It's already been three months

[Guest]

It's already been three months. I don't know what else to say. I have had very little improvement emotionally, and physically my body is deteriorating at an even more alarming rate. I want to believe this has had nothing to do with it, but that just seems an impossibility.

 

Aside from H, I've had compounding back problems causing sciatic nerve damage in both legs. I seem to be one of the 'lucky' ones who experience low back pain and nerve pain with prodrome. I can't believe I got so lucky.

 

I still haven't come to terms with this. I don't know if I ever will. I feel itching and tingling all over my body. I found a couple small bumps around my navel, both of which had hair follicles, and one of which had some hardened sebum inside. I can only assume they were pimples and not lesions. I can only hope.

 

I really don't know what to do about this. Therapy has been unhelpful. Talking to others who share this condition doesn't seem to be convincing either. Since diagnosis I've lost my ability to walk due to sepsis, I can't exercise, my employer has placed me on unpaid leave, and I can barely afford to take care of myself anymore.

 

I'm in more pain emotionally everyday and I'm losing this fight. I don't know what to do.

[whitedaisies]

Ok....I totally get where u r coming from. Herpes affected my body horribly....I have constant outbreaks , pain everywhere. I totally feel for you.

 

First, u should be on short term disability not on u paid leave. I don't know where u r from but if u r in that much pain and r depressed u should not be on unpaid leave u should qualify for some sort of assistance.

 

Next, do not give up on therapy....be patient....it will all click. Listen I could go into my whole sob story...trust me, it's a doosey, I hear u about self pity and feeling like one of the lucky ones that gets impacted by this virus so horribly, u feel like a freak!!!! All I can say is use this opportunity thru therapy to find stuff out about u. Who u r other than herpes. I learned so muh about mysel thru therapy. I found out I am a little sexual vixen...had no idea bc I was letting my past dictate who I was....I found out that I want to marry an older man who is experienced and has a zest for life as I have been dead inside for so long I want to have an adventurous partner, I found ok am a great writer, be side of h I started writing an autobiographical book. I would never have done that without h. So enuff about me. What I am trying to tell u is take this opportunity to explore yourself and who u are. Then when he symptoms lessen, the drugs work, the cures come....u will be ready to take on the world!!!!

 

Don't give up!!!! I love how u researched about cures and ur post on that....u seem very smart. Also I love ur name. Thisismenow. Wow! So poignant. So appropriate. Embrace the thisismenow. You will be better for it. I promise!!!

 

Listen I have vaginal pain everyday and nerve pain all over my body. I could have h plus shingles. I don't know. Just telling u I am where u r. I left work on leave. Paid. Have no idea when I am going back. Cried like a baby everyday for a month at work to the point strangers were coming up to me asking what's wrong. It was humiliating. I am an overachiever so for me to leave work is huge!!!!!! So now u r off work and in pain and depressed. See a psychiatrist. Meds helped me cope. See a therapist. Trust me I will help u deal. Get Meds for the pain so u can function,

 

Try to make peace with the thisismenow....ur aches, ur pains but also all the knowledge and emotion u acquired along he way. It makes u a richer person and when u r ready, someone will find that so attractive about u.

 

Feel free to message me.

 

Cheers and lots of hugs

[whitedaisies]

Ok to be more specific, it's been 7 months for me.....cried constantly for 4, therapy for now 3...first 2 months of therapy were about herpes only and i probably went thru a box of kleenex every session. This last month has been more self exploration....u will get there but u have to let urself...physical pain sucks i hear u. i have it everywhere and I am hoping that right now I just focus on working on me and maybe eventually the pain and outbreaks will stop.....and maybe a new drug will help and my body will respond better to the drug, and maybe there will be a cure...but in the meantime, I am exploring, finding out stuff about me. Let yourself find out stuff about you. You seem like you are very good with facts, research, black and white things....I was too, but herpes is not black and white and maybe that's why you are having an issue....that's what my issue was and still is....I hate all the grey zone of herpes....it's ridiculous how it manifests differently in so many people and how testing methods are just tragic. But maybe this is a lesson to embrace the grey, the ambiguous and learn to live and cope with it. It is a sucky lesson but that's what it taught me.

