I just need to vent.

[Sparklepony]

This really isn't herpes related, but I am worried all the stress will cause another outbreak.

 

So. I have a child, a beautiful perfect child. I also have an ex husband who can't seem to grow up. He has nothing to do with our son. Never sees him, never calls to ask about him, no child support is paid. He pretty much fails to even acknowledge that our son exists. He also has an older child from before, and now a new baby. All three with different moms. For the most part he and I have no contact. We simply go about 3-4 months without speaking or texting. Occasionally I will send information about changes in insurance or day care, or just send him recent pictures. He usually just doesn't reply. Sometimes though it seems like he just gets angry one random day and decides that he and I need to fight. So he will call, usually to bitch about being expected to pay child support or complain about how my attorney "harasses" him because he will receive letters as reminders to cooperate with out agreements when he fails to do so...... because he needs to be reminded that he has a son I guess.....? He likes to throw in a few insults about how I am not financially as well off as him so how could I manage to take care of "that kid" (he actually refers to my son that way) I can normally brush it off and go about my business. Today though, I couldn't. I didn't retaliate with insults or swearing, even though I wanted to. I basically asked him what his plan was as far as being involved with our son. Did he plan on waiting until he was older and easier to care for? Waiting until he felt like there would be no actual responsibility on his part? Would he explain to our son that he just simply didn't care up until then? Did he plan on just forever pretending that he doesn't have a son? and if so, how did he live with that? I should have known to just hang up and not attempt to carry on a conversation with him. He said something along the lines that he did not care about "that kid" and never wants to be a part of his life. He didn't want "that kid" (side note: my child was planned, we actually did intend for me to get pregnant) and I could just deal with it myself forever because I chose to keep the baby.... but he would never sign his rights away or change the joint custody incase he and his girlfriend decided they wanted to be a part of his life one day. Then hung up.

 

Needless to say, I was angry. I started crying and just couldn't believe that bullshit actually came out of his mouth. I honestly don't know how someone can even get those words out. I know a big part of him says those things to cover his guilt. I have to believe that he honestly does feel guilt about the situation being this way. I have never made it difficult for him to see my son. He's only asked one time, and I drove the few hours distance for him to see my then 2 month old child. He's never attempted since. He's never once called to ask how our son was. He doesn't even know who our son is, and our son has no idea who he is. He's never called on holidays. I would be shocked if he know my sons birthday. That HAS to wear on a person, right? I've looked into my ex and I willingly letting him sign his parental rights away, and it's just simply not something courts will go for. I'm angry because he now has another child after he decided to completely ignore the child we have together, and only is involved with his oldest if and when it's convenient for him. I feel like it's a giant FU to his older two children, me, and his oldest childs mom. I know it's nothing personal, just complete lack of parental morals and responsibility on his part. It still bothers me though because he has no place having more kids. I know after all this time I should just laugh at his words and move on. Given the situation and the other things that have happened, I have. In my opinion, I've handled the situation extremely well. However, the stress and the emotions get me and I just get so angry sometimes. My son deserves better. He deserves a dad that puts him as a priority, the same as I have. I deserve better. I deserve someone who will co parent despite the situation. I don't know how anyone can look at their childs face, even if it's just in pictures, and be okay with choosing to not be in their life.

[WCSDancer2010]

My son deserves better. He deserves a dad that puts him as a priority, the same as I have. I deserve better. I deserve someone who will co parent despite the situation.

 

Well, I would say your child definitely deserves a father who LOVES him unconditionally. If his father cannot give that freely, he's better out of his life and you would do best to move on, do what you can to provide for your child so you don't have to depend on whether he pays child support, and hopefully some day a man will come into your life who will love your child as their own.

 

As for you deserving better well, it isn't going to happen. So stop expecting it. Yes it would be nice to have him there to take your child and give you a break. But there are a lot of things out there that it would be nice to have... I'm sorry he's a jerk but it is what it is. You just have to be a great example to your child about how to behave as the better person.

 

Iyanla Vanzant is a powerhouse in this area and Oprah has had a number of Single Parent/ Fatherless children shows lately that may help you... here is one clip from one of them

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/26/iyanla-vanzant-single-mom_n_4854121.html?utm_hp_ref=iyanla-vanzant

 

(((HUGS))) my friend. It sounds like you just have to let go of any expectation of anything from him. And if he comes around, well, you can deal with it then. Who knows why he's acting this way??? People are weird sometimes and we do things that just are totally irrational to anyone else (and often to ourselves later when we break through whatever has "possessed" us). You have to accept the situation as it is right now and deal with it if it changes later. It's all you can do...

[HerryTheHerp]

Oh darling,

 

This story sounds all too familiar. I'm sorry you are having to go through it. I've spent the last 6 years helping my sister through a very similar situation. It sucks, and believe me, I understand the frustration and the hurt. It's not fair. It's not right. Your ex is the kind of boy I'd like to meet in a darkened alley.

 

I'm gonna tell you this though. It's the same thing I told my sis: "That kid" looks up at you and sees his whole world. He sees a mother who loves him more than anything else in the world, and that's all that matters to him. Sure, there's an ache in his heart not knowing his dad. I'm gonna tell you from experience that the ache will never go away...but it will dull over time. As long as you give him all the love you can, he's going to grow up and become the man his never was. Teach him to love, respect, and cherish women. Teach him the right way to treat people. Teach him that bad things happen and make us stronger and able to help others. And, when you do that, one day you'll wake up and you'll see that you've fallen in love with a true man, and when you set him free into the world, he's gonna set some poor woman's heart on fire.

 

Keep your chin up. Get a dammit doll. If that doesn't work, I have connections in the Voodoo underworld. I'm not above using pin cushions and potions as negotiation tools...

[Sparklepony]

Thanks guys! I'm feeling a lot better tonight. Usually it just irritates me for about a day or so and then I'm over it again. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I just don't get how someone could not care about their child. I don't like not knowing the why of a situation. It seems like such a foreign idea to me because I've never dealt with anyone like this before. My family and friends are just not the slightest bit that way.

 

I've decided to just take it in stride and if he ever decides to be involved then fine. I won't "not allow" it but if he so choses to continue to be an absent parent then he's the one missing out, not me. I don't hate him. I don't have the ability to hate anyone. I hate the things he does. I think he's just dug himself into a hole deep enough that he figures he will never be able to get out so why bother righting his wrongs. It actually makes me feel bad for him.

 

Herry- I'm curious as to what voodoo connections you have? Always been a little fascinated with that culture. Side note: did you by chance watch any of the third season of American Horror Story?