Need some quick advice: The herpes talk via email or face to face?

[KLB]

I have already posted a few times how I am seeing someone. We work together but live in different states. We have a work trip coming up tomorrow and plan to sleep together for the first time.

 

I haven't disclosed yet. :( I know....I should have done it a long time ago but the time is here and I'm starting to panic. To be honest, until I found this site and started doing more research on H, I didn't realize it could be contagious despite meds. I have been with the same H+ person for 18 years and have taken suppressive therapy for nearly 10 so it's not been something I've had to think about a whole lot.

 

So what I need advice with is should I email him today or tell him to his face tomorrow? Calling or doing it via FaceTime today is not an option.

[WCSDancer2010]

@KLB

 

First - BREATHE! I know that it's scary but you will come through this just fine.

 

I personally would tell him face to face. Unfortunately doing it on a business trip isn't the ideal time to do it in case it gets awkward, but in my experience, disclosing face to face allows you both to see the reactions of the other and to respond to them. It's waaay too easy for someone to just run with an email because they don't have to deal with seeing your vulnerability.

 

One thing... DON'T wait until you are both naked and about to do the deed. Tell him you need to go for a walk and talk with him first.... get him away from the bedroom setting and to a place where you can be alone that isn't bringing any kind of sexual tension into the mix.... because many will act first and freak out later which usually ends badly. Much better if they need time to think rationally and do some research if necessary (make sure you have the handouts and tell him to stay the hell off Google). Offer to go to the room and show him this site and the CDC website and other trusted resources. Make it clear you have *his* health and interests at heart first and foremost. And explain that you recently learned new information that you didn't know before about the meds/risks so you have been getting up to date yourself so that you know what to do to protect him.

 

You may decide as a couple to slow the sex thing down while he adjusts to the new info ... and that would be a good thing. Trust me, I've seen the post-first-coital-just-realized-what-he-did-freak-out firsthand and it's NOT pretty ... took a month of talking and his Doctor telling him he was totally overreacting and calming him down to get to a place where we could continue the relationship (which lasted 3 yrs and he was fine after maybe a month of being "twitchy" .... LOL ).

 

(((HUGS))) - We'll be rooting for you over here! Good luck :)