A revelation.

[Sparklepony]

"I never thought I would be here"

 

Pretty much what I've said to myself about once a week for the last two and a half years. I've often joked with a close friend that the shit that has happened in my life is the stuff they base Lifetime movies on. It kind of all started when I made the mistake millions of other people make every year, I got married. (I kid, I kid. Marriage is... great?) Did I love him? Yeah, probably. Did I know it wasn't right? Yes. I know what you're thinking, why would I have gotten married then? Emotionally I wasn't in a good place. No fault of my now ex husbands, he didn't screw with me emotionally until AFTER we got married. My issues started before he and I were even together. In high school, well actually most of my life, I was never the really smart girl, I was never athletic. I was however, really hot. (Humble I know) So knowing that was my "strong" point, I ran with it. I allowed that to define me. Then after graduating from high school (three years to be exact) I got sick. Long story short, lots of meds equals lots of weight gain. I saw my once naturally thin body gaining weight at an out of control rate, my skin breaking out from all the things going on internally, my hair dry from my bodys lack of ability to nurture the inside let alone the outside. I had no way to stop it. I felt horrible and ashamed of myself. I continued to let how I look define me. Fast forward about a year and I meet my now ex husband. At first I did not like that guy, at all. He annoyed me. He also did something no one else had done in a long time. He told me I was beautiful, smart, funny. I fell for it after I stopped thinking and started listening to the bullshit he was spitting out. This was also around the same time that my best friends were getting married and having kids. So of course I felt like I needed to do the same. I believe he picked up on my need to be like everyone else and decided to proposed. I obviously said yes.

 

I wouldn't ever have considered myself to be happily married. It was never fun, there was no honeymoon phase. He switched personalities almost right away. Gone was the guy who told me I looked good without make-up, the guy who was appreciative about me cooking (really amazing) meals, and the guy who liked my family. Replaced with him was someone who criticized me when I wore make-up and got dressed up and when I didn't, someone who told me I was lazy, someone who thought my family was out to get him because they didn't agree with some of the choices he made after we got married. I literally felt like nothing I did was right. We fought constantly. I felt like I had no say in anything because I didn't make him happy... I felt trapped. Shorty after we got married I found out he didn't get the memo that said once you're a married man you don't get to have girlfriends anymore. I confronted the girl. Thought it was all taken care of and decided to stick it out with my marriage. Getting pregnant was clearly the fix all to this mess....

 

I was six weeks pregnant when I decided to move out of the home I shared with my now ex husband. The affair never ended, they just got smarter at hiding it. Until the other girl found I was pregnant. She then went on a rampage telling everyone that they had been seeing each other, that he was leaving me and they were moving in together, and that they had gotten a dog together. Me moving out was the start of a long drawn out divorce, and a ongoing battle over custody battle. I am a single mom. My ex husband has seen our child one time since he was born. My finances are just now starting to become actual finances used to pay for things other than my attorney and bills my ex husband stuck me with.

 

Because of all this I swore off dating. I swore I would become a nun. I swore I would become a crazy dog lady (I'm not a cat person. Cats are shady) but you can't become a crazy dog lady without a dog. I lost my dog a few months ago. My buddy through the whole shit show that was my divorce, my childs playmate, and the cutest dog ever. I think that hurt even more than my divorce. Clearly my plans to become a nun fell through as well. I met someone. Someone I still consider to be a good guy. He just gave me herpes so I lost interest. It felt like the universe was telling me that I wasn't meant to have an actual life.

 

Here is the upside to all my random thoughts:

 

I don't think my ex husband is a horrible person, just a person who makes horrible choices. I am a free thinking, intelligent adult. I should have paid more attention to the warning signs. Does this excuse his behavior? Hell no. Did I have the ability to change how this all played out? Yes. It is what it is and I wouldn't change it if I could because without it I would not have my child. I don't consider my herpes giver a bad person. Probably just someone who was afraid to tell me the truth. I'm assuming he knew he had, maybe he genuinely didn't. Either way, it doesn't matter now. Some days I still feel like that terrified person I was two years ago. I'm not though. I am tough as hell, because I've been through hell. My heart still has the ability to love, and forgive. I have the most beautiful child, and more importantly he is so happy and so healthy. I have amazing friends and family who have been with me every single day through all of this. I have a great job. I also have the ability to determine how I want to live the rest of my life. I am blessed enough to make that choice, and after all of the "life lessons" I have been taught the last few years I have the confidence in myself to know that I will make the right choices. The truth is, I was a spoiled brat. I needed life to kick me in the ass until I learned these lessons. I needed something to force me to wake up everyday and realize that I need to fight every day to be happy despite the circumstances, and not just for myself but for my child too. I think all of these hard days and all of these struggles led me to this point, but I think being diagnosed with herpes was the final push. I've decided to take care of my relationships, my mind, and my body. I've decided to live peacefully with myself.

 

End rambling.

[WCSDancer2010]

Beautiful.... I've got chills reading this. I soooo love it when someone finally owns their part in where they are because that is when you can claim your power. You have stopped being a victim and dependent on others for your confidence and you are now able to see just how strong and beautiful you are. And THAT is the most precious gift you can give your child.

 

Well done my friend, well done :)