Rejecting someone b/c they have herpes: not okay as far as I'm concerned

[moonrise]

It's funny that there is a "Herpes talk success stories" category, but not a "Herpes talk failure stories" category! Anyway, thank you again for welcoming me into this community. For part one of my story, which is backstory and one successful disclosure, I think you can click here.

 

So after my diagnosis and one subsequent, semi-short lived relationship, a couple months went by, and I re-entered the dating world, which, to me as a somewhat shy homebody, means the online dating world. I met a very smart, interesting, and attractive fellow and we enjoyed a typical first date together a couple of weeks ago. After dinner, he asked me if I wanted to go back to his place, which was close by. Now, I haven't been on a lot of first dates, so I don't have much of a template for this. I have, in fact, invited a guy back to my place on a first date (the guy who gave me H, in fact), but since it was my place I was in control and we truly just watched a movie. I don't even recall touching him. Then he left. So, I thought it might be like that... ???

 

But, it wasn't. After perusing his bookshelf and deciding that there was enough there to continue seeing him, he asked me if he could kiss me (NOT romantic, btw, who does that). He began kissing me fairly aggressively, and as soon as I was able to come up for air, I said that I had to leave. We live in a city, it was 11 at night, and I had to take a bus back to my apartment. Meanwhile, though he has a car, he did not offer to take me home. That kind of bothered me, but now I'm glad that he has no idea where I live.

 

We arranged to see each other the following weekend, and we enjoyed another good meal and good conversation together. This time, he invited me back to his place to watch a movie. I felt safer with the idea of a movie being involved, as it would be a non-sexual activity that we could do together and I could leave after. I had no intention of disclosing at this point, as I still hardly knew him and didn't feel that emotionally safe. The movie was fine, and I even felt okay kissing him afterward. But at some point I realized that greater physical intimacy, and probably sex, was imminent. I was motivated to continue, to not call "time" and leave again, by fear that he wouldn't want to see me anymore if I didn't "put out" (what is this, high school??). Then it became less an issue of disclosure and more an issue of whether I felt okay having sex with someone on a second date, which I'd never done. It happened. I insisted on condom use even though I sensed that he wouldn't have minded not using one. I honestly felt like not only did he not know my status, but I didn't know his, and so I didn't feel as if this was a terrible, horrible moral misstep.

 

The sex was nothing short of incredible, to be honest. Although I am by nature somewhat of a prude (Catholic upbringing), afterward I felt very motivated to pursue the relationship for many reasons, and the possibility of continued great sex being among them. Bolstered by my past success in disclosing, I didn't think The Talk would be a problem, though I knew that having had sex before having The Talk was problematic. I felt we were both to blame for it, perhaps mostly because I felt he’d pressured me into doing things I didn’t really want or need to do right away (whatever, grow up, take some responsibility for yourself… I know, trust me, I see that).

 

Mid-week the next week, I went to his place again on a “booty call” of sorts, as I think the kids call it these days. I felt comfortable disclosing at this point, and couldn’t in good conscience sleep with him again without doing so. So I did. And it didn’t go well. It could have gone worse, but it didn’t go well. I asked if he wanted me to leave, and he offered to drive me home. That’s when I began to cry. That was not the right answer. I said no, I’d take myself home. My phone was dead. An hour and a half later, when I got home and got some juice in my phone, the only texts I’d missed were “when was your last outbreak” and “do you have oral herpes at all.”

 

I decided not to take this laying down, and wrote a long email with three main points: 1) that I was sorry for what I’d done, 2) that I liked him and wanted to get to know him better, and 3) a distillation of information about herpes.

 

In the end, he said he couldn’t be romantically involved with someone who has an “incurable STD” (those were, in fact, my own poorly chosen words at the time of disclosure. While they may be true, I think they are over emotional and almost inflammatory). I felt angry, because I know that I have many wonderful traits that far outweigh the negative of the small risk of contracting a nuisance skin disease. It was my own fault for forcing myself to disclose before he saw that. (While it feels manipulative to wait until they’re hooked, what other choice to we have? I do not know.)

 

Surprisingly, the fact that I hadn’t told him prior to our having sex was not the deal breaker. It was the simple fact that I have herpes. He didn’t want to “play Russian roulette” with his “health.” I wanted to say, dude, you do that every day when you get in the blanking car and drive to work! It’s the stigma. That’s all it is. And it really pisses me off.

 

I’m actually quite sad about it. I’m sad that there are people, lots of them, probably, who would take the chance of NOT getting to know a person who could be THE best person for them in the entire world, because that person has a skin disease. I didn’t do that, and while I am not proud of neglecting myself and failing to take proper precautions, I am proud that I gave my ex a chance. I know that I should “respect his decision” (I even said as much in my reply), but I really… I don’t. I don’t respect it. I think he’s wrong. And that’s that.

