I feel alone and depressed

[ihavehope]

So, I'm new to the forum, but recently I've been facing a lot of conflicting feelings.

 

My husband, at the time fiancee, was diagnosed with HSV 2 last July. We'd been dating over a year at the time. I knew he hadn't cheated on me, and I knew I loved him. I was pretty educated on Herpes, and for me, it wasn't a deal breaker. I got tested of course. They did a blood test and everything came back normal. Negative. We weren't having sex at the time due to complications from my pituitary tumor and low sex drive. So I knew that from July to October I couldn't have contracted Herpes. We we're not having sex. Low and behold, I got a cut-like lesion right above my Vagina in October. I have had many ingrown hairs, but I knew this was different. I went to the same doctor, devastated, and confused. The test was negative to begin with. He ran another blood test, and it was still negative. He took a sample, and it came back positive. I felt like my life was over.

 

I admire my husband. He owns it. He acts like it's no big thing, and I hope one day I can come to terms with it. I'm married, so dating isn't an issue. I just hate myself for letting this happen. I can accept others for their flaws, but I feel like people will not return the favor. I listen to people casually joke about it. It hurts. I feel gross. I feel like my life is practically over, and sometimes I just cry. I even get angry at my husband as my mind races through the what ifs. What if he knew he had it? That's my greatest fear. I even sometimes fear once I graduate college and become a teacher, no one will want to hire me. They'll find out somehow.

 

3 people in my life know. My husband, mom, and my best friend. I'm always afraid they'll accidentally or purposely mention it to others. Then what? Everyone will know. I'm constantly scared, and I've had 6 outbreaks already. They're usually minor, but it just reminds me how I am unlovable and cursed with this. I try to have hope, but I get so low. It effects my every day life.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. Please help.

[Ral515]

Hey there. My story is nothing like yours, but we both suffer with the same diagnosis. I feel like your secret is safe with the people you told. You told them for a reason. If you would have thought other wise, you wouldn't have told your mother or best friend. Those are the two people that know for me as well (beside my ex, who I may have received it from. He did tell his family that I did have H. His parents accepted me, his brothers didn't. But fuck them. Excuse my language). I do have other amazing friends, but I just choose not to tell them. I know they can keep my secret, but the less, the better in my opinion.

 

As far as you being a teacher and people not wanting to hire you, I could understand that a little. I'm actually a RN. At one time, I felt like I would frowned upon if anyone found out because I'm suppose to teach people how to prevent this. I decided to embrace what it done. I can't don't anything about it. I know one day I will want up and realize the reason why God blessed me with this curse.

 

Keep your head up. Some days will be hard, but try remember all your blessings.

[ihavehope]

I'm sorry you have to face this as well. Its very difficult.

I know my loved ones won't tell anyone. I still can't help to wonder what would happen in case of a falling out. I would think that a decent human being would not use something so personal and hurtful as a weapon, but sometimes I have to question the possibility, because in the moment anger, people aren't always decent human beings. I sometimes regret telling anyone, but if I keep it bundled, I get out of control with the constant depression. Its almost like, who cares if people know as long as I can spit it out and open up to those feelings. In general, I have always been happy, minus the period of time between 13-16 where I had Anorexia Nervosa. I get so down that sometimes I catch myself eating as few as 600-800 calories a day. That's a time I don't want to revisit. With teaching, I don't know if they could legally not hire me DUE to herpes, but I don't know how I would be viewed. I hear educated adults discuss how people can get Herpes by sitting on a toilet seat after someone, or sitting in a hot tub. Though that's not true, I'm afraid people will be afraid of me being around children.

[Ral515]

I feel like I just got out of the depression phase. My father and I (he is unaware of the H and I plan on fully keeping it like that) had a heart to heart a few days after my 24th birthday (May 15, 2014). My dad just believe that i had been down in the dumps due to my ex and I finally calling quits to whatever we were. I live in Louisiana and the traveling Vietnam Memorial Wall was in town. Him and I were driving to go see it. I knew it was going to be hard for him. His younger brother and friends died in the war so we were going to see their names. As we were driving over there, he said "You know it's crazy how a certain day can seem like it is worse day in your life, then later it turns out to be the best day ever. You know May 15th used to be the worse day in world for me. My brother died that day in Vietnam. Then God blessed me with you on the same day. I dreaded that day every year, then you were born. God works in mysterious ways". Since that day, my eyes have been open more. My days have been getting brighter. The tears have stopped flowing. My smile has come back. I'm not saying every day is a good day, but I'm so close to my old self.

