I did something stupid, stupid, stupid

[PrimordialOoze]

Ugh! I am so mad at myself but I'm going to give myself a break.

 

Last night I was online, chatting with the guy who is interested in me. I was crying as we texted back and forth about nothing. I was crying and he had no idea what was going on. I mean, at all. And I watched myself, as I typed it out "I have herpes" blah blah blah and then had another out of body experience as I HIT SEND!

 

ARGH! So stupid stupid stupid. So, I guess I lost him. But he said I have "inspired" him to get fully tested - so that's good. right? Anyways, trying real hard not to text him tonight AND trying to be loving and understanding towards my stupid self. Why? Why? (Laugh, cry, laugh cry)

 

Just a few minutes ago, I texted him again. SOMEONE STOP ME!

[HerryTheHerp]

Stupid? Nah. That took guts. It's like John Wayne crawled out of the primordial ooze towing a boat full of Chuck Norris clones behind him.

 

You guess you lost him? You don't know that. You're guessing. Damage control? Here's what you do:

 

1. Vino. Vino is a good calmer downer. Not too much, just a touch.

2. Intro "Look, I didn't mean to just blurt that out. It just happened. Please stay off Google. Google is not a good place to learn more about this. Here are some good sources, xyz, pdq..."

 

3. I told you because I'd rather have you reject me and respect me, than both of us fall for each other and have you be angry or hurt that I didn't tell you sooner. I believe relationships should be built on a foundation of honesty, and you brought that out in me very quickly.

 

Then, go from there.

[WCSDancer2010]

What Herry said - also, send him here for info or at least send him the link for the handout

 

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

It will be a reasonable excuse to contact him...then say something like: I'd still like to get to know you... we can go really slow and if it's too uncomfortable for you then I understand....plus what Herry said. You'd be surprised at the guys who will respect you and give you a chance because you were honest :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[PrimordialOoze]

Herry, hahaha! thanks!

 

WCS OMG! I am so confused.

 

So after my post here, I deleted him off of my contacts so that getting in touch with him would require some work. Also, I didn't want to have a case of foot - in- mouth because my judgement and self control seem to be off kilter.

 

About an hour later (after me freaking out and crying and deciding my love life is over etcetc), he texted me and said "Are you going to die?" That's a good question I thought. I told him that I had calmed down and had done some research. Then he asked me about what it means to me both physically and sexually to have the H and what it would mean if I did have a partner. What safe sex would mean. I shared a lot of things from this website and other research. Then I told him that I would send him some more information today. then I said my phone batteries are dying (which they were) and talk to you tomorrow.

 

So at this point the jury is out. I am glad he is willing to A. get tested himself and B. keep an open dialogue.

 

I am so glad I have this forum. And Herry you are right. I am an extremely honest person and I'd rather be rejected right off the bat than go on and on and get emotionally involved and then have the axe fall on me.

 

The bottom line is I have fallen for this guy pretty hard. We are a perfect match (really!). I am attracted to him physically, intellectually and emotionally. The trifecta which has never been achieved. So, for me it feels like "this is it".

 

I shall take a deep breath and not keep doing what I do best .... incessantly texting him. Which before this was OK but now I need to give him space to think and make a decision. I shall send him the handout a little later and let's see where it goes. Thanks a lot guys. sorry for the wall of text. x ~ me

[WCSDancer2010]

Sounds like a really decent guy..... and I hope whatever happens you learn the lesson that you have to give the other person time to sit on things and digest the information... and accept however they take it. BUT, if you are confident and know your stuff so you can give them GOOD information, the good ones will at least take the time to think on things and see how it really lands for them.

 

I had a BF for 3 years who TOTALLY freaked out for a month after I disclosed to him.... but after talking to his Dr and getting the facts he realized he wanted to see where we would go...it was me who eventually broke that off. H wa a non-issue for us after a few months of his getting used to the idea and trusting me to do what I could to protect him,

 

Good luck...keep us posted :)

 

 

[softyspoken79]

I'm learning alot on this site

[PrimordialOoze]

Softlyspoken - I read that in a whisper ... X

[PrimordialOoze]

So Guys, I did it.

 

I sent him a wall of text explaining my blurtingness, my wanting-ness of a relationship based on trust and respect and saying I was sorry to blurt it out. Also, that I just didnt think there would ever be a good time without feelings of betrayal etc. and I sent him the handout. Then I said I want to get to know you and you to know me (please say YES! no I did not type that). And said "txt me when you are ready. I'm here."

 

PEOPLE WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY do I get corney and weird when I write to him. Boy I SHINED!

 

So no more txting him till he txts me. I hope I am strong enough.

 

Thank yous guys for your support .... X ~ me

[WCSDancer2010]

Perfect! Proud of you Chica!!!

 

Stay strong!!!

[PrimordialOoze]

I learn from the best! PS he texted me last night. We had a good conversation.

 

OK fine! I texted him@!! I can't lie. It's a thing with me. Anyway sent a one symbol text. Yes one symbol. And he started texting me back. But I was is pain and crying with my latest pain syptoms.

 

But it's a good sign. I hope he sees h for what it is and be confident that I will do everything in my power to keep him safe. I really like him .... will stop here, else you will read something weird because I go to mush when it comes to him.

 

L-lysine plz be available in my little town .....

 

X~me

[WCSDancer2010]

YAY!!!

 

I hear ya on the texting thing... it makes it all too easy to "just say hi" :P

 

If they don't have L-lysine there, maybe you can get it online over there?

[PrimordialOoze]

Dancer, either a. He is dealing with work/personal related stuff or b. He ran. He has blown me off twice now after we had made plans to Skype. One more blow off , and I'm done pursuing. I may actually upload my pic here and come out of the (h) closet. I feel sad. X~me

[WCSDancer2010]

If he walked away without having the balls to say so, you don't need him. A real MAN will face up even when he knows it won't me pleasant. :(

[PrimordialOoze]

You're right. I think right now I feel so insecure with everything that something I would have just shrugged off usually is becoming a big thing. I have to stay focused. Too many things going on.

 

The big joke is - now that my personal life is shot, I'm doing great professionally :P so, I have that going for me. :)

 

Thanks though for reading my teenage angst like musings and taking the time to write back!!! Love ya'll X ~ me

[WCSDancer2010]

Funny but when it comes to relationships, we can ALL have that "teenage angst" ... at ANY age :p

 

(((HUGS)))

[PrimordialOoze]

Ahhh! Dancer. I think it's done and over with. I don't think I'll ever find a partner/companion here. :( super duper sad face. Plus it's heading to night here and the pains, numbness are moving in. :( x ~ me

[WCSDancer2010]

Well, I understand that it's definitely harder over there but there ARE a lot of very well educated people there who can think for themselves and who can look up the facts ... the best way you can get them to reality is to help them understand that everything in life has risk... and if something is worthwhile enough to you, you accept the risks that go with said activity/relationship/etc.

 

Don't underestimate the people around you. You sound like you travel in educated circles ... you just have to get to a point of acceptance of YOURSELF, YOUR power, YOUR beauty, and YOUR worthiness, and a man will walk into your life and won't care about your "skin condition".

 

(((HUGS))

 

PS - glad to see your picture up, and you ARE beautiful :)

 

[PrimordialOoze]

Thanks. I'll try to keep trudging along. But its hard to think that far ahead. Putting my picture up is my way of starting to accept what I have and move on. Though I am crying here right now, at this moment. I will come to terms with everything, and I know I'll be stronger on the other side. X ~ me :x