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First time disclosing herpes, and very, very nervous!

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So, I´ve been going out on dates with a very nice gentleman, he is 41, and I´m 27. Despite the age difference, we have been able to connect in a very profound way.


We enjoy the same topics, food, music and we have really long and entertaining conversations every time we see each other. He treats me with so much respect and is always very attentive and sweet. So, I´m really considering about finally opening up to him and take it from there!


My background, I received the gift of Herpes from my ex-husband. In 2005 we married, had a beautiful child in 2007 and Divorced shortly after….. we didn´t see each other for over 4 years, we both had relationships that didn´t work out, he had another child with someone else and separated and I had a miscarriage from my partner at the time and broke up. So at some point we started talking to each other and decided to give ourselves another chance, for our daughter and because we had feelings for each other.


So in 2011, we got back together, I committed to a monogamous relationship but he didn´t… one day he said he had a “cut” on his penis that hurt a lot, and asked me if I had given him something, I had never had anything like that before and I had no cuts, rash or anything, and he mentioned he had little cuts like that before we were together but none as painful as that one… so he tought maybe I had a vaginal infection and had passed it to him… anyhow, I really didn´t think much of it and let it go…. Long story short, one day we got into a fight, he pushed me at a parking lot while I was trying to get the keys away from him because he was too drunk to drive and we had to get home to our daughter, I ended up twisting my ankle and police came to try to calm him down but he got away in a friend´s car that happened to be there at the time… so I drove myself home, cried of out of relief to be home with my baby, and with disappointment after realizing that again, I couldn’t make it work. This was the first time ever that he turned violent toward me… and sure enough, my immune system got weak and few days later, there it was… that burning, unbearable pain to pee and almost walk… started feeling pain in my groin area, had flu like symptoms, pain in my lower back…. So, I went to a clinic, where they only test for do the HIV, Syphilis and Gonorrhea and was advised to go to another Dr. and explain my symptoms, and of course, as soon as the Dr. looked at it said “IT IS HERPES”, I still had to take the blood test and received the call few days after letting me know it was positive for Herpes and that I would be reported into a government database.

So I confronted him, I told him that I finally knew what his cuts where, he said.. “oh well, I didn´t know” I suggested he got checked too (I was very hurt and mad at the time, so out of despite, I wanted him to be reported too) but he refused. And that was the end of it, I packed my stuff, once again, took my precious child with me and departed. It took me many, many night of fears, tears and shame to finally accept it. My mom and sister knew about it right away, both have been very supportive. My mother agrees that this is something I should share with every partner, my sister thinks is little secret I should keep to myself… I understand she is coming from a point where she doesn´t want her baby sister to be rejected.

However, I´ve decided to live free and share it with whoever wants to be with me. I didn´t get a chance to make that choice for me (I´m sure I would´ve still be with my ex – I truly wanted to make it work) so here I am… I´ve been single since then, and never had to disclose to anyone besides my mom and sister… and whatever the outcome is, I’m sure it will only be for the better.


I´ve been reading lot of successful stories here, and I´ve come up with this practice dialogue… not sure if I would be telling him tonight (this is our third date) but I want to be prepared… I might want to wait a lil bit, just to make sure I truly see the potential of becoming intimate with him.


But I would really like to know what your opinion is, I´ve come to peace with my condition and I’m grateful for it, since it has made me stronger and aware of many things. I also thank all of you for your support and advice. You guys have given me the strength to come out of the H-Closet! And I’m loving it!!!!


So, here it goes, this is what I drafted for my disclosure:


I want you to know that I feel very comfortable and connected with you, and it is important to me that you get to know me better, I trust you and respect you a lot, so I am drawn to tell you something before we continue with wherever this might be. I have a skin condition that flares up every once in a while, I’m on a daily suppressive therapy and even though there is only a 1% chance in a lifetime that you could get it from me, it is in my best interest and yours that you are aware of it because I really care about you and I see the potential of having a deeper connection between us. And the reason why I’m sharing this with you, is because the virus that causes this conditions is the same that responsible for cold sores and Herpes.


I´ve had it for almost 3 years, so I´ve become educated in the topic and I have learned to manage and control it, and I want you to know that I will always do everything in my power to protect you if we decide to get intimate. So, I just wanted to let you know since is very important to me that we base this friendship or relationship with honesty and openness..


It is actually a very common virus, but not everyone is aware that they carry it, statistics are that 1 in 6 Americans have it. I want you to feel free to research, and understand it before we take things to the next level.


Soo.. what do you guys think? also... is the third date too soon to disclose? I just don´t want him to feel like invested to much emotionally in me... I guess we all take time to get to know each other, and hopefully he will see it as an investment to, not a waste.


Thank you all for reading :D

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First - welcome! So glad you found us and that you have come so far already in your acceptance and understanding about Herpes...and that you understand how important it is to give potential partners the right to know about the risks.


