Contemplating the mysteries of intimacy

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

When i was a young teenager i believed in romance. i believed in two souls being made just for each other. That if my soul cried out the others half would feel it in tgeir heart. But its ll a lie. There is no man or woman made just for us. Instead life is about letting many people in your heart each one yas their own special place in it. And hoping hoping you find just one that won't trample tge hell all over it. Are love and loyalty really just things of tghe past? How can you really be sure it wasn't tge hsv getting in the way of intimacy? Why is intimacy so hard to find in our society now? I've tried being myself I've tried being someone i wasn't. I tell myself i don't care i don't need intimacy fuck it all but then i wouldn't be up at 1 in tge mirning bawlin like a bitch iand wondering what the hell is wrong with me if i disnt care. Anyhow I'm getting off track on sharing my thoughts. I've been thinking that the idea of a romantic soulmate,split apart, or " other half" is basically an unrealistic concept. Many people come into our lives. sone leave. some cheat some die. But what time they had in your life earns them a spot in your heart that can't be touched or trespassed on just like loving someone new. The love you find for them is their own and is in no way tarnished by the the fact that you have known love before them and in fact actually helps mold you into a better partner by having learned from past partners. I still feel like herpes is holding me back. What if he wasn't just scared of ruining tge friendship what if in fact. it was herpes that scared tge hell out if him. Can i blame him or anyone for that matter. i was scared as hell when i got it why wouldn't he be afraid? Even niw when i think I've cone to termes with it its still hurting me. I was damaged before herpes I'm really fucked up now. I don't even have tghe option of becoming the crazy club lovin whore that men seem to dig now a days.. gone are tghe days i could use casual sex as an escape from the rejection of the man i really anted. Why are emotionsso weird and why can't we control it? I can say all day long i choose to be happy today i choose not to think about tge things that are bringing me down and xtill you can't control it. You really can't choose who it is you desire to be intimate with. That's just my thoughts on it.

[WCSDancer2010]

Hey PeachY :)

 

So first and foremost.... you bought into the Disney Movie ideal that the knight in shining armor would come along and sweep you off your feet and you would live happily ever after (just like most of the rest of us, BTW). One of my biggest "Aha!" moments around relationships came when a friend loaned me a book called "There is no Prince" by by Marilyn Graman and Maureen Walsh (Found it on Amazon here... shortened the link for you http://tinyurl.com/kplj6wy ). I HIGHLY suggest that you get a copy ;)

 

You are totally right in your thoughts that people come into our lives, and some leave, but they all will hold a small piece of our heart.... they are all here to teach us something that can make us a better person for our next relationship.

 

However, you are wrong about herpes "holding you back".... YOU are holding you back. Your beliefs that you are "Not good enough", "Not Lovable", "Dirty", or whatever is your belief is what is holding you back. Herpes just gives you something to place the blame on. Odds are all those beliefs were there... no matter how confident you may have pretended to be... it was there...buried perhaps, but it was there. Now you just can't escape it ;)

 

Regarding emotions ... when you get to your CORE that emotions are just emotions (they are not the "truth") that is step one to gaining control of them. It takes a lot of practice to notice an emotion "I feel sad" and be able to say to yourself "I feel sad, and it's ok for now. Something crappy happened and I feel sad." and allow yourself to have the emotion (because suppressing it won't make it go away, it will just be put into a "ticking time bomb" file with all your other suppressed emotions). If anything, honoring it makes it go away faster ;)

 

You may not be able to choose who you are attracted to...certainly chemistry is a fickle thing. However, when they make it plain to you that they are not interested in a relationship with you (for ANY reason), we have to figure out what is best for US ... can we just be friends or not? Do I need to walk away from this person (maybe temporarily, maybe permanently) for my emotional health? That IS a choice that you have. You may not LIKE it, but you are in charge of doing what is best for you.