 

So anyway, at risk of sounding like a total idiot.....take a deep breath adn allow yourself to go on your journey.

 

I was suicidal, couldn't get out of bed, and now I am functioning quite well...it took 7 months for me, you are only in your third, give yourself time.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Thisismenow

 

One thing I can tell you from personal experience as well as through my experience as a Massage Therapist ... depression can cause all kinds of issues, ESPECIALLY in the back. When I started Massage School 10 yrs ago I was dating a man who I was madly in love with .. but I had to spend the 6 months training about 4 hrs away ... as soon as I was gone, he started "enjoying" his time alone a little too much. I realized in my gut that something was off ... it took too much convincing to get him to come up for a visit 3 weeks into my course. Right before he arrived, I was getting dressed and next thing I know I'm on the floor writhing in pain. Took 4 months before I wasn't in pain. (BTW, Massage School in Wk 3 isn't the best place to be when you have this bad of a disc issue, but I made it through). Turns out that every time I was in a bad place with him, the back went out to some degree. Since I have learned how to deal better with life, with disappointments, rejection, and ESPECIALLY how to love myself no matter what, my back has been the best it's been since I was 17. There is a HUGE emotional connection with the back ... so I agree with Whitedaisies ... if you can sort out your work situation and get therapy, do it.... work on sorting out all the things you have control of ...

 

And BTW, if you have sepsis, I think you have something else going on that perhaps has not been diagnosed. Any chance you could have Lyme disease? Is there any chance you could have something like MS? (Sorry but tingles all over the body is one of the major symptoms of MS so I think it bears looking into) Diabetes/Thyroid/vitamin deficiencies (B12) could all be at play too. Has your Dr even TRIED to look into other reasons for your symptoms? It *may* be that H set something else off that has been lurking in your system.

 

In the end, you may have to go in and demand more/better testing to rule out anything else. I'm just not convinced that your symptoms are just H....

 

(((HUGS)))

[Guest]

I had back surgery for the second time at the end of April, in the middle of my primary OB. It was wonderful to lay in a hospital bed with blisters on my stuff and a hole in my back. The sepsis was from a bacterial infection that invaded the surgical incision. It's been dealt with, but it left me with significant damage to the soft tissue in my lower spine. So now it's a lot of physical therapy along with psychotherapy. The universe has not been kind to me recently.

[whitedaisies]

U are a thinker my friend. Like I am. I can tell. Ha I used my friend like dancer. Anyway I am/was a thinker. Being that type makes coping with an illness like this very difficult. I am very educate as well an neurotic etc. herpes is such an emotional virus and that's why u r struggling because ur strength has always been thinking. You got to feel ur way trough this one to heal.

 

 

You have definitely been dealing with lots. Me too. But I tell u a secret.....let it go!!!!! Once I started letting go I coped better. I hate herpes don't get me wrong but I am stopping the incessant thinking and learning to feel my way through life. If I could do it u cando it. Again it's only been 3 months, forgive urself for getting herpes. Happens to the best of us.

 

I am not judging just trying to help. I see alot of me in you. I am 3 months ahead of u....not so far off tht I can't relate.

 

All the best to you!!!! I know u can get there!!! Let yourself.

[WCSDancer2010]

@whitedaisies

 

I *used* to be an over-thinker too. I did a lot of personal work, did a number of courses and seminars with a group called Landmark Education (there are tons of similar programs that help you understand us crazy humans better), and slowly realized just how futile it is. Then you have to break the habit. For some, meditation is the way to go (when the thought comes in, you thank it for it's input and let it go on it's way), for me, it was a matter of understanding that letting go of Attachment was the key for me ... (Google it - there's a lot of great info on it ... ... this is a good one to start with http://zenhabits.net/zen-attachment/ ). This was HUGE for me .... I think it will speak to you ... and maybe @Thisismenow too ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Guest]

This is something that is just too difficult for me to let go. I'm accustomed to being able to overcome my challenges with ease, but for the first time here is something in front of me that I can NEVER overcome. There's nothing I can "do" and that's what makes it hurt so much.

