Herpes disclosure too late? I made a mistake and feel terribly guilty and like him...

[LoveTheBeach7]

Concern is HSV-2 to him orally and do I tell him now??

 

We had an awesome date, barely getting to know each other and there was total chemistry at the end of the night!! I met him on a non-herpes dating site...so who knows if he is pos or neg. One thing led to another, very, very fast. I have only been with 1 other man since my divorce 2 years ago and I dated him for 9 months...he knew and we had great sex without transmitting herpes.

 

I wasn't prepared to have the herpes talk or be in any physical situation for a long time. Pants came off me, not him — fast. Down there...His hand and kissing — I pulled him up, but he was down there. I've never had an outbreak down there (mine was on the nipple once a year ago) and am on Valtrex daily and have had shedding checked 3x on the cervix and everything has come back neg (I know shedding is random so the neg result isn't to be totally trusted), so I'm hoping he is ok from the kissing/oral!!

 

Honestly I didn't think I would hear from him again, but he has turned out to be awesome and wants to see me again and calls and texts daily....it's been almost 2 weeks. I did a terrible 'risk' move and the guilt is overwhelming. Should I end it, or tell him after some casual dates if we keep liking each other? I don't know if I can ever get the words out since I put him at risk so soon in the relationship. I dated someone in college with herpes and I remember he told me on date #3 when things were very casual and how much I respected that.

[mr_hopp]

Hey LoveTheBeach! (Welcome!) Okay, so if you could replay that over again from this perspective, seems like you wouldn't have let him go down on you. Check. And humans make mistakes. Check. (It's called "being human.") What's most important since that you can't change the past is to own up to your mistake. You know, integrity isn't so much about NEVER making a mistake, but more about what you do with your mistakes after you make them. And this is going to take some courage from you. It's going to take some integrity to tell him that you put him at risk. And it's still a good thing you're doing telling him even after the fact. It shows you care. (And sidenote: the chances of passing HSV-2 — especially when there's no active outbreak — is minimal. But regardless, best practice is to have the herpes talk before any sort of sexy business at all.)

 

So before you sneak out the back door never to be heard from again, I say if you like the guy, you own up to it from a place of caring about him. Don't beat yourself up too much. Own up to it with integrity and owning your mistake. He could get pissed at you. He could totally appreciate you for telling him at all. And it sounds like you really like this guy and you want to do right by him. And yes, just the fact that you feel so guilty about it means you have integrity that will keep you in check. Someone without integrity would just slough it off and move on. The fact that it bothers you is a good thing.

 

Now, question is ... What are you going to do about it? ;)

[LoveTheBeach7]

Thanks for your response. What do I say to him?

[mr_hopp]

You're welcome for the response. ;) And who's having the conversation with him, you or me? :) Let's start with what YOU genuinely want to say to him ... What would be most true, most authentic for you to say?