moonrise

Great story :)

Thank you! I hope I get to meet that other girl, too, so I can thank her for being so chill and open :)

Guys! I did it! And it was FINE! I was so nervous leading up to it, because this guy is way awesome and I didn't want to lose the chance to continue seeing him. I have disclosed twice in the past, but was never anywhere near this nervous, because I didn't feel I had as much to lose. I practiced my spiel several times in the mirror for over a week, and even recorded myself giving it. I wanted to be comfortable with the words. I didn't want to cry; I wanted to show that it wasn't a big deal, and, in the event that it went south, maintain my composure and dignity. We spent the evening walking around the city, just talking and people-watching. Around 11pm we picked up some Indian food, took it back to my place, and put on a movie, but we didn't finish it before deciding to turn in. (We met about two weeks ago, but have seen each other almost every other day since then, and this was the second time he stayed over at my place.) I grabbed my iPad, which was ready to go with the disclosure handout. We cuddled for a few minutes on my bed, just chatting. He said he could hear my heart and it was racing. Finally I said, "Hey, I want to show you something," and sat up. I launched into my speech, and was shocked by how much more difficult it was with him than it was in the mirror, and by how serious I sounded. I said quickly and without much inflection, "I really like you, and respect you, and feel very comfortable with you, so I want to share something important with you," and felt as if either he already knew what I was going to say, or that I was going to say I was an axe murderer. But I continued with, "I have genital herpes. I've had it for a little over a year, so I know a lot about it, and I want to share some information about it with you. But I am curious about what you may already know or think about it." I still can't believe what happened next. He said, "Actually, I know a bit about it. A friend of mine has it; she got it from her boyfriend who didn't know he had it. She says it's not a big deal at all." Guys, this is a person whose friends tell him about their herpes! Total keeper, right!?!? And I was like... "Yes! That's right! It's really not a big deal!" And he said, "You can only pass it when you're having an outbreak, right?" and I said, "No, that's not correct," and showed him the handout. He read it and I explained some details. Eventually he just said, "It's okay," and I asked, "It's not a deal breaker?" and he said of course not. I said I was sorry that I had it. He told me not to be silly, that there was nothing to be ashamed of. He mentioned that it must be hard to have to have this talk, and I told him it was, but only because it's hard to feel out of control, and that it's good practice because we're never really in control of other people's thoughts or feelings. And that, besides, it helps me separate the men from the boys (i.e., "wingman"). He said he loved that idea. And that was it! We just went on to talk about something else, and cuddle, and fall asleep. I can't thank you guys enough for your support. I really think that this was only possible because you helped me get to a place where *I* felt okay about having herpes. That was, for sure, the biggest hurdle of all.

How do we know that 80% (or something like that) of people with herpes don't know that they have it? I mean, if they don't know... then how do researchers? How do we? I feel like I should know this, but alas, I can't figure it out. Hope someone can enlighten me! :)

Yes I was thinking of toning the first part down a bit ;) I have HSV-2, I've had it long before I met him, and I will have the handouts ready on my iPad. Thank you!

Also, this guy calculates risk for a living. Do you think that will work in my favor?? ;)

Hi! I don't see anyone who has posted recently who is from the Baltimore/DC area. If there's anyone out there who'd like to be buddies, please message me. I am 28F, and have had HSV-2 genitally for just over a year. M/F, whatever, doesn't matter. Also, if not from my area, that's okay, too. Just thought I'd throw it out there.