 

That's where my problem stems from. That I am unable to resolve this and that my symptoms seem to be significant enough that they cause me considerable distress. I'm already immunocompromised from my surgery and the follow on sepsis. That has only made this worse.

 

In roughly two months the woman I love is coming home from abroad. We talked about getting back together in March, before I started experiencing symptoms and just after I had ended my last dating experiment. Now I have to bring this to the table if she decides she wants to finally pursue our friendship further. I just don't think this is something she can overcome. She was raised in a very different culture and place where things like this aren't talked about and are treated as representations of evil. I know the canned response is "well if she can't overcome it then she wasn't worth your time," but she really is worth my time, and it's asking a lot to expect her to overcome decades of cultural indoctrination overnight.

 

I am very honestly afraid I will be alone as a result of this. All I want is to be loved and find my happy, with her. My greatest fear is growing old alone. It terrifies me.

[whitedaisies]

Well, yes, its too difficult now for you to let go; I had a hard time too, I only started experiencing real growth in month 6. I was an overachiever, controlled everything in my life, every outcome was predictable, every challenge I conquered and won. Not this one adn I have it bad too, not with eth sepsis but I have disseminated herpes so I'd say we are pretty close.

 

The key for me was a good therapist and letting go of how I got it (it was a doosey trust me); I fought tooth and nail too. At first I was choosing suicide (never would have done it but I obsessively thought of it), then I chose not to die (which is not really living, it's just not dying) and now I am on the beginnning path of living....very beginning.

 

I hate to say it but you know what's coming, I understand cultural differences and yes, it's an obstacle, but if she loves you, it will be an obstacle that becomes an inconvenience and not a roadblock. Sure, nobody wants herpes, let's be real, but it takes a really strong person to overcome that and that's who you want....especially if you are dealing with other health issues.

 

You are in your 30s, I think, you are still very young, have lots of life to experience, I just started figuring things out in my 40s, if you do it now, you're ahead of the game.

 

So I have an old flame that has come back in my life that wants to have sex and I was preherpes before with him and now I am struggling too whether I tell him or not. It's no fun, but you are ahead of the game with someone you already know, they know the you before herpes, they know you well, and that may make it easier to overcome this.

 

Take a chance, talk to her, explain what happened, and you never know. That's what my therapist keeps telling me....I keep saying, well, if I do this then this will happen and she always says, "how do you know", it may or it may not, you can't predict an outcome that relies on another person's input. You can guess, you can hope, but you can't predict. I don't know if I am going to get back with my old flame either, but my circumstances are much different than yours. So I will say to you, you seem like a very intelligent man, noww think yourself into believing you are worth someone to love you because you are, we all are and you also have had so much contact with the scientists, etc. you are that much more knowledgeable that you can explain it to her...use simple terms....show your love for her and vulnerability.

 

Women love men who can show their vulnerability wihtout being afraid of it. You can still be vulnerable without being a pu$$y (forgive my vulgarity).

 

So what I am saying is, continue therapy, continue your appointments to help your symptoms, continue any pain meds they reocmmend, you will inch your way, minute by minute, hour by hour to being better off as a person.

[WCSDancer2010]

you can't predict an outcome that relies on another person's input. You can guess, you can hope, but you can't predict.

 

AMEN @Whitedaisies!!!!

 

You both are trying to predict a future which involves another person. A person you have no control over. BUT, a person who cares for you and who you have a history with. Sometimes it's just a matter of taking a leap of faith. Yes, you may have someone who has cultural differences to deal with, but one thing this country is known for is for breaking down barriers between cultures. So give her a chance @Thisismenow. And while you are waiting for her to return, work on YOU ... because you need to be as well and as whole as you can be in order to be there for her too. Don't try to predict how she will react.... if she cannot get over it, odds are her cultural differences may get in the way further down the road, so while it doesn't mean anything "bad" about her, it may just be an indication that she may not be a good fit for you, no matter how much you may like/love each other. Sadly there are many couples who split, who still love each other, but who are just too different to live together. Better that you find out now how flexible you can both be when something comes up that challenges her cultural upbringing. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but I've tried to be with people who have certain beliefs or desires that didn't gel with mine, and sometimes we are just not a good match ... but I'll be rooting for you over here!!!!

 

(((HUGS)))