Disclosing Herpes on the Regular Online Dating sites

[WCSDancer2010]

So many of you know that I am totally "out" of the Herpes Closet..... and some may have followed my more recent experiment with disclosing my status on my online profile on OKCupid. Well, I'm getting people asking how that is going, so I'm going to keep you up to date here as things develop.

 

First, my statement as seen on the profile:

 

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

 

I am a full believer in transparency so here it goes:

 

First, if you got this far and you liked what you read, please read this section all the way through before you pass judgment.

 

You see, I have the Herpes virus. Like 80% of the population. (Don’t believe me, check the CDC website). I’ve had it most of my life. I’ve had relationships with H- men and they have not caught it because I can take anti-virals and even without them I rarely have an outbreak. Your chance of getting it from me (assuming you are H- …and BTW, there is a really good chance you have not been tested unless you specifically ASK for the test) is less than 2% - the SAME risk you take when you get in a car for having a fatal accident. (and yes, I have the stats for that too ;) ).

 

Why am I revealing that here? Because I’m tired of having “the talk” and having guys spazz out because they have no freaking clue about the TRUTH about STD’s. In fact, I recently came out to everyone because I’m tired of the undeserving stigma that comes with Herpes. I am currently working with others on a project that will increase public education and awareness about STD’s including Herpes. (I can bet most of you have at least *some* incorrect beliefs and information about most STD’s). Coming out on here is all part of my dedication to changing the undeserving stigma that Herpes has in the public eye.

 

So before you click on the next profile, understand this. Herpes is the 2nd most common STD (HPV is #1 .. nearly everyone will get it at some point in their life… chew on THAT one for a second ) 80% of the population has Herpes and 80% of them DON’T KNOW THEY HAVE IT. And no, you won’t *know* from looking that they have it because many NEVER have an outbreak and they may well be passing it on to others unwittingly. (IE, they can shed the virus with no visible outbreaks). If you ask a Doctor about it, they will tell you it is a “nuisance skin condition” …. That it’s no big deal. To them, it is a very insignificant issue – you will be given a script for antivirals if you need it (if you are having an outbreak or have a partner to protect from transmission) and they will show you the door. And to be honest, that really IS all it is… a viral skin condition that happens to show up in a really inconvenient place. And all those photos you see on Google Images?… Well, they are generally worst case scenarios or perhaps first outbreak photos (the first is usually the worst…once your body develops antibodies it generally goes quiet and you may never have another OB). I promise you, while the first OB’s are generally not fun, you junk won’t fall off if you get it and you usually end up with only minor OB’s after the first one or two occurrences. This isn’t Cancer folks …..

 

BUT, even more important is the fact that I *KNOW* I have it and I can do a LOT to keep you from getting it. In a way, I am safer because I know my status. Many who contract herpes get it from someone who didn’t know they had it … because they got STD tested but didn’t know that Herpes is not usually done as part of the tests (thanks to the CDC’s recommendation). And Herpes is an Equal Opportunity Disease. Young, Old, Black, White, Rich, Poor, Nice, Mean, “Good” or “Bad”. 80% of the people around you likely have it. And don’t think that you can have Oral sex and avoid it – roughly half of the new Genital Herpes diagnosis are HSV1 (ie: from Cold Sores).

 

So now, if you got this far, and you liked what you read before this section and you would have contacted me, I ask you to give me a chance. Contact me and lets see where it goes. If nothing else I can help to completely educate you about STD’s and how to protect yourself. And maybe, just maybe, you will like me enough to take that 2% risk once you get to really know me…. And that is all I can ask for

[WCSDancer2010]

So I'm talking to a guy and he asks about transmission with herpes during intimacy ....

 

Here is my reply:

 

Well.... Hope I don't scare you off but knowledge is power....and most people who get herpes get it from someone who wasn't having symptoms and either didn't know they had it OR thought they couldn't pass it on if they were not having an outbreak. So unless you are religious about swapping STD results before you get intimate, there's a good chance you have been exposed to women who have it and if you don't have it, you got lucky. And BTW, unless you SPECIFICALLY ask for it, you won't be tested for Herpes... most STD "tests" ONLY cover Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and HIV .... hence the huge numbers of people who *think* they are HSV-free. (and Chlamydia, HPV, and Hepatitis free...they are not normally tested for either ) And hence, my campaign :)

 

First, I have HSV1 oral (aka cold sores) and HSV2 genital.

 

80% of people have HSV1 ...60% of kids have it by young adulthood. I got it at around age 3. 80% of them don't know they have it because they either don't have an outbreak or just think it's a "cold sore" and don't know that it can transfer to the genitals. 50% of new genital cases are HSV1 because of the young population thinking that Oral Sex is "safe". And it can be if you take precautions, but most people don't know what that means, because condoms are not a 100% fail safe method either.

 

(Hope you aren't running for the hills yet!)

