I'm not dead! I have a laptop now!

[childofstars]

Hey everyone, I've kind of fallen off of the face of the planet recently but I have a new laptop now! I'll be posting more now because of that. I guess the last few months I've been ignoring that I have herpes, if you know what I mean? Just some days you wake up just wanting to be like everyone else, but for myself personally I'm not like everyone else for other reasons as well. People living with herpes in particular are survivors of society's stigmas, which are a deadly force to reckon with, but we do this every single time we step out of our comfort zones to talk about what its like to have herpes. Some days I'm angry, I wonder why my life is the way it is, and even when I find positive answers like meeting my boyfriend and him having to build our trust and love around the fear of infecting him, and just using herpes as a bullshit blocker; I still cant help but remember that there is no fucking answer, and if there is an answer that I can comprehend I'm not meant to know it.

 

This all circles around a point I'm trying to make that I'm having difficulty articulating... I'm a 20 year old student who's a cashier at a diner, everyday I stand there at my register taking strangers orders wondering what their lives hold, what their battle is--or was,and what made them who they are. I then look at myself, and feel pathetic, after all I've been through in the last 5 years I still am afraid to tell my story, to let people know me. I feel like I live in fear of society in this taboo existence that makes me in constant fear of my peers and family knowing that I have disease that I struggle with and will have to live with forever. This realization leads me to this; what do I do? I want to do what a lot of you are doing. I want to find that bravery and just lie it all on the table. I want to talk to other people with herpes, and I want to educate other young people about the risks. I'm not ashamed of something that I cannot change about myself, I don't feel like it lessens me, and I don't feel like it's a terrible thing about me, but I'm so afraid of the torment I've previously experienced letting people know I have herpes. When I start being honest about who I am, and what I've been through in my short life's journey, and not holding back I'll fix this broken part of myself that is so damaged and scared. I shouldn't have to be afraid of my reality, and my reality is that whether I like it or not, and whether my peers like it or not is that I'm going to have herpes for the rest of my life, and there is nothing anyone can do about that. As I type this, I tear up, because it's scary being alone on this particular journey of myself.

 

There's a herpes support group meeting that I've been meaning to go to for months at my local Planned Parenthood, I'm gonna go to the next one. It's a good step to build my confidence. I'll keep you all updated, much love to you all! Missed talking!!!

[WCSDancer2010]

@childofstars

 

Welcome back! Great to have you chiming in again!

 

Yes... the PP meeting sounds like a great next step. Get yer toe out of the closet, as it were. You may want to talk to Adrial about writing a blog for him about being 20 with H. About your experience with your parents... whatever ... you will still be behind your name here but it would allow you to put something out there that might help another young person. Another possibility would be go to a local College and ask to do a talk for them, or print out the Handouts on here and put them in the college clinic...and maybe your Dr's office too.

 

There are all kinds of ways to help while you keep your anonymity and build yourself to the point where you are ok with coming out...and of course, be sure your BF is ok with his friends knowing your status (if he is that is a whole group whose minds might be altered knowing you can date a H+ person and be ok).

 

One step at a time friend. I'm here if you want coaching to get that closet door off it's hinges some day ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[childofstars]

I think the final step in my healing process will be just coming out and saying I have it, fearlessly. I want to be able to say when I hear a herpes joke or incorrect facts, that no, that's not funny, and I have herpes and I know... And I'm not ashamed of my skin condition. Maya Angelou said "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you" my stories and my life. Once I have a plan I'm going to message Adrial for advice on how to start. I also need to overcome other social fears such as being a bisexual woman, and come out of the closet (when I feel its time of course). You are such a kind and sweet woman to respond to my posts all the time, thank you so much for the advice and kind words.

[WCSDancer2010]

Have you read my story? I basically came screaming out of the closet ... I went from "comfortable telling a few friends" to "I don't give two shits who knows" almost overnight. And it's been very, VERY freeing.

 

Bisexual woman? You are every guys' dream...LOL. Really, I think the stigma of that is in your head too. My ex husband is bisexual. I knew from our second date. We were married 20 yrs... he chose me ... but eventually he needed to allow his "other side" to have more freedom and we divorced amicably.... and he came out about 6 months after the split (with my encouragement). Best thing he ever did for himself.... to be authentically who he is.

 

If you search "closet" on here you will find plenty of conversations about it ... and about coming out. That may be a good place for you to start.

 

Also, you know about the H(Opp) weekend? It may be a great thing for you to check out..... I'm going to be on staff so I'd love to meet you :)

 

http://herpesopportunity.com/index-032914.php