Hi guys! I recently met an AMAZING, amazing guy. I really, REALLY, do not want to mess this up. I even came out to my therapist about it (about herpes), which I've had for just over a year and never told her about, because I'm so stressed about losing this one. He is really great, unlike anyone I've dated in ages (actually, in about 10 years, since my college boyfriend and first love). I could go on, but I won't. I will cut to the chase, which is, would you please read my little disclosure speech, and offer me your feedback? Anything I should add, or take out? The part with me speaking takes about 2 minutes. I am guessing the conversation will be about 4-5 minutes. Also, FWIW, this is my third disclosure. The first was "successful" in that I just blurted it out and cried, but he accepted it, and the second (fairly recent) was after we'd slept together once, and was a failure (but a failure I'm glad for, because I went on to meet this new guy). I've taken a lot from what I've learned here, and I hope that shines through. Also, I've known this guy for a little over one week. We've met up three times, once for a formal date, once for an activity date, and once for dinner and a movie at my place. He's not at all aggressive, which I'm super thankful for, but I do want this to move forward--not as much for the sex as for the freedom to invest myself emotionally. I'm thinking of disclosing not at our next meeting, but maybe the one after that (probably next weekend). Thanks so much! --- I imagine we are in my apartment (a place where I feel comfortable and safe). Ideally we just finished playing a game, like Bananagrams or that new Chronology game I bought. That would make diving into a random conversation more natural than say, after a movie or even after dinner… I think, for some reason. Whatever, that’s how I want this to go. So, how long have you been doing the online dating thing? He answers, and probably asks, and you? A couple of years, I guess. I think it’s a great way to meet people that you wouldn’t otherwise meet, and I’ve met some decent folks through it. And while I think dating is fun, in general, you know, meeting new and often interesting people, going new places and whatnot, I think the process has left me a little jaded, to be honest. But, you know, I kept at it because, what else are you going to do? Just do your best, and hope for the best. To tell you the truth, the moment I met you, when you sat down across from me at dinner, it felt different than any other meeting. I don’t believe in anything supernatural, yet I can’t fully explain the feeling I had meeting you. All during dinner I felt enveloped in a sense of awe. I hardly slept that night, thinking about it. I thought to myself, I just went out with the most wonderful person I’d ever met—and I was going to say “online,” but I realized I didn’t even need to. I mean, I guess we did meet “online,” but it doesn’t feel that way at all; I feel like I could have met you anywhere. Like if I’d seen you on the bus, or walking down the street, I would have found a reason to talk to you. I feel like you fit into my life perfectly naturally. Maybe he’ll want to say something at this point. Maybe he’s like, “OMG, me too!” or maybe he’s freaking out, and wants to tell me he’s “keeping his options open at this point” or something like that. IF he says, “OMG, me too!” I will launch into the herpes talk. IF he says he is “keeping his options open,” I will smile and say, “That’s fine. I just wanted you to know how I felt. I don’t like playing it cool, when I don’t really feel cool, that’s all” and will save the herpes talk for another day, if/when that day comes. Assume he says, “OMG, me too!” and commence herpes talk: So you know that I really like you and respect you, and you mean enough to me that I want to share something important with you, and that is that I have genital herpes. I got it a little over a year ago. I know a lot about it, and want to share some of that information with you, but first I want to know what you think and how you feel about it, and what you already know about it. Opportunity for him to talk. Obviously, the rest of the conversation depends heavily on this. If he takes it well, then great, my job will be fairly easy. Maybe offer some statistics, show him the handout on my iPad, etc. If he’s confused/freaked out, it will be more difficult. If he is freaked out, I think that all I can do is answer his questions and reassure him that it’s not a terrible problem (“it’s a nuisance skin condition”), that the chance that he will get it from me is fairly low, and that it’s very common. If he is still freaked out and says he can’t date me anymore, I’ll probably cry and ask him to leave. If he is still freaked out and says he has to think on it, I will guide him away from Google Images, and ask him to ask me his questions. I will keep in mind that, if he walks, he wasn’t the one for me. The one for me will want to be with me, even in the face of the risk of contracting a nuisance (albeit stigmatizing) skin condition. --- And, cut. Please let me know what you think.