 

Is Herpes the reason he's pulled back? Maybe. Or maybe he's one of the many people who second guess EVERYTHING (I have 2 friends who do this and it drives me NUTS!). They will think of every single reason why they shouldn't do something and change their minds every 2 minutes.... or they walk away because they have "figured out" every reason why it won't work. And Herpes may just be one of many things going through their mind. You can't get into their heads and listen to the chatter that is going on over there. You can only control what is happening on your side.

 

I briefly dated a guy who complained that "all women want to f*ck him, feed him, and send him home. I made it clear that I was not one of them... and he said he could see that. But he came up with every BS reason for us not to work... I lived too far in the opposite direction from his work (he commuted 1 1/2 hrs each way) even tho I said I would be responsible for driving for any mid-week visits and we could trade off weekend. He said he was thinking of moving closer to the city ... when I had made it plain that I'm actually very open to moving, especially to an area where I might have a bigger clientele for my massage business (My area is dying :( ). He admitted he liked having women contact him on the dating sites.. I pointed out that he "says" he wants a relationship but he isn't acting in a way that is congruent with that and he didn't deny it. He could get over the Herpes when I was there as long as the "other head" was in charge... but he continued to say things like "I should be able to see it" even when I told him that he had very likely been with women who had it, and would again if we didn't continue to date. And I can BET you that he's out there jumping in bed with women who he believes are telling him the truth. He just vented on FB (3 months later) that there are no women with integrity out there and blamed that for his being single. I couldn't help myself... I pointed out to him that if he keeps getting the same result, then he had to look to the common denominator... HIMSELF. Five women jumped right on and agreed with me... and he had to admit I was right. AND, I totally get that his deciding to not date me is soooo not about Herpes....it's about his need for validation through women. Yes, H may have been part of the "excuse", but it was only one part.

 

When you get it to your core that while H may be one part of a person's reason to move on, odds are, there are other things going on for them..... especially if they were already wishy-washy.... AND, if it IS the reason, well, we have to respect that. It's just another deal breaker. I absolutely won't date a smoker. I've talked to men that I really truly wish were not smokers, many of whom could not understand why I am so firm on this. But I won't expose myself to second hand smoke if I don't have to and I hate being woken up by someone hacking out half a lung in the morning..... it's my CHOICE and it doesn't mean they are "bad" people. They just have something about them that I don't choose to live with.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

Thanks dancer. i always appreciate your advice. Thanks for the hugs :) i needed them.. People in real life think i actually take rejection pretty well and i don't sweat it but truth is i don't take rejection well at all.

[WCSDancer2010]

I posted something on rejection on her awhile back... its one of the most powerful emotions that we experience... it's how many cultures control their people ... you don't tow the line, you are shunned/cast out. Read this article and maybe you will understand it better - I know it made me feel a LOT better after my last rejection because now I understand to my core that its a primal reaction that doesn't say anything about me, the other person, or what happened. Its a deep instinct to do what you have to in order to be accepted and keep ties with others.

 

AND, that's ALL it is. My last rejection only affected me for 2 days... I allowed myself to bawl my eyes out and cry myself dry - and because I was at a dance weekend when it happened, I would then dry my eyes and go downstairs and get myself out on the dance floor. It was AMAZINGLY easy. Because I really got it that it was just a primal instinct and nothing more. Poof! It no longer has me in it's grip ;)

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

That was really cool to read i didn't realize it was a primal instinct to feel that way. thank you for sharing that with me i might have missed some stuff going on yall been talkin about. My lifes been great foe the most part. I longer even think about acting like a science lab rat around my kids. i guess now the only time I'm gonna think much about it is when a man's involved lol. its all good i shall stock up on ibuprofen hahaha and knock out those physical rejection pangs before they start lol

[WCSDancer2010]

LOL - yeah - I can just see advertisements for Ibuprofen now::

 

Cures Headaches, Muscle Aches and Pains, Rejection Pains, blah blah blah.....LOL

 

And I'm finding that the more I understand WHY I feel/react like I do to things, the easier it is to just let it go ;)