 

In addition to that, I wrote to him in response to his offer to be friends (but not lovers), something along the lines of "I get that you're not trying to say that there's something wrong with me, that you're not rejecting me, per say, but really, I think that at the end of the day you are." And I think they are. You may say it's no different than rejecting someone because they smoke or they have children. Fine, but you still ARE rejecting that person. And it's not a perfect analogy. Having herpes is not the same as smoking or having children; both of which are, as far as I'm concerned, much more along the lines of personal choice.

 

So I'm in the process of recovering from this. If you have any insights that you think would be helpful, I'd be very grateful for them. I can see how there is a learning curve to this disclosure thing, and I bet it's pretty steep. I can't see myself effing up this big again anytime soon. However, I'm afraid that there may be a lot of people like this in the world, and I may be rejected many times because of this. I get the wingman thing, I really dig that, I do... but, rejection still smarts.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@moonrise

 

Hello again :)

 

First of all, rejection sucks for ANY reason. We are hard wired to do what we can to not be rejected (it goes back to when we HAD to live in groups for protection.) You may want to read this link to understand it better (I found that once I *got* this, rejection didn't smart nearly as much )

 

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

Second of all, Herpes DID act as a Wingman for you. From what you wrote, I can tell you the guy wasn't looking for a relationship. He was looking for sex. He may *say* he's looking for a relationship, but he was more interested in your body than your mind on that first and second date. Or as I tell people "He wasn't that into you...he wanted to GET into you" :(

 

One of the themes we see a lot on here is that when we allow Herpes to give us the "excuse" to take things slow, we tend to find ourselves in healthier, more loving relationships. We end up with partners who DO was us because they see the wonderful, amazing people that we are.... and who will take the risk to be with us because we are worth it to them. I'm going to post three "Success Stories" that will help you to see that for yourself:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said-thisisgoingtobeok

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night NSgreenville (male) (READ TO THE END!!)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3736/disclosed-to-the-guy-i-like-on-the-first-meeting Helzbelz88

 

BTW, you may note that timing isn't set in stone ... some tell on the first date, others much later. You have to do what feels right for you ;)

 

And regarding "Failure Stories" - we DO get them - but I'd guess that there are about 4 or 5 Successful stories for every unsuccessful one...

 

So, gonna give you a little dose of "Tough Love" my friend. Nothing personal. Just speaking it how I see it ;)

 

I honestly felt like not only did he not know my status, but I didn't know his, and so I didn't feel as if this was a terrible, horrible moral misstep.

 

Lets just say it was an error of judgement. For one thing, if YOU were looking for a relationship, you were starting out with a lapse in honesty, and that usually doesn't end well. Second of all, YOU were given choice in the matter by your ex ... and while you ended up getting it, you said yourself that you realize you allowed yourself to be pressured into not using a condom when it sounds like things were not working out. But fact of the matter is, you were given the choice. Most people on here were not given the choice, and they will all tell you, it's a really sucky feeling that they wouldn't want to put anyone else through.

 

I felt angry, because I know that I have many wonderful traits that far outweigh the negative of the small risk of contracting a nuisance skin disease. It was my own fault for forcing myself to disclose before he saw that. (While it feels manipulative to wait until they’re hooked, what other choice to we have? I do not know.)

 

No, you did the right thing, and he showed his true colors my friend. I know you can't see that right now, but stick around .... as I said before , we have had people disclose on the first date, and after many dates but before sex.... IMO, when your partner is willing to wait and not have sex, it says a LOT about how much they like you from day one.

 

Surprisingly, the fact that I hadn’t told him prior to our having sex was not the deal breaker. It was the simple fact that I have herpes. He didn’t want to “play Russian roulette” with his “health.”

 

Honey - he IS playing Russian Roulette with his health - he's just in denial. Anyone who has sex on the first/second date, especially if they don't ask about your STD status (which they are then taking your word about) is playing STD Roulette. Never mind that you mentioned that he likely would have happily gone condom-less if you had not insisted on one. So it's likely a matter of time before he gets something :/

 

From all you wrote, I would say you may want to take a little time to work on you. I know you are in Therapy ... and I would actually talk to your therapist about all this ...but I see a pattern in your writing that you are allowing yourself to be pressured into doing things that you might not particularly want to do, in order to not be "rejected" (going without the condom and not persisting in asking for the ex BF to take antivirals, then having sex with the last guy even though you had only planned on the movie, etc). Take it from someone who has done plenty of that herself ... until you love yourself enough to stand for what is right for you, odds are you will continue to date the same kind of guys you have up until now .... and there's a reason they didn't work out.... once you are confident enough to set your boundaries and stick to them, you may find that Mr Right walks into the picture... and stays ;)

 

(((HUGS)))