Dealing with rejection

[Whit_girl]

So I made the mistake of sleeping with a guy (wore protection and saw no sign of prodrome)whom I had been friends with for a year, and I fell for him. I hadn't disclosed that I had had been diagnosed with HSV 1 and had genital outbreaks. I told him once he decided he wanted to date seeing as sex would be imminent. He immediately stepped back and said it was too much for him and that he had to back out. I know I went about it the wrong way, but I didn't expect this from a sincere friend and don't know how to go about healing/dealing with this because he insists on remaining friends.

[VirusEnhanced]

Fear can make us humans do silly and regrettable things it's the side affect as fear can also save our lives. But in this case fear is making this man make a decision that I'm certain he isn't well educated about.

 

If he's under the age of 30 born post '85 he likely has already been exposed to HSV1. Either as a child growing up or his first sweet heart HSV1 is a very social virus. It's a good sign he wishes to remain friends. That shows he has some interest because if he was entirely appalled of your situation he would just "vanish" So he may come around and better yet if you help educate him a about the virus.

 

 

Hopefully he understands you made yourself completely vulnerable emotionally when you told him and that took a lot of respect and trust. Maybe he will find solace in the idea that at least you KNOW what is going on with you body and what you have. As opposed to the next girl/guy who has no idea or cares to know.

 

 

 

You're gonna be okay. I think this will not end here but if it does know that if a man or woman can't accept the character differences of a potential mate then what THEY are looking for is NOT what you're looking for.

 

 

 

 

Live long and prosper

 

 

Better yet bring him here and teach him something.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Whit_girl

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

So I'm known as the Forum Mom .. and part of the reason is that I'm known to dispense a little "Tough Love" at times ... and my dear, you are going to be a recipient of a little dose right now. It's nothing personal... just some hard facts that you need to hear, ok? :)

 

I assume when you "slept" with him you had sex. If so, well, I can totally understand his reaction because you broke Rule #1 of relationships which is the building of TRUST ... which starts with TRUTH and HONESTY. I'm guessing you got H from someone who didn't tell you their status (whether they knew they had it or not). Now, if a person didn't know they have H, that's one thing (tho it can still cause a lot of angst) but when it's obvious that you withheld that information, it can make the recipient feel that they have already been lied to before the relationship is even off the ground.

 

Also, like @Enhanced said, he likely is uneducated. So if you just came out and told him your status without "pre-educating and preparing" him then he likely is running scared. As Enhanced mentioned, 60% of young people have H1 orally by the time they are young adults, so there's a good chance he already has it. So given that you have that one, you might have led into the talk with "Hey, so, what do you know about cold sores?" and see if he knew *anything* about Herpes. If he said he actually has them, you might have followed on with "Well, I have the exact same virus, but I get it down there. Did you know you could pass it on through Oral Sex? . I didn't and that's how I got it. But seeing as you have it, then you would have the antibodies to it. And it sheds a lot less down there... so if I take anti-virals and we use condoms your risk would be very minimal. I can get you the information about it if you want.". And if he didn't have H at all then you could let him know he's likely been exposed to H1 many times already, and that because you know you have it, you could take measures to protect him from getting it.

 

As far as rejection goes, it's very normal to feel crappy about it... in fact, it's a survival tool from back when we had to group together for safety and survival. It's natures way of making sure you "stay in line" with the rules of the group so that chaos doesn't ensue. Herd/group animals will run any animal off that repeatedly causes stress in the group, and humans have taken it to another level and created all kinds of lovely ways to convince the group members to behave. Shunning in many societies is one example. So we are hard wired to do anything to stay "accepted" by a group or individual that we feel attached to. Here are some links to help you understand it more:

 

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

So - here's what I suggest. Ask to talk to him. Take responsibility for how you originally handled things and apologize for not telling him sooner. Restore your integrity with him first. That will help to re-establish trust. Then ask him if he really knows much about H. Have the handouts from here ready to give to him (link below) and tell him that most of what he knows may be incorrect or partially correct and that it would be a good thing for him to understand his risks (and the fact that he's likely never been tested) no matter what happens with your relationship in the future. Offer to help him get educated about H and maybe even do more research on ALL STD's (bet you are both not fully informed there either!) so you can both be safe in the future. And who knows, he may come around ...

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

One other thing.... I maintain that Herpes makes a great Wingman. For those of us in this game for awhile, we've learned to let it help us to slow down the beginning part of a relationship so that we both get to know the other *person* first before having sex. You see, it's all too easy to have sex, realize that the sex is good, and think that is the beginnings of love (thanks to Oxytocin) and then jump into a relationship with someone who we later thing "What the hell was I SMOKIN???" ... not that they may be a bad person but they may just not be the *right* person for you at all ;) . So if you had had the conversation pre-hook-up, it likely wouldn't have hurt as bad... but also, if you had held off for sex, and he really got to like YOU a lot, he may have chosen to get educated before making a decision to move on....and chances are better he would have stayed.

 

http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

When you get down to it though, H is just another deal breaker for some. Just as he may have chosen to discontinue the relationship if you revealed you had a kid, that you were a recovering addict (even if you were clean for a number of years), or that you had some sort of harmless *quirk* about you that he just couldn't live with (messy, you snore, don't shave, whatever). So in the end you have to honor his choice. Odds are, as the saying goes, he "just wasn't that into you anyway", in which case, maybe it's a blessing in disguise. ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

[Whit_girl]

@virusenhanced thank you for your kind words and support, it helps to see a males perspective.

 

@wcsdancer2010 yes is know I broke the cardinal rule and take full responsibility for and understand that most likely has a lot to do with how the situation ended up playing out. I didn't know about this site or the support from others I could find, or even how to disclose to him, he was my first. I really wish I would have found this site sooner rather than later. Thank you for all your support and advice mama bear!

[WCSDancer2010]

Well, I wouldnt give up hope just yet. I would get him some info ... help him get educated. He may still come around ;)

 

(((HUGS)))