Needing to tell someone Everything, and know I won't be judged... but maybe understood....

[TheLady42]

So 4 weeks ago, I found weird bumps on my lips, and having had skin issues all my life, I figured it was just my skin being weird yet again. Of course then I started feeling not so good, and after goin to urgent care, they said I had tonsilitis, and they were pretty sure I was having an Herpes outbreak.....and that because of the severeness, it was probably the second.

My mother still doesn't know I ever had sex with anyone. The choices for who gave it to me are slim. The obvious one reacted horridly and thought it was a joke, I was goin to be responsible for completely ruining his future....but he doesn't know if he has it, cause he hasn't had any outbreak or anything. It's like magic.

Anyways. So not only do I have my lips just riddled in ugly looking crusted blisters, I get enough drugs, with my beloved mother feeding me them all as needed all 10 days.... I had to deal with telling these people, and a few siblings, what I was going through.

 

They say the sores are suppose to go away in a week or so, everyone has this, and the first outbreak is the worst. Right.

I have scars on my lips now from where the scabs were. They are sometimes subtle, but photos pick them up. I will forever have a momento of my mistake. My skin as always been bad. I live a very stressful life, I care too much about people and such.... the likelihood of me having outbreaks all the time was just inevitable in my head.

Well I finally started feeling better, but a week later I somehow managed to get an abscess on my tailbone area, making sitting immensely painful. ... horridly so. But! Even better?! ... i began feeling my lips tingling, and as time progressed that day after being diagnosed with this new ailment, my mouth is going numb and I just knew I was getting another outbreak. (Which I figured cause outbreaks happen when you have a lower immune system and stress... ah duh I'm gonna have this to tackle as well).

3 days ago I finally stopped being in pain, and finished acyclovir pills. My lips still tingling even now, but oh well. No sores as of yet....numbness ocassionally, with itchiness.

I am now at the stage of getting with my doctor for doing a daily dosage of something to help limit outbreaks I knew I'd be proned to have. I just really hope it won't be anything that I have to take 5 times a day, cause I can't live like that.

Now to the part that has been slowly eating at me until I'm about to crumble into pieces.

 

I have oral herpes, and almost always feeling like I'm on the verge of an outbreak.

 

How can I ever be ok with being around my nieces and nephews...afraid of them grabbing something my mouth has touched, or damp cloths.... or just the fact that I don't want to ever kiss them (babies and such), for fear of giving them this. ...... my worst fear is unwittingly spreading this to someone. No matter how common this herpes simplex is. I don't care that 80-90% have it. I don't wanna give it to anyone. ... especially my siblings and their kids, or my mother! !

 

Then comes the relationship problem.

I think I'm clean in my genitals, but I don't really know, except I'd have thought it would break out like my lips did under the circumstances...so that means I'm pretty safe with the whole genital sex thing... condoms of course being used anyways as a precaution. .... but honestly, as much as that is great and all..... kissing and hugging affection means wayyyyyyy more to me than sex. *crux of my loss of composure and acceptance over my new condition. **

 

The realization that it will take a very particular person/the waiting game for such a person, before I am able to kiss another man. I don't like sleeping around, and I'd rather wait it out to have sex with a partner.... just sucks. Awkward too. Strain on future relationship etc.

How do I deal with this?? I can't breathe it hurts so much. I was such a responsible person, many thought I was a prude....and for the first time in my life, I decided I was going to " just relax and enjoy my last summer before transferring to uni"...why get all stressed and "over-think things/consequences for Everything I do"". ..... my partner I was very interested in, as he was in me... we even brought up whether we were clean or not, and I got on birth control for a month (ended that thing while laying in bed during my first herpes outbreak),........ ..... and just after 3 weeks of letting my guard down. I get all of this.

 

Makes you really want to harden your heart back up and never relax. People always wonder why I am such a stickler and safety first kind of person. It's because I always get burned if I don't.

 

..well this newest burn is changing my life forever. And it's just a lot to take in.

 

I'm not really expecting much in the way of " do this will help". But I figured if I posted, there would probably be someone out there able to relate and show me I'm not alone ( which facts and figures tell me is obvious, if not my own head).

Having reluctantly realized I don't believe in my faith anymore, it's also been hard ( in my head i have the "catholic guilt"- because you strayed from God and said he wasn't real, you get this. See told you shouldn't leave the church. ..... VS ... if that's so, God is a cruel. Cruel being whom I want nothing to do with. Rationally speaking: I could have gotten it anywhere. Doesn't matter. All that matters is how I am going to be able to handle always having to watch myself, especially around my family, so that I never kiss anyone. ... and it'll be a long while till I do get to kiss someone in a relationship kind of way..... because most guys aren't gonna be all "oh. We can't share spit or else I'm gonna get it too. Alright . No biggy. ... or!.. alright. ..I don't care, I'm doing it anyway."

Whole lot of raw emotions. I'm not comfortable with sharing, because I've always been one to bottle things up and always be there for others, with no one (except maybe my mom) to hold me up. ... but in this situation, knowing I've lied to her and am hiding this from her, though I'm sure she knows the truth..... I just can't seek comfort. So I have resorted to finding online herpescommunity help things... and here I am.

Hearing other disclosures in here has helped me just feel a little less alone and desolate. Consolation is a comfort... ha.

