Breaking up is hard to do when it's your own fault

[kaybee]

Hi everyone

 

I'm in a bit of a mess of my own doing and not sure who else I can openly discuss this with... I contracted hsv2 a little over a year ago after being raped. My boyfriend and I had been doing long distance and having a turbulent time. We were extremely on and off. After the incident, I told him my symptoms and diagnosis but I did not tell him that I had been raped. I was unable to fully accept what had happened to me, I couldn't admit it to myself let alone to someone else. We ended up having sex a month after my diagnosis (he was fully aware of the risks) and I passed it to him... It was probably too close to my first ob/I didn't know my own symptoms (I was not aware I was having an ob and didn't know anything about suppressive therapy or asymptotic shedding). Regardless, it was really hard for him to accept and he refused to discuss it or read anything for help despite me begging him. I didn't want him to see herpes as a dirty thing and wanted him to love himself completely.

 

After his diagnoses and his struggle with coping I was very frustrated and on edge. It's not fun for someone to constantly say how disgusting herpes is when you both have it and you're trying to focus on acceptance. His refusal to accept it was a huge strain on our relationship. I tried printing and giving him literature and nothing worked, he refused to discuss it without shutting down or getting extremely angry at me. A few months later he broke up with me because he didn't like that I wouldn't talk about how I contacted hsv and I drunkenly (I know that's so cowardly and wrong) admitted to being raped and explained that i was just unable to accept it and I felt like it had been my fault. I wasn't sure how to tell him because our relationship was already so unstable, I just wanted us to be happy.

 

After a bit of time we were able to work through things and make up, he forgave me and I felt like he understood. He was slowly a little more able to discuss having hsv and seemed to grasp that life wasn't over. He still occasionally (usually due to a joke or media reference) got extremely sad and wouldn't talk to me, but I felt like it was my job to stay patient. About a year after getting back together (today) he broke up with me. He says that he can't stop feeling like I'm lying too him. I don't think he believes I was raped and says he constant fear that I'm cheating on him. He also doesn't see me as pure or good enough because I slept with someone else (despite being raped).

 

I'm so depressed and I know this breakup is my fault. I should have been honest with him from the beginning. Now I've lost not only someone I've been with for years but someone who accepted my diagnosis and gave me a chance (even though I failed to protect him). I feel like a horrible person for hurting him and putting him through this, he didn't deserve any of it and I would do anything to go back in time and have not slept with him after getting diagnosed. I'm just so lost and confused and don't want to be thrown back into the dating pool (college is not a fun place to find a relationship these days and casual sex is out of the question..) even tho I know that's far into the future because I can't imagine being with anyone else.

 

Breaking up is hard to do but it's even worse when it's your own fault. Thanks for reading, I really needed to vent in a safe place...

[Angelina]

First of all, I'm sorry to hear that you were raped.

 

As for your boyfriend, you didn't know the risks yet. Maybe your doctor should have given you better information. Don't beat yourself up. My doctor didn't tell me a whole lot. I was just given a pamphlet that said to take warm baths when having an outbreak.

 

Your boyfriend is probably in denial about having h. He's probably having all sorts of confusing feelings right now. Just try to be understanding. This isn't easy for anyone. Maybe in time he'll realize that you never lied. Just give him time and let him process this.

[WCSDancer2010]

Hi Kaybee...

 

So first - sorry that things are not working with your BF - but from everything you are saying here, this relationship was not working to start with, it sounds like there is a huge issue with communication (he sounds like he had difficulty discussing his feelings and such, which is VERY hard to live with) ... and I wonder if you actually lasted LONGER because you were both afraid to move on with H. So while I know it sucks and you will have to go through all the feelings and such that go with break-ups, know that if it wasn't Herpes, likely something else would have eventually ended it. If a relationship is that much hard work, odds are you are just not a good match for each other :(

 

And please don't beat yourself up - as Angelina said, you were not properly educated by the Doctors and you didn't know the risks..... it's sadly a very common issue that we are working on changing ... too many Dr's are not even properly informed themselves ... so they don't educate the patients properly....

 

He also doesn't see me as pure or good enough because I slept with someone else (despite being raped).

 

That says a LOT about him, my friend. If he can't be compassionate around you being rapes, and turns it onto you and demeans you in any way around that, he's not someone you need to be with my friend. That kind of will always be toxic for you and you won't be able to move on from the rape, never mind having herpes.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. I think that in a few months, with hindsight, you may look at this whole thing a LOT differently.... for now, take care of yourself, go out with friends you trust to look after you, and let the emotions work their way through your system.

 

((HUGS)))