 

I don't think they can legally not hire you. The same would go for me. Try taking some deep breaths and just living day by day for right now. Continue doing what you have to do so you can be a teacher. You are going to be a blessing to so many kids! One day, you may have the opportunity to teach a child who has special needs or a medical diagnosis that other people are cruel to. You will be able to be there for that lovely child. That child may not have the same diagnosis as you but you understand how it feels to be in his or her shoes. I promise you a blessing will come from this.

[Ral515]

Please try to continue to he healthy as well! I was on what I called a "depression diet". I didn't eat for days. I would take a few bites of food in front of my dad so he didn't say anything. I have a few extra pounds on me and love my curves, but I've been trying to exercise or ride my bike some.

[ihavehope]

Thank you so much for your advice :)

[Ral515]

Welcome! I'm always here is you need to message me.

[ihavehope]

Alright I will do that. :)

[WCSDancer2010]

@ihavehope

 

First - Hello and Welcome friend.

 

I'm sorry you are suffering so much with your diagnosis. As a 35 yr veteran of H, I can tell you that it's ALL in your head. All your concern and worry is unfounded as far as working as a teacher and such.

 

I can promise you, that 15% of the teachers in every school will have genital herpes. Some of them may not know it, but the statistics stand for every walk of life and every profession. 80% of them will have Oral herpes .... which is much more obvious on those who have OB's. Simply put, there is no way they could refuse to hire you (or fire you) because of H. It is not a notifiable disease for one. And second, you can ONLY spread Genital Herpes through skin-to-skin contact in the area of your OB's.... and no kid is going to get near that area, so there is no danger whatsoever to the children. So PLEASE put that fear out of your mind right now.

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3546/watch-this-now-the-prison-of-your-mind-

 

As an FYI, I'm a Massage Therapist, I have BOTH kinds (oral and genital) and most of my clients know it (I'm totally out about my status and I offer coaching for H+ patients in my office) and I have only had 1 who chose to discontinue seeing me out of the dozens who are currently on my client list.

 

So tell me something. Why does H make YOU gross, unlovable and cursed (your words) yet you fell in love with a man who you KNEW was H+ and you don't see HIM that way? Can you see the madness of your thinking? You accepted your hubby with his H status, and believe it or not, *most* people will accept you too. I've been collecting "Success Stories" of people on here who have found love/relationships with H- people ... and I can tell you that the Success Stories outnumber the "Runners" about 4 or 5:1. You see, the majority of the Stigma is in YOUR head. Those who love and respect you will accept you no matter what. A few *might* feel awkward at first, but that is likely because of their ignorance ... and it's up to YOU to educate anyone you may tell if they are ignorant to the facts. There are tons of great resources here that you can show them (I'll list a couple below) to help them.

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

You say you want to be a teacher. Well, maybe one of the reasons you got H is to help to educate others. Who knows? I have found myself in a place where I am helping others (both H+ and H-) to get educated now..... as I said, I'm totally out (you may want to read my blog about it.... the reaction from others to my coming out even surprised ME, and I was confident with it ;) ) and I have had a 99% positive experience with it (the one client and one other person were the only 2 to have issue with it).

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1754/im-out-of-the-herpes-closet

 

I can accept others for their flaws, but I feel like people will not return the favor.

 

Herpes is a great wingman ... anyone who is a TRUE friend will still love you with H ... and you may be surprised to learn how many of them may have it, or who know someone who has it. With 1:5 having genital herpes and 4:5 having Oral Herpes, many of your friends will have at least some idea about it.

 

http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man/

 

And those who joke about it? Well, for one, people joke about pretty much EVERYTHING at some point or other... so why take it personally when you see/hear a Herpes joke? IT'S JUST A JOKE!!!

 

I even get angry at my husband as my mind races through the what ifs. What if he knew he had it?

 

You gotta let go of this one honey. Even if he knew he had it, he was diagnosed before you got married. You got tested, came back H-, and ACCEPTED HIM and his status. However, you have to understand that he likely didn't know .. 80% of the population doesn't know they have H. So as the song says .... "LET IT GO" ;)

 

You will be fine. Read as much as you can on here and rant when you need to. This is a great place to learn to accept having H and learn how to grow from the experience...

 

(((HUGS)))