-lowers the anxiety and stress that builds up in me as I bottle all these stresses up.-

 

I'm ashamed of myself, and how I have conducted myself. I knew better, I didn't like myself and how I was spiraling out of control. .... and this was a mighty fine way to make me stop and just slow down, destress on a whole new level, and sleep more. Guess this is one way to get me to focus even More on my studies and educational endeavors.

[TheLady42]

How does one look at the comments??

 

I see where this goes and answer my own question!

[whitedaisies]

OK....deep breath.....and another....and another.....

 

I am a good Catholic girl too and I good Catholiced myself out of living a life as a human being and not as a religious poster child. I was not extremely religious but followed the teachings, didn't attend mass, but you get where I was going.

 

You have not strayed from God....don't be ridiculous. God made you human and part of humanity is experiencing sex and enjoying it and there is nothing wrong with that at all. I got H too, just as I started letting my guard down and doing things that I previously found were "questionable", but you know what?!?!?! I was living! Finally, I was living! Sounds like that is what you were doing too and there is nothing to be ashamed of....that's why we are here to live, experience, learn! Well, you got H....sucks!!

 

You will have to figure out how to navigate your life path with it. But it is nothing to feel bad about or ashamed of. You were spiralling out of control because you had been controlled your whole life, that's exactly what happened to me adn I got H because of it too. So I totally relate. BUt instead of hating yoruself and hardening your heart, you need to love yoruself for it. Love yourself that you finally allowed yourself to live adn explore you. And you will explore more of you as you learn to deal with H.

 

So grieve, cry, be mad, experience all the emotions....eventually you will find some sort of peace, it just takes time.

 

Good luck

[WCSDancer2010]

@TheLady42

 

BREATHE friend! You are waaayyyyyyyyyyyyy over thinking this!

 

So here's a few facts... 60% of young people have Oral H1 by the time they are young adults because little kids share it like Skittles. I got it at Age 3. The majority of the guys you date will either have H1, or will be repeatedly exposed to it throughout their dating life by people who have no idea they have it (80% of those who have it don't know they have it).

 

The GOOD NEWS is you know you have it, so you can protect your partner from getting it...and that doesn't mean no kissing, etc. FOR NOW you may want to abstain until your body gets it under control. It can take up to a year for the body to learn to get it under control...part of which can be helped by diet and reducing stress.... also, strong sun may cause an OB, exp while your body is getting it under control. And or Oral H, Oragel makes a REALLY good (but not cheap) product that dries them right up. Hit it on day 1 with it (and while it says it's a one-dose vial, I wrapped mine in saran wrap and used it for 3 days) and you can knock it right back.

 

Once you have it under control, you can try to back off the drugs and see if your body can control it (very few people with Oral H have any real need to stay on the drugs).

 

In the meantime, read the following blog ... it may help you to see Oral H in a more realistic fashion. Yes, you may want to talk to future partners about it, but odds are most of them will have it (and you can urge them to get tested for both kinds of H so YOU know if THEY have H2 ... this is the perfect excuse to request that info) but for kissing, it shouldn't be a big deal. Now, for Oral sex, you may need to be more cautious and if you are having regular OB's , then the meds may be an option to look at.

 

http://herpeslife.com/disclosing-cold-sores-oral-herpes-hsv-1-to-potential-partners-before-kissing

 

As far as your family/etc... yes, be cautious for the next few months until your body gets in under control. Otherwise, general "germ-control" precautions should be fine... no sharing drinks (ESP with an OB ...) and no kissing with an OB. But I have 2 beautiful girls - 25 and 28 now - and a 3 yr old granddaughter, and none have caught it from me.... I just drink from the side that I don't get OB's on and kiss on that side when I say goodbye or whatever.

 

You need to understand ... you are not a walking Petri dish and more people you come across will have it (knowingly or otherwise) than not. All this will do is help you to open a conversation about safe sexual practices ... and that's not a bad thing, eh?

 

(((HUGS)))

 

PS, you may WELL have had this since childhood and only recently ... maybe because of hormones ... caused it to come out ... so drop the guilt. You could have got it as a child, in an innocent kiss, OR while having sex. And you will likely never know which one it was :/

[TheLady42]

Thank you both for your comments. I ranted in this post, in a low moment. My everyday self is telling you both that what has really just hit is my pre-dated issues with my skin, making this newest development tricky to deal with (scars on my lips when they said they shouldn't scar....that kind of thing).

 

I have only had itchings, and no actual outbreaks... of which I am very glad of!

 

I don't believe I have had it always, but unless ( as you say) my hormones finally triggered it. Could make sense.

 

I'm a very logical person, and vague stuff as this can be (can't see where you spread it... if you ate contagious etc) irritating. Since I'm usually very realistic and logical, it eats at me when I do something stupid that I knew I shouldn't, and then something happens.

 

I'm glad both of you have been able to have a good life! ... I had heard somewhere that your body can eventually get use to it, and naturally adjust so you won't have as much of a problem. That's comforting.

 

I know it is all just a matter of time, and just going with it. I think it's just because my skin issues have always been kind of a loose bolt, never knowing what it will do next.... making the whole spreading thing a bit scarier than just normal circumstances.

 

Anyways. Thank you again for both of your thoughts. :)

 

Go us!!!! .... - skittles and living are worth it :P