I need direction and help.

[tam3986]

I really don't know if I am ready to talk about this but I feel like I need direction and help to make a few decisions in my life. Here is the very vague background - my "husband" and I were each others firsts we met when we were 14 and 15 years old. At 19 I got pregnant with our daughter and at 23 we were married. A few months after we were married I got pregnant with our son. After being together for 10 years and married for 3 he had a drinking problem that I couldn't handle anymore so I divorced him. 1 year later we decided we should work things out. So on April 1, 2013 the kids and I moved back in with him. Things have been going ok until December 2013. I found out I had herpes. I have not been with anyone but him my entire life and he admits to being with multiple people while we were separated. However, he also says he has no idea that he has/could have herpes. He still has not gotten tested and I feel like if he really cared he would have taken the initiative to find out.

 

Sorry this is so all over the place. I just don't know how to get it all out. Either way I don't know what to do. We are seeking marriage counseling but I feel like the trust is gone and I am just not attracted to him at all. I also feel like I got back together with him because his life was spinning out of control and I needed to save it for our children.

[WCSDancer2010]

@tam3986

 

First - Welcome.... glad to meet you!

 

Can you tell me which strain you have? Or do you know?

 

It's entirely possible that he got it and never had an outbreak. It's also possible that he gave you HSV1 genitally if you had oral sex. 80% of the population has it and 80% of them don't know they have it.

 

So - here's my thought. If he got it while you were separated, well, you WERE divorced. And it IS entirely possible that he didn't know he had it. And I'd guess that he's in denial now and just doesn't want to know....people, especially men, can be really good at putting their head in the sand rather than facing something :( If you hadn't been with anyone else it's pretty clear he has it anyway.... so I'm not sure why you feel the need for him to get tested.

 

... I am just not attracted to him at all. I also feel like I got back together with him because his life was spinning out of control and I needed to save it for our children.

 

To be perfectly honest, if that was why you got back with him, then you are with him for all the wrong reasons and you are NOT doing your children any favors. Any child who has been the product of a loveless marriage will tell you that they would far prefer their parents divorce than to stay together. They feel every bit of your pain and stress.... its good that you are in counseling but in the end, you have to do what is right for you and the children... he is a grown man and if he can't get his drinking and his life under control you can't "save" him.

 

(((HUGS))) my friend ...

[tam3986]

Thanks for your quick response. I have hsv-2. I kind of knew getting back with him was not necessarily the right decisions and now I feel like I have been used. In the end he is a great guy and a good dad but I am just so confused on how all of this happened. And why don't men get breakouts like women do? And how is it possible for them to not know? I just can't wrap my mind around all of this. I also wonder if I should bring it up in counseling? It is so embarrassing! I also wonder how life will be if I wasn't with him (meaning trying to explain to other men I might meet). Clearly since I've only been with one person my whole life (I'm 28 years old) I am just lost!!

[WCSDancer2010]

Many men DO get breakouts - it's not a matter of sex - it's a much more complicated matter of immune function, stress, foods, hormones, and very likely even genetics.

 

I stress this again. EIGHTY PERCENT of people with herpes don't know they have it! male AND female! Women *may* be more likely to have OB's but that's because we have a lovely, warm, moist environment with thin skin and monthly hormonal fluctuations. That said, I know plenty of guys who have some pretty rough OB's - including my ex-hubby (who got it from me, because in the early 80's, that "heat rash" was never properly diagnosed) who got flu symptoms, swollen glands and blisters....

 

And YES, bring it up in counseling! Honey, you CAN'T shock those of us in the medical field (I'm a Massage Therapist and I've heard plenty in my office, and I'm not in the Psychological medical field!)

 

How to explain to another man? Just what you told us here. You have been with ONE man - you had a time apart and he managed to get it during that time. The important part is to get educated and learn the facts so that you can confidently disclose to a potential partner .......

 

(((HUGS)))