DON’T READ THIS IF YOU ARE FEELING CRAPPY

[Carlos]

You were once so stubborn your therapist exclaimed, “I think this therapy has benefitted me more than it has you!” That was the beginning of the end. You couldn’t forgive her, although it’s the wisest, coldest slice of truth ever given to you by a person who gave a fuck. When your therapist said that, you left her office and ran to the appropriate friend, one who would listen to your rant and say what you wanted to hear. That friend exclaimed, “You’re going to fire that therapist, right? Because that’s totally out of line and unprofessional.” The truth is that nothing or no one could’ve relieved you of your narcissism. You were in therapy but you were self-medicating with alcohol and marijuana. You were in therapy but You were being indifferent to money, spending above your means and saving zero. You were in therapy but You were totally consumed with what You were getting; so consumed that you created a dialogue in your head in which people and God —Life itself— were all conspiring against you. You were in therapy but You were hung up on the idea that you could fix yourself and everything will one day be perfect. You were in therapy and the malady was transparent enough, but the only one who couldn’t —or wouldn’t— see it was you.

 

The word malady is used here in reference to spiritual dis-ease; and the word spiritual, to encompass three aspects of the human condition: mind, body and emotion.

 

Each of us is on a distinctive journey; its peaks and valleys perfectly placed, each obstacle positioned there for a specific purpose. Were we to measure the circumstances of our lives, would we see an algorithm? A set of detailed instructions which would result in a predictable end-state? Probably not. Life feels more like eerily ordered chaos. The only end in sight is death. Between now and then, what have we got? What have you got?

 

To convince yourself that no one could love you or want you because you acquired genital herpes is selfish, it’s narcissistic. Or has the Herpes Simplex Virus given you clairvoyance ability? Somehow in your self-pity you’ve become a seer. Unpack this for a moment: who are you to claim to know how someone is going to feel or behave post-disclosure? You cannot persuade anyone to like you. Why sweat it? What You are responsible for is your thinking process, your word’s honor, the integrity of your actions. The rest belongs to the other fellow.

 

When your doctor said to you, “You had sex and you got herpes; you weren’t doing anything wrong,” you laughed. How kind and blind is this man all at once! Does he not understand that your life is over, that if dating was hard pre-herpes, now it’s going to SUCK? There is some pleasure in pain. And herpes is the perfect justification; for as long as you take on the victim role, you will have a tyrannous world to grieve about, to struggle against. You will take meds because sick people take meds, and for as long as You are afflicted, you won’t have to take responsibility for how you sabotaged your well-being. Loving yourself is too much work and not remotely as fun as having others do it for you. "Sorry me; where’s my company?" In affliction you can point fingers: if only your mother hadn’t left you, you would’ve grown up without that unquenchable thirst to please others; you would’ve never attracted the kind of sexual partners you have attracted, and most likely you would’ve never caught this dis-ease. The afflicted personality is always the center of the universe; everything that occurs —positive and negative— revolves around this center.

 

There are those among us who will not recover from narcissism. They are usually men and women who are incapable of being truthful with themselves. They are inept at grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. They can’t or won’t give themselves completely to the simplicity of a practice that asks of us to give generously and regard the needs of others without allowing our own needs to interfere. “Our desire to receive cannot be for the self alone. True joy is never achieved through selfishness. Maybe only for the moment. But in order to receive endlessly, we have to constantly bring the Creator into our lives. Our Creator, who is only sharing, is like a magnet towards any consciousness of sharing that is present in this physical world. Therefore, when our desires are occupied with doing more for others than what we did yesterday, the Creator then becomes like that magnet towards us, and rushes in to fulfill our voids. The secret recipe for receiving it all dwells in this concept of sharing: thoughts of sharing, actions of sharing, sharing with people we know, sharing with people we don’t know. And above all is the ultimate sharing: sharing with our Creator.”

 

Great quote. Yet it must be read carefully. The universe is not an H&M catalogue. We’re not giving for the sake of cash and prizes. Our own needs must not interfere. Some of us balk at this idea. How can one be truly and totally SELFLESS? In an effort to be selfless, we are seeking for the self alone yet again. We are not saints. Nobody among us will be able to maintain perfect adherence to this ancient wisdom: Love thy neighbor as thyself. But we cannot get discouraged. We have to act.

 

You lie in bed, eyes begin to soften, the lights are dim, the air, cool and dry. All electronics are shut off. Facebook and Twitter will always be there. You go within, a mantra ricochets in your mind perhaps, and after a moment you sense your body cooling and melting into the mattress. The mantra dissolves into a solemn request for help or an expression of gratitude…

 

“My Creator, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that You now remove from me all weakness of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to You and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do Your bidding.”

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Wishing you well, wishing you peace.

C

 

 

 

SOURCES OF INSPIRATION:

The Power of Kabbalah — Yehuda Berg, author

Alcoholics Anonymous — 4th Edition

[HerryTheHerp]

Not bad, Carlos. Not bad at all. Poignant words a lot of us need to hear, and a lot of us need to feel.

[WCSDancer2010]

for as long as you take on the victim role, you will have a tyrannous world to grieve about, to struggle against. You will take meds because sick people take meds, and for as long as You are afflicted, you won’t have to take responsibility for how you sabotaged your well-being.

 

AMEN brother ... H can either become the cause of all your unhappiness or the source of a healthier and more compassionate you ... YOU get to choose which path you take ;)