So I want to correct you here on this part:


even though there is only a 1% chance in a lifetime that you could get it from me,


The CDC numbers for risk from Female to Male is actually 5%... BUT you can lower it to 1% with anti-virals and condom usage.


Have you seen the Handouts on the Blog section? I would print the disclosure one out and have it for him to take home and digest. AND, tell him whatever he does, DON'T go to Google Images or any of the Yahoo forums... both are determined to give the worst-case images and scenarios and are not representative of the average person's experience. If he wants to talk to a doctor, I would suggest he either goes with you to an OBGYN or to a Urologist ... NOT a family doctor because they are often horridly out of date with their info. Or better yet, send him here ...we have a section for H- partners (assuming he is H- ... he could well be carrying himself...knowingly or otherwise.)


Here are the Handout links:






Disclosure e-book:



You may want to point out to him that because you know you have the virus, you can actually be a "safer" bet because 80% of people with Herpes don't know they have it, thanks to the fact that most STD testing does NOT include Herpes. You can at least monitor your OB's, take anti-virals, and it's a really really great reason to learn other ways to pleasure each other ;)


As for timing, well, if you think you are about to get intimate soon, yes... tell him. BUT, there are many on here who have learned to put off getting sexual a little longer because we have learned that we can sort who really deserves to see us in such a vulnerable place. I can't tell you what to do there, but keep that in mind, eh?


Good luck however you choose to tell him. We'll be cheering you on over here!



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I agree with Dancer. From a man's perspective, show him hard numbers. Just printout the stat sheet and the one where Dr. Leone says oral to genital HSV2 risk is super-low (I assume you have GHSV2.) Also say that the stat sheet is based on sex over a year (at 2x per week) (NP. T. Warren); and, if you have GHSV2, the chance of him getting it from vaginal intercourse, when you are not having an outbreak is 1:1000 per sexual occurrence (Dr. Handsfield). Look, you're writing for a man, not a woman. There's a lot more you can say that really minimizes the risk. After giving him this info, let him think it over on his own. You are taking the initial strike, so it's in your advantage to leave him surrounded by stats that minimize the risk. Also, put these risks in context with other things guys do.

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the chance of him getting it from vaginal intercourse, when you are not having an outbreak is 1:1000 per sexual occurrence (Dr. Handsfield).


I have not read Handsfields article with that info ... I assume this is with anti-virals and a condom... ??? Its very important to include that information whether it is with or without a condom/meds... if it's without I want to see how he arrived at that figure because it seems awful low to me if you go on the 5-10% figures (Male or female) I've seen elsewhere...

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First of all, thank you all for your support and guidance! It was very helpful :)


So, I TOLD HIM!! Yesterday we went out for our 7th Date, by now we had kissed and he had tried to put his hand down on my legs a few times but I will grab his hand right away and deviate it to another place in my body (trying to slow things down). But I must admit, I feel our connection is so strong, even though we´ve only seen each other 7 times in the past 3 weeks, but we have been talking over the phone and texting every day… we both started to say “ we miss each other” and just knew it was the time to do it. Before he felt he had already “invested” so much (emotionally and $ - dating is expensive LOL) in me and feel betrayed by me not disclosing sooner.


And he took it super really well! When I started talking his hand was on my leg, and he left it there the whole time. I’m not going to lie, his face changed drastically, but after listening to me and asking some questions (how it affects me? Can I still get pregnant? If I had chicken pox when I was little, etc..) he said “WE ARE OK” and told him it was ok for him to take time, space and think about it and that if this is something he could´nt handle I would be ok. I still appreciated the time and effort he took to get to know me and that whatever the outcome was, I am really glad I got to know him, that he is a great guy and I wished him the best. He said “ Why are you talking like we are not going to see each other again?” I told him “People have preferences, and you might prefer not to date me, for example, I wouldn’t date someone who smokes” and he said he knew there were ways around it, that he has a strong immune system and then put his hand on my leg again and kissed me!


And that was it! He then shared something personal of his (LOL it was very cute) and he said “we all have issues” and we resumed to the kissing, hugging and talking…. He said a couple of times how pretty I am and how much he likes me, texted me when he got home and said that we would see each other today. I am really looking forward to it!

Previous to the disclosure, he has asked me if I could give him a chance to be the one. So I´m hoping to see how he feels about that after what we talked. I did not take the handout with me as we went dancing, but will be sending him the link today.

So, once again, thank you for being there, reading and supporting! Needless to say, I feel like I’m on top of the world!! I´m very grateful it went so great!


I also wanted to share some quotes and verses that gave me the strength and security to know what I was about to do was hard, but it was the right thing.


- The vulnerability that honesty requires isn´t something that everybody can handle. Lying allows people to be comfortable.


- Exposing your dark side doesn´t frighten me, hiding it does.


- Being honest might not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones.


