Long distance relationship - need help disclosing herpes

[murbs]

Hi Everyone!

 

I met this guy last summer pre-herpes. He was interested in dating me then, but I was not emotionally ready b/c I had just ended a relationship. I have had almost a full year to heal from it and the one night stand in the middle left me with this virus. I have had the worst time dealing with it. Because I'm somewhat of a hypochondriac, I spend many hours trolling the internet trying to figure out why and how this happened to me and seeing if I can 100% prevent someone else from catching this from me. It did not help that one of my friends who is in med school who I told said that whoever I will date, will get it. I have been distraught. I have been talking and hanging out with this guy who has liked me since last summer and we are both wanting to start a relationship. There is a catch. He lives about 90 miles away from me. He is also still in school. I guess the thing I am wondering is if I tell him, will he reject me b/c he is so unsure the relationship will work out because of distance and timing of it all? Has anyone else started a long distance relationship with herpes? How do I tell him. I have been staying at his house and things have been mostly hands off. No sex, but I can tell he would like to. I'm 23.

[HerryTheHerp]

How and why? You had sex. That's it. That's how. That's why. Is it fair? No. Is it easy? Hell no. Is it life? Yep, that's all it is. Now, get off the internet. It's a waste of time.

 

Your friend from med school is an idiot. Beat 'em with the stupid stick. Is it possible that you'll date someone and give it to them? Sure is. Is it possible you won't? Sure is. There are couples together for decades who never transmit it. Fact.

 

90 miles is not long distance. I've conducted relationships with oceans between us. 90 miles is a commute.

 

Will he reject you? Only one way to find out...

 

Get yourself educated on herpes. The risks, the transmission routes, the preventative measures you can take, the whole kit and kaboodle. The more you know, the easier you can tell him and answer his questions.

 

Chin up. You found the right place for advice. We'll all help guide you through this.

[WCSDancer2010]

@murbs

 

Welcome... you found the perfect place for support and information.

 

It did not help that one of my friends who is in med school who I told said that whoever I will date, will get it.

 

You need to send your friend to the CDC website and educate them about transmission rates and anti-virals. Tell them they better damn well get properly educated about ANY disease/condition they are going to advise people on because theres a lady on the Herpes forums who is about to go postal on all the Medical Dr's and such who are giving out crap information X(

 

I'm going to add a bunch of links from our success stories on here...some of which are long distance relationships. Perhaps that will help you figure out how you want to approach it :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2445/my-success-story simplyme24

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2495/a-coming-out-story- DanieM

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2544/disclosure silentstandoff

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1644/having-the-herpes-talk-with-a-new-partner Daisy

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2689/first-time-disclosing-herpes-and-very-very-nervous paleogardenerkika

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2789/about-to-have-the-herpes-talk Empowered 74

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2833/this-was-a-first kitcattat

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2892/first-disclosing-talk-with-a-new-guy-so-relieved Figuringthisout

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2879/rekindling-an-old-flame Valkyrie

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3021/successful-herpes-disclosure Starsinhereyes

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said- thisisgoingtobeok

[murbs]

I went and visited him this weekend and he really respects that I want to take things slow, but I am feeling a little guilty about not telling him why. Every time we lay by each other I just hug him for a long time b/c I get so scared he will leave when I tell him. He is a great guy and I always chicken out and give him an excuse why I won't let him touch me. I have had terrible anxiety about it and he asked me last night why I was shaking. I'm back at home now feeling guilty that I didn't tell him this weekend. Should I call and tell him? He is coming to visit me this weekend.

[HerryTheHerp]

That's a tough one. I'd say wait until he's there in person. 90 miles isn't too long of a drive; if it was a plane ride, I'd suggest over the phone. but, since it's not that far, well, do the deed face to face.

 

First, take a deep breath. Get your facts down cold. Practice in a mirror. That's right, get used to doing it so you've got the speech rehearsed and ready to go. Do you have a friend nearby who knows? Have them practice with you. That'll help and they can give you feedback.

 

Feel guilty? You shouldn't. You didn't do anything wrong, and if he really likes you, he's gonna see just how scared you are, and he's gonna wrap his arms around you and listen with all his heart.

[murbs]

I guess my anxiety is just getting to me. I feel like if I made a spontaneous trip to see him just to tell him this, it would make him think that it is a bigger deal than it should be. I'm just torn and worried that when he stays the night this weekend if he won't even want to stay if I tell him.

 

How would you want a woman to start this conversation? I have thought about starting with "I really like you and I feel really comfortable with you and can see our relationship going further, because of these things I have to tell you something about myself that I cannot change. This yearh I was diagnosed with genital herpes. Do you know what that means?"

 

What would you say after that? and he is a biochemistry major, so he obviously knows about the virus, etc. He honestly probably knows more about the science part than me. All I know is the transmission rates and the stories of other people. I am on suppressive therapy and have been since my first outbreak b/c of my past experience with other strains of the virus aka I have had shingles twice and am only 23.

[WCSDancer2010]

@murbs -

 

First - BREATHE! Sounds like the guy really likes you ... believe me, I know how hard it is to find a guy who will just hold you and not continually try to see how far they can go ... AND, once you tell him, he will understand how scared you have been to tell him ... BUT, you have to get a grip so you can tell him calmly when you see him next weekend. If you act like you are shamed by this, he will feel it. It was ok for him to experience that you were scared this last weekend, (it brings out the protective side of the man) but at some point that will backfire ... if you make it to be such a big, hairy thing, he will be more likely to be scared off when you tell him.

 

You wrote a great start to the disclosure. I would mention that you wanted to tell him last weekend but when he was holding you, you just didn't want to spoil the moment. And tell him when you are not already in an intimate place ...

 

And just because he's a biochem major it won't mean he really UNDERSTANDS the virus or what it's like to live with it. Sometimes a little learning is a dangerous thing... so have the handouts and links ready... esp this site. And you need to know if he's had Chicken Pox as well since you have Shingles... because if not, he needs to get the vaccine for it to be safe.... so perhaps you can sorta lighten the moment and tell him that Herpes just seems to love you ... start with Shingles and go from there... do you know which kind of HSV you have?

 

(((HUGS)))