 

So - HSV2 - about 15-20% of the population has this one. Women get it easier than men (thanks to all the lovely folds and areas where we have thinner skin). Female to male transference with no protection but being "cautious" (ie, no sex during outbreaks) is about 5% risk/year according to the CDC. When I am in a relationship I can go on suppressive meds that lowers the risk to about 2% or less... and using a condom makes it near nil. (I keep hearing great things about the F2C Female condom that supposedly covers more area AND doesn't affect sensation at all)

 

To be honest, most who have lived with it for awhile eventually see it as a "nuisance skin condition" although I will admit the first year or so can be rough for some. I've had it since my first sexual encounter (I don't gamble because LUCK is obviously not my strong suit :P) and at this point of my life I hardly ever have an outbreak. I did give it to my ex-hubby because back in the 80's when we got married we were not tested and I just thought I was getting a heat rash... and I was having a lot of small outbreaks then. I've since had two - 3 year relationships where the guys didn't get it - one without any meds/condoms and one where I took the meds. I'm very strict about no sex if I even *think* something could be coming on (there are plenty of other ways to play...and in fact one thing we tell newbies is that Herpes is a great excuse to get creative in the bedroom ;) )

 

*Personally* I believe I am safer in many ways because I KNOW my status. 80% of people with both kinds of Herpes don't know they have it. Many who have it are misinformed because they think they can't pass it on when they are not having an outbreak when in fact they could be having "asymptomatic shedding" which means you are shedding the virus without any signs/symptoms. So they think they don't have to disclose as long as they don't play when they have an outbreak. *sigh* So much work to do to educate and change this thing...... :(

 

Anyway. The forum/website I work with is www.Herpeslife.com. Its a GREAT place for information and support. You may want to go and read the first blog on there or look up the resources page http://herpeslife.com/resources/ or check out the forum. I've been dubbed the "Forum Mom" because of my tough love approach... :)

 

So - hope that fills things in for you and that you are not running for the hills. I really appreciate that you have at least given me the chance to explain things and that you didn't run as soon as you saw the "H" word. I've come across so many mis-informed guys who will likely get an STD at some point because they are determined that they can "tell" if you have an STD and who don't understand that most people have not been properly tested..... Sigh.....

 

I'm happy to answer any more questions or you can go on the Forum and there is a category for non-H+ folks to ask questions..... and I'll stay out of that conversation if you want to ask others so you can hear from someone without a "vested interest" LOL.

[WCSDancer2010]

and the reply I got was:

 

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY SPECTACULAR!!

:)

THE INFO YOU'VE PASSED ALONG IS BOTH EYE OPENING AND INFORMATIVE!!

YOU'RE SUCH A DESIRABLE WOMAN!

GORGEOUS AND INTELLIGENT!!!!!!!!

YES!! I AM FROM THE CAMP WHERE BRAINS ARE SEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXY!!!!!

 

 

So see my friends, being straight and up front from the get-go won't send them all running...and he's not the first H- guy to contact me since I wrote the profile disclosure ... I'm getting about the same numbers as I was before I added it, and most have actually read it :)

 

Starting from day one with complete transparency ... what a concept, eh?

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Well, I personally loved reading this. I want to copy and paste your initial post and go put it on bathroom stalls in restaurants. Eye opening for those of us with H and wondering whether a man will ever love us. Claps and snaps for you. I don't personally have the courage to do what you have done, but I am glad you do. It does make those of us not confident enough to what you do, feel better about the future. Such a strong woman you are. I hope when I get to your age, not that you are old, but I just hope I have as much security and strength and confidence within myself as you do. Big loves this morning sent your way!

[WCSDancer2010]

Honey, I couldn't have done this even 10 years ago.....never mind at your age. Menopause is a wonderful thing ... I entered the "No Bullshit Zone" as soon as the last period was behind me...LOL

 

Actually, a lot of this is a result of a LOT of self-growth work for the last 10 years too. And I'm a terrible liar ... so now I don't have to worry about coming up with all kinds of "reasons" for my Cesarean, and I don't have to sit and worry about when I'll have "the talk". I can freely talk about Herpes to anyone and if they walk, well, I don't care. It's their problem.

 

It's really freeing. My hope is that you, and many others here, will get to this point a lot faster than I did. That closet really sucked :p

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Yeah...my friends joke that I am a horrible liar too. I smile or give it away very easily with my facial expressions. Maybe one day soon I can climb out of the closet, until then I get joy out of reading things like this. TGIF.

[AmyL]

***Here is the biggie...I was left with herpes virus after my ex cheated on me and brought it home. If you have got this far and still wanna chat. Just give me a fair chance I'm looking for more than sex anyway but what I have isn't uncommon. I'll tell you this 80% of the population has this and the chances of me giving it to you are less than 10%. I've never had an outbreak and was shocked at first but now I can't change it I have to accept it and move on I am looking for someone to care about me for once and understand I don't want to shock anyone but I believe in the truth. I want someone that understands for real that life handed me a crappy hand but I'm ready to turn over a new card and hopefully it will be my king.***

 

I just added this to mine...I've accepted that I can't change it and I have to go on I really do and someone can understand that I hope

[WCSDancer2010]

You go girl!

 

Actually the stats for female to male transmission with no meds are 5% ... meds and condoms both reduce it by about 50% each.

 

I have to say I am getting nothing but positive feedback from all the guys who have contacted me and I'm currently talking to a guy who is very very interested in getting to know me better - we met once and he's letting me set the pace but H certainly hasn't slowed him down a bit ;)