And this one is very special, as our last day was approaching, and I felt the urge to disclose, I was restless and nervous, and so I prayed. I asked to find the right words and the moment to talk to him about this. I was debating whether to do it Saturday or Monday/Tuesday and Friday night, I woke up in the middle of the night and went to my Daily Bible Inspirations app. And the verse for that day was:


- The Lord said to Paul in the night by a vision: “Don´t be afraid, but speak and don´t be silent; for I am with you, and no one will attack you to harm you, for I have many people in this city” – Acts 18:9-10


Isn´t that so special? I know God listened my prayer and gave me his comfort! So with all trust in him, that was my signal, and thank God, it seems like it all worked out! Yaaaaaaaay!


I hope that all of you will find some inspiration or support in my history, know that you are not alone and that even if someone you disclose to, is not ready to handle it, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! You are an amazing human being, you are loved and will be loved, you will find someone who is loving and will be more than happy to share past this experience with you! YOU DESERVE IT! Remember that God gives his strongest warriors the toughest battles, so we are all in this journey for a reason, because we are capable of navigation thru it, keep your head up. Honesty is a beautiful quality and will open many doors, at least the right ones.


May you all be blessed and have a wonderful day!


With lots of love,


the paleogardenerkika

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Oh my gosh... I'm tearing up here... SOOOO happy for you.


And man did you knock that out of the park. I LOVE how you said:


He said “ Why are you talking like we are not going to see each other again?” I told him “People have preferences, and you might prefer not to date me, for example, I wouldn’t date someone who smokes” and he said he knew there were ways around it, that he has a strong immune system and then put his hand on my leg again and kissed me!


What a great way to help him see that you were honoring his right for CHOICE in a way that he could understand without making it into something he must be scared of. I'm taking note of that one ;)


And I'm going to put your quotes on the Inspiration discussion....they are sooo pertinent to not only living with Herpes but living LIFE :)


Congratulations :)

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Dancer: No antivirals or condoms. See Medhelp, STD expert forum, post on 2/25/14, Dr. Handsfield's response; post on 1/8/11, Dr. Handsfield's response. He also notes "HSV isn't all that easily transmitted!," (that's his exclamation mark, assuming no outbreak). Trust me on this, I've been doing a lot of reading.

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@ Unhappy1


Hmmm - well, this might just be another time that the medical community has differing opinions on something (in this case, what constitutes "easily transmitted").


Just look at the BS that the Lyme Disease community is going through ... everything from diagnosis to how to treat is soooo open to so many opinions, yet we are seeing more and more cases where people are "living" (barely for many) with Chronic Lyme thanks to ignorant doctors who mis-diagnosed and/or mis-treated someone and now it is in their spinal cord/brain which is much harder to get to with antibiotics. I know...I was nearly one of them as I was treated with Prednisone for a "bite" once ... when I came off it the bulls-eye appeared and they nearly treated me AGAIN with prednisone which is the EXACT WRONG MEDICATION for Lyme as it lowers your immune function ... thankfully another doctor walked by, tool one look at me and said LYME DISEASE and I go the right meds. :(


I have to respectfully disagree with Dr. Handsfield .... there are far too many people on here who got it with the first contact with the infected person (I'm one of them!). Perhaps IF the person KNOWS they have it, you can greatly reduce the risk. But most don't know they have it, and those with cold sores don't know that it can head south. And THAT, IMO, is the biggest cause for where we are now. If Herpes was a Common Cold or Flu, we would be considered to be in a pandemic situation of epic proportions. AND, like colds and flu, a few simple precautions can make a world of difference to how quickly it spreads, but thanks to a lack of public education, this virus is spreading much more than it should...



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I agree. But as for genital HSV2, both Drs. Handsfield and Hook are clear, when no outbreak, transmission rates are at 1:1000 per sexual occurrence (equivalent of .1%)(I assume this is female to male transmission). This of course was based on data from couples that knew they had it.


I've been looking at this for a while and trying to understand the scenarios when people report transmission on a single occurrence. Since the statistical data is what it is, we have to drill down and ask if there was some sort of an outbreak at the time for one-hit-wonders. Two partners were caught up in passion, in retrospect, was one of them really having an outbreak at the time? Likely when confronted after the fact, the infecting partner, as a matter of human nature, will always lean to say "I thought it was ok...no symptoms...didn't know." Doesn't an innocent "I didn't know I could hurt you," sound better than an "I didn't care how reckless and inconsiderate I was?" And the only way they can get to an "I don't know," is if they don't have symptoms.


At any rate, it looks like you and I are the only ones who care about this point. On a side note, thank you for your hard work on this website. You truly are a saint.

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ut as for genital HSV2, both Drs. Handsfield and Hook are clear, when no outbreak, transmission rates are at 1:1000 per sexual occurrence (equivalent of .1%)


Then why take Valtrex???


I am one of the "One-Hit-Wonders" ...first sexual experience too.... so I KNOW who I got it from. So I kinda wonder what happened to my other 999 chances? :P

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