Hi Tangerine, I feel like I should share my experience, having just gone through (pretty much) the exact same thing. While Dancer is right, "he may even have it too and not know about asymptomatic shedding and such. But YOU know, and you know what you need to do," when I was in your shoes I was feeling that, not only did he not know my status, but I didn't know his. I felt like I was taking an equal risk and so couldn't/shouldn't be blamed as harshly as say, if I had been asked and just lied about it. (Which may be true, but it's still not a strong argument.) I also felt pressured to do things with him that I didn't want to do right then, and so disclosing really was among the lesser of my worries at the time. In cases like this, I think that responsibility for the fact that disclosure didn't happen when it should have is shared. I'm not saying I wasn't, and that you, also, aren't, to blame, but that we are not the only ones to blame. I did disclose, the next time I saw him, and he decided that continuing to see me wasn't worth the small (but non-zero) risk of contracting a nuisance skin condition. (I didn't educate him well enough, or, the stigma of an "incurable STD" was just too strong to overcome). He said that while he was a little unhappy that I hadn't disclosed earlier (this was only date #2, though), that wasn't the reason he didn't want to see me, it was the H. It is what it is. I hope that you've found yourself with someone more openminded/understanding than I did. Otherwise, you'll move on and hopefully not make the same mistake again.

Thanks for sharing your story, Gabby. You seem very wise and I appreciate your message.

That seems to mirror my experience of taking acyclovir for the past year for HSV-2 (genitally). On occasion I feel like something's going on down there, but no visible signs, and it tends to clear up within a day or two.

Hello. Yes, there's a chance that if a person has oral herpes (aka cold sores) they can pass it to a partner through oral sex (or just saliva, I guess), at which point it magically becomes genital herpes. Oral herpes is usually HSV-1 (genital herpes was traditionally HSV-2, but a lot of people have HSV-1 genitally), which typically doesn't "like" existing as genital herpes and is, reportedly, less virulent and maybe less contagious. Hopefully you don't have it, or anything else; everyone's different, but when had my first outbreak, I definitely had sores. I'm sorry you are stressing, but I think you'll find a lot of reassurance on this website. It really will be okay, whether you have herpes or not.

Hello, I'm not a guy, and not the queen of successful disclosure stories, but I this seems fairly straightforward to me. It sounds like you have the time and opportunity to disclose, so I would. I think you do have a responsibility to do so, since you know something is going on. It may or may not be contagious, and you can say that. I would say something like, "Look, I really like you and think you're totally fine. I just want you to know, in case anything happens between us, that I might have an STD. I'm not sure what it is yet, or if it's an STD at all, but I needed to tell you because there may be a small chance that you could contract it if we have sex." You might want to throw in "It's not currently bothering me/not currently active" because I'm not sure I'd want to get it on with someone who was on fire down there. If he is a reasonable person, I would think that disclosing like this would reduce the odds of him running around the office telling people that you have something, where as if you didn't disclose, and he got whatever you have, he might be more likely to. Disclosing would increase his respect for you. But it sounds like you are more afraid of telling him about it and having him reject you outright and then going on to tell other people in the office about it. I'd take that as a sign that he might not be worth the risk. Personally, I wouldn't want to get involved with someone I didn't feel I could trust in such a basic way. I don't like letting herpes dictate my life, but I think this might be a sign of bad character that has nothing to do with herpes.

