May 2014

[lala83]

So here I am sharing my story of how my life was turned upside down and how I hope to overcome it all. I am 30 yrs young single mother of 2 children. After my husband pasted I waited to put myself out there into the dating world because of my fear of STD's and just falling for the wrong individual. So imagine my surprise when that was exactly what happened to me.

 

I met a man who said and did all the right things and I was a bit cautious but not as much as I should have been. We waited a while before having intercourse because we both agreed that it was not as important as our emotional connection. Soon after I found out the truth about him and all the lies how he was still messaging his ex confessing his love for her and saw her behind my back. We broke up and made up the cycle was just plain ridiculous and all in a span of 3 months. For the most part looking back I just wanted a father figure for my son. Weeks after our last split I moved out he contacted me and we hung out ofcourse we had intercourse then two days later I fell ill. My body was out of control flu like symptoms, itching, burning, back pains, and blisters. At first, I thought I just have a yeast infection but as the symptoms worsened and I notice blisters my mind changed. In a panic I began to search the web to try to find answers and put off going to the doctor because I was just terrified. Finally, I got up one Saturday morning and walked into a Planned Parent Hood to get tested both blood and vaginal swabs taken checking for HVS-1 and 2. I confronted him crying asking him what did he give me and I'll admit I was so scared to even ask him. All these questions in my mind and the fear of him rejecting me. When I confronted him naturally he said I've been tested and you are the one that got something (ofcourse him assuming I cheated). After he cooled down he changed his mind said he'd be there for me and not to worry that I probably didn't have anything.

 

Four days later, I get the call it's the clinic immediately I knew it was bad news. I kind of felt like I was sitting in that tiny room at the hospital waiting for the doctors to come in and tell me my husband passed away. Then the nurse says, "Well ma'am you have HSV-1 and everything else came back negative". I held in the tears and shock a moment and asked " but ma'am I don't understand I have a H breakout down there isn't HSV1 oral. Is this possible?". Her response was " well I don't know how you got it down there" which really upset me and at the same time made me freak out even more. I got home that night locked myself in my room and cried asking