He won't get tested for herpes and who do I tell?

[suzyque]

Hi,

I'm newly diagnosed. I've been in a monogamous relationship for about 7 months, and my boyfriend has told me he tested negative for HSV-2 prior to dating me and had been celibate (by choice) for a period of 2 years before we began dating. I tested negative in May 2013. I am struggling with where I got it from. My guess is I was exposed to it by a man I had sex with shortly a few months before I started dating my now boyfriend. I was with him once and used protection, but he turned out to be a lunatic and I don't trust anything he has since told me and I no longer have any contact with him. I do recall him joking that that he had herpes, but then he denied it, so who knows. I got tested only a month after that sexual encounter, which I now realize was likely too soon to have the antibodies show up in the blood test. I don't recall having any initial symptoms within those first few weeks, and the past two weeks have been my first miserable and terrible outbreak, which is about 1 year after when I think I was exposed. I don't know how common this is, to have such a delay with the first outbreak, but for whatever reason, the herpes decided to make its first appearance.

 

My problem at this point is that my partner is procrastinating about being tested. I don't understand why. He's a mature, well educated physician. He has been nothing but supportive of me. Has assured me he isn't going anywhere and he loves me etc.. He has acted like this is not a big deal and that we can manage it successfully. I, on the other hand, am devastated. He said he will get tested, but so far has not. It's been a few weeks since I tested positive and we've talked about him getting tested regularly. I don't know if he's embarrassed to get tested, in denial that its a possibility that he has it, doesn't want to know one way or the other - I just don't get his reluctance. I am already on suppressive meds and he said if he tests positive he will do the same. But he hasn't gotten tested. I am worried about if I exposed him and the ramifications of how he will feel if he does test positive.

 

I am also concerned about who I should tell. There were two long term friends w/ benefits who I had a last hurrah with (separately, mind you) after sleeping with the lunatic and before deciding to settle down with my now BF. I don't think they gave it to me as I had been with them off and on for a long time, but if there is a chance I exposed them, I feel like they have the right to know. The doctor said it is highly unlikely I could have passed it to anyone prior to my first outbreak, but some of what I have read seems to contradict that. I was waiting to see what my bf results were figuring that if he tests negative after 7 months of unprotected sex with me, then it is pretty unlikely one encounter with the FWBs would have exposed them. However, with my bf's delay in getting tested, I am feeling like I need to talk to them regardless.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts on any of this?? I'd appreciate anything you'd like to share. Thanks in advance :-)

[WCSDancer2010]

@suzyque

 

First - Welcome! You've found a great place to get educated, get support, and vent ;)

 

So yes, you could have got it from ANY of your previous partners... one thing I have learned with working with people on here.... unless you SEE the other person's test and you KNOW they were not with anyone for 4-6 months before that test, anyone could have it.

 

I would definitely tell the FWB's... you could have been shedding asymptomatically and not known it. For that matter, so could they... you may not be their own FWB /:) And most Family Dr's are horridly behind the times with their knowledge so he may not really understand asymptomatic shedding :(

 

Regarding your partner... well, it could be because he doesn't regard it as a big deal. Doctors don't see HSV the way the general public does... it may just not be important to him. OR... he may just not want to know...men can be weird that way. :p

 

If you are both H+, you can actually go off the anti-virals - you can't give each other "more" of it once you get beyond your first few months....

 

Either way, you will be fine and life goes on. I've had this 35 years and I've survived just fine ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[suzyque]

Thank you for your response. I hope you are right and my partner just doesn't see it as a big issue. My suspicious side wants to assume the worst - like he has had it all along and doesn't want to tell me. There is absolutely no evidence of this, but as I said, I'm struggling with the "Who the hell gave this to me?" issue right now and I need him to follow through on getting testing for both our benefits. I just have to be patient, I guess. I am also waiting for the feeling of "life goes on." I'm a practical person and will deal with this like I've dealt with every other adversity in my life, but it really sucks! My heart is heavy with sadness that I now have to consider my H status before any sexual encounter I have -whether that be with my current partner or any in the future.

[WCSDancer2010]

@suzyque

 

Then tell him that it's important to you to know his status ... that it means a lot to you to know whether you need to protect him or not. With luck if he isn't doing it because it's not important to him, he'll do it for you but you need to let him know what it means to you for him to do it ;)

[Guest]

Suzy: From a guy's perspective, I think your BF's position is odd and his cavalier and relaxed attitude about this makes me suspicious. Getting tested is quite easy and he should do it to ease your anxiety, and your concern about others.

[suzyque]

Thanks for replying. Good to hear from a guy :-) Update is that he got tested on Friday, so we are waiting for the results. I agree his position is odd. Still trying to figure it out. We've been together awhile and he has never given me even a slight reason to doubt anything, so I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. It kind of sucks that there is no way for me to know if he had it before me or not. I just have to choose whether or not to trust him. I hate to be suspicious, but I don't want to be an idiot either.

[Guest]

If he says he is negative, please make sure to see the printout. If he makes a big deal about his privacy rights, just say "guys have lied to me in the past and this will help me get over it."

 

Perhaps this isn't your first outbreak and you previously had other symptoms that went unnoticed or were thought to be other things? As for your single encounter with your previous partner, with a condom, the odds of transmission from a single occurrence when not having an outbreak are very, very low. However, since he was a lunatic, all bets are off as to whether he was hot with an OB.

 

You should know that some guys are programed to always lie about sexual pasts. The problem with the situation now is that if your current BF tests positive, he will say he got it from you and that he was pure before you "tainted" him. But this is all academic if you really, really love this guy and this is a "keeper" relationship.

[WCSDancer2010]

As for your single encounter with your previous partner, with a condom, the odds of transmission from a single occurrence when not having an outbreak are very, very low.

 

Don't say that to Herry - that's exactly how he got it AND he's a guy (ie, has half the risk that women do). If the area that the person sheds from is in the groin/thigh/etc area a condom is 100% useless :(

[Guest]

That begs the question of whether Herry's partner was having an outbreak or not. Odds are she was.

[WCSDancer2010]

You will have to ask him that...but again, many many people have ASYMPTOMATIC SHEDDING ...meaning NO SYMPTOMS .. for up to 15-30% of the time for HSV2 genital.

 

http://jid.oxfordjournals.org/content/198/8/1098.full

 

 

And from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3144252/

the risk of sexual transmission does not correlate with the recognition of clinical signs and symptoms of HSV-2, but most likely correlates with viral mucosal shedding.

 

These studies swabbed the participants daily and they had to report any symptoms...or lack of symptoms... so it is quite possible that you can pass it on through aysmptomatic shedding

[Guest]

Agreed.