It's funny that there is a "Herpes talk success stories" category, but not a "Herpes talk failure stories" category! Anyway, thank you again for welcoming me into this community. For part one of my story, which is backstory and one successful disclosure, I think you can click here. So after my diagnosis and one subsequent, semi-short lived relationship, a couple months went by, and I re-entered the dating world, which, to me as a somewhat shy homebody, means the online dating world. I met a very smart, interesting, and attractive fellow and we enjoyed a typical first date together a couple of weeks ago. After dinner, he asked me if I wanted to go back to his place, which was close by. Now, I haven't been on a lot of first dates, so I don't have much of a template for this. I have, in fact, invited a guy back to my place on a first date (the guy who gave me H, in fact), but since it was my place I was in control and we truly just watched a movie. I don't even recall touching him. Then he left. So, I thought it might be like that... ??? But, it wasn't. After perusing his bookshelf and deciding that there was enough there to continue seeing him, he asked me if he could kiss me (NOT romantic, btw, who does that). He began kissing me fairly aggressively, and as soon as I was able to come up for air, I said that I had to leave. We live in a city, it was 11 at night, and I had to take a bus back to my apartment. Meanwhile, though he has a car, he did not offer to take me home. That kind of bothered me, but now I'm glad that he has no idea where I live. We arranged to see each other the following weekend, and we enjoyed another good meal and good conversation together. This time, he invited me back to his place to watch a movie. I felt safer with the idea of a movie being involved, as it would be a non-sexual activity that we could do together and I could leave after. I had no intention of disclosing at this point, as I still hardly knew him and didn't feel that emotionally safe. The movie was fine, and I even felt okay kissing him afterward. But at some point I realized that greater physical intimacy, and probably sex, was imminent. I was motivated to continue, to not call "time" and leave again, by fear that he wouldn't want to see me anymore if I didn't "put out" (what is this, high school??). Then it became less an issue of disclosure and more an issue of whether I felt okay having sex with someone on a second date, which I'd never done. It happened. I insisted on condom use even though I sensed that he wouldn't have minded not using one. I honestly felt like not only did he not know my status, but I didn't know his, and so I didn't feel as if this was a terrible, horrible moral misstep. The sex was nothing short of incredible, to be honest. Although I am by nature somewhat of a prude (Catholic upbringing), afterward I felt very motivated to pursue the relationship for many reasons, and the possibility of continued great sex being among them. Bolstered by my past success in disclosing, I didn't think The Talk would be a problem, though I knew that having had sex before having The Talk was problematic. I felt we were both to blame for it, perhaps mostly because I felt he’d pressured me into doing things I didn’t really want or need to do right away (whatever, grow up, take some responsibility for yourself… I know, trust me, I see that). Mid-week the next week, I went to his place again on a “booty call” of sorts, as I think the kids call it these days. I felt comfortable disclosing at this point, and couldn’t in good conscience sleep with him again without doing so. So I did. And it didn’t go well. It could have gone worse, but it didn’t go well. I asked if he wanted me to leave, and he offered to drive me home. That’s when I began to cry. That was not the right answer. I said no, I’d take myself home. My phone was dead. An hour and a half later, when I got home and got some juice in my phone, the only texts I’d missed were “when was your last outbreak” and “do you have oral herpes at all.” I decided not to take this laying down, and wrote a long email with three main points: 1) that I was sorry for what I’d done, 2) that I liked him and wanted to get to know him better, and 3) a distillation of information about herpes. In the end, he said he couldn’t be romantically involved with someone who has an “incurable STD” (those were, in fact, my own poorly chosen words at the time of disclosure. While they may be true, I think they are over emotional and almost inflammatory). I felt angry, because I know that I have many wonderful traits that far outweigh the negative of the small risk of contracting a nuisance skin disease. It was my own fault for forcing myself to disclose before he saw that. (While it feels manipulative to wait until they’re hooked, what other choice to we have? I do not know.) Surprisingly, the fact that I hadn’t told him prior to our having sex was not the deal breaker. It was the simple fact that I have herpes. He didn’t want to “play Russian roulette” with his “health.” I wanted to say, dude, you do that every day when you get in the blanking car and drive to work! It’s the stigma. That’s all it is. And it really pisses me off. I’m actually quite sad about it. I’m sad that there are people, lots of them, probably, who would take the chance of NOT getting to know a person who could be THE best person for them in the entire world, because that person has a skin disease. I didn’t do that, and while I am not proud of neglecting myself and failing to take proper precautions, I am proud that I gave my ex a chance. I know that I should “respect his decision” (I even said as much in my reply), but I really… I don’t. I don’t respect it. I think he’s wrong. And that’s that. In addition to that, I wrote to him in response to his offer to be friends (but not lovers), something along the lines of "I get that you're not trying to say that there's something wrong with me, that you're not rejecting me, per say, but really, I think that at the end of the day you are." And I think they are. You may say it's no different than rejecting someone because they smoke or they have children. Fine, but you still ARE rejecting that person. And it's not a perfect analogy. Having herpes is not the same as smoking or having children; both of which are, as far as I'm concerned, much more along the lines of personal choice. So I'm in the process of recovering from this. If you have any insights that you think would be helpful, I'd be very grateful for them. I can see how there is a learning curve to this disclosure thing, and I bet it's pretty steep. I can't see myself effing up this big again anytime soon. However, I'm afraid that there may be a lot of people like this in the world, and I may be rejected many times because of this. I get the wingman thing, I really dig that, I do... but, rejection still smarts.

