Telling a current casual sex partner that I have herpes ...

[jas_star]

So I've got HSV-2 and I'm a bit down about it all, but Im generally a very positive person so I think coming to terms with it wont be too tuff. Although telling my casual sex partner seems very scary! Im 27yr old male and I recently broke up with a partner of 6yrs. I've only slept with 3 girls since the relationship ended, 2 of which were one night stands.

 

Although the 3rd girl and I have been seeing each other for a while and are old friends re-united after long term relationships have fallen through. We have been frequently having intimacy both with and with out condoms as she has the contraceptive bar (sorry dont know the correct term).

 

I've never had an out break, but I had a test done last week and it turned out positive for HSV-2 :(.

 

I know she doesn't have it, although she does have HSV-1 and gets 'colsores.' I am so scared to break the news to her as I feel like I've been the irresponsible one. Both casual encounters where before we started having sex so I can pretty much narrow it down to one of those instances. But I feel horrible for not knowing and sleeping with her so frequently.

 

I plan to tell her face to face cause I dont think texting or calling is right. I feel like I've ruined her! Especially because we were both just in it for fun and nothing more. Any help would be appreciated in building up my confidence and courage to tell her, I just feel terrible! :(

[HerryTheHerp]

The contraceptive bar? For me that was my girlfriend's father hitting me with a lead pipe when I got fresh with his daughter.

 

Alright, so, you've been doing the pokey pokey without a rubber shield? High, big red truck and I'm going to run over you right now: ARE YOU STUPID? Really? Ever hear of HIV? Chlamydia? Gonorrhea? How about the biggest STD of them all...BABIES. Yeah, let me tell you, nothing will screw up your sex life like a dirty diaper will. Ok, enough with the lecture, but you're going to need to get a full test panel done after the window periods expire. Yeah, it's probably going to be fine, but come on, be safe even if you know the person. As Reagan said, trust but verify. And, I hate to say this, but given available test results, someone should have said the same thing to your gal pal beforehand.

 

So, you've had sex with 2 one night stands. The right thing is to get in touch with them and tell them the bad news. You really need to try, and it's not going to be easy. You'll also want to call your ex, or have an anynomous 3rd party test center do that. Many offer that service and it's a simple "Someone you've been intimate with has HSV2...and you need to test, too." Honestly, there's no way of knowing where/when you got this. It could have been 3 years ago, a month ago, it's a slippery virus and known as a relationship breaker for that reason...because it can lay dormant for years, decades, or forever without symptoms.

 

How do you know she doesn't have it? HSV1 and HSV2 look the same. The only way to tell is to draw blood. Don't need Chuck Norris, Asian horror movie levels, just a few drops and the doctor will tell you.

 

Snarkiness aside, yeah, I get you feel guilty. A lot of people are like you and show no symptoms. Up to 80% fall into that category. And, I can tell you're a compassionate guy and this is busting you up. Go through this site. Become a herpes expert. You want to do this face to face and that tells me a lot about your character, and it's going to tell her a lot, too. Is she gonna be shocked? Probably. Does she already have HSV1 experience? Yep. Is that gonna help? Yep.

 

Be honest. Be truthful. Be tender and compassionate. Even if she gets mad at you and doesn't want to speak to you for a while, she's gonna remember that for the rest of her life.

[WCSDancer2010]

LOL Herry - you and I think so much alike ... I LOVE that you come out with the Pregnancy lecture too...(see my post on the duplicate post... :p ) sooo many unplanned (and many unwanted :( )babies out there thanks to guys who put all the pressure on the girl to not get pregnant. :(

 

(((HUGS))) to you both :)

[WCSDancer2010]

Adding my original post below as Adrial is trying to tidy the forum up a bit :)

 

First - welcome... glad you found us

 

How recently did you break up with the GF....I ask because if your blood work came up positive for H then you have likely had the virus for at LEAST 4 months.... which means you may have had it the whole time you were with the GF. Odds are you got it from the one night stands, but you may want to tell her to get tested...just in case.

 

As for your casual partner, well, before I even touch the subject of Herpes, I need to point out my *opinion* that any guy who doesn't want children needs to use a condom EVERY TIME he has sex, regardless of whether the woman is on BC pills or not. Pregnancy is also a Sexually Transmitted Condition and it has a similar rate of "transference" even when on BC pills. Young men need to get it in their heads that it's not fair to put all the onus on the woman to not get pregnant. Remember, they are human and they can forget a pill here or there. Or she may take an antibiotic and not know it affects the effectiveness of the pill. Or it may just plain fail. I know... I have a 3 yrs old Grandbaby (who I LOVE dearly) because my daughters pill failed. And her (now ex) BF is unable to do much to support the child (and this is his second out of wedlock child... slow learner ) Thankfully our side of the family is able to give her a lot of support and the child is thankfully very well balanced...but many young women are the ones that carry the whole burden.... and young men like yourself (assuming you are responsible) also have a responsibility that you may not be ready for. So please, in future, USE A CONDOM EVERY TIME anyway until you are in a stable relationship and WANT a child, please???

 

Now - back to the Herpes

 

She has coldsores. If she gives you a blowjob, you have been at risk to get HSV1 on your genitals all this time. So that may be something that you can bring up when you disclose....because you BOTH should be on the supressive therapy if you are going to continue assuming you both want to stick with having only one of the types of herpes

 

Just because you have had sex doesn't mean SHE has it.... BUT she needs to know and you both need to start taking precautions. And BTW, you know about the coldsores....did she tell you about them or you just saw them? Because you *might* have got the HSV2 from her .... most people are not tested for everything and think they are.

 

I suggest you print out the handout that is here: http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout - fact is, I'd print out 2 - one for each of you ... and tell her the truth. You didn't know you had it. You are wondering if she has been tested for everything too but either way she should be tested now and (if she comes up negative) in 4-6 months time. And then discuss where you go from here.

 

Whatever happens, you haven't "ruined" her ... you are mature adults. I don't know what conversation you had (or didn't) about STD's but it's up to BOTH partners to get tested AND to make sure the conversation is had about when you were tested and such. Guilt assumes intent. You never intended to give her Herpes. You didn't know you had it. It's life. With LIVING come risk. You have a 2% chance of dying in a car accident every time you get in it but you still get in the car and go places and don't thing about it. You guys wanted the wonderful feelings that sex and intimacy bring... ans with that comes risk... risk of STD's, risk of pregnancy, risk of falling in love and getting hurt. And life well lived will include risk. And sometimes the odds go against us. That's life

 

(((HUGS)))

[jas_star]

Thanks guys... so much truths and that I just wasn't being responsible from the start! Oh such a hard lesson and one I will now live with! But it wont get the best of me and I'll be a more responsible person from here on! I still dread this upcoming conversation, but I just have to suck it up and do it...

 

(((HUGS with a few tears)))