For science! 1. Yes I know, and yes he did 2. About 5 months 3. Yes, until we didn't, which is when I got it 4. No

I (28 y/o, F) am honored to become a part of this forum, which I recently found while dealing with a disclosure crisis. I have had herpes for about one year, and in this post I want to tell you a little about how I contracted it, and summarize my first, and so far only, successful discloser. I also have a second and failed discloser, but since that is more along the lines of “current events” I will post that separately. I've done a lot of reading here, and I am really impressed by the kindness and insightfulness of this community. So I contracted genital herpes from a guy I was dating, who was open with me from the start about his status. I liked him, and am hesitant to judge or write off people so I didn't reject the idea of dating him because of it. (I also was working on a degree in public health, and had an idea of the disease's prevalence.) I wanted him to go on antivirals to reduce the risk of transmission, but he didn't have health insurance, and though we did get him to a clinic for the uninsured, the clinic didn't have a pharmacy. Maybe he could have had his Rx filled for a reasonable price elsewhere, but he never made the effort to find out. Not that this makes a huge difference, but it does tell you something about the state of health care in America, and our relationship. Like many people I've known, he didn't really enjoy sex with a condom, and it was cramping our style. I knew the odds of catching it unprotected, and decided to take them. Within a week of forgoing the condom, I had it. For mostly unrelated reasons, we broke up shortly thereafter. My initial OB and the following two or three were very close together, maybe really all one OB, I’m not sure. My NP put me on acyclovir for the short term, but when it came back again and again over the next two months, she put me on it long term. I've been on it since. Actually, one of the hardest things about this has been dealing with medical professionals. I don't know about you all, but they seem pretty judge-y to me. I get things like, "He didn't tell you he had it, did he?" No, he did. I messed up, I didn't take care of myself. Why is that so hard to believe? What do you want from me? Things like that. (I don't know whether I have HSV-1 or HSV-2; I was told it wasn't worth testing because it wouldn't change how I lived my life. I actually think it would, since HSV-1 is typically less virulent and less contagious when contracted genitally. Anyway, if I had to guess I'd guess it's HSV-2, because my OBs were pretty bad at first, and my ex reports getting OBs up to 6 times a year, which sounds like a lot to me.) It was hard, as you all know, at first. I was mostly mad at myself for not taking care of myself, for letting it happen to me, for a guy I'd just go on to break up with. But overall I'm impressed with my resilience. Oddly, and perhaps tellingly, I've been in psychotherapy for over two years while this happened (for depression and anxiety), and I never told my therapist about it. (Or my psychiatrist, who should probably know what medication I am on (even though I'm not on any psychotropics at the moment)). Only a few months later I began a new relationship. My first disclosure came at the end of a dinner of lasagna I'd made, at the bottom of an excellent bottle of wine he'd brought. It was our third or fourth date. We were kissing. He was a great kisser; very gentle but not passive, and I never felt pressured. I cried a little, but I got it out. He didn't even flinch. It was like nothing. We dated for 8 months and used a condom or dental dam at all times, and as far as I know he never contracted it. We broke up, because we were not compatible for the long term. As you can see, I am terribly verbose. I will regale you with the story of my second and failed disclosure in another post, probably in another sub-forum. I hope this offers readers some insight into how a person might react positively to being told about herpes; I guess that's the theme here. Anyway I am glad to meet all of you, and am willing to answer any questions to the best of my ability. I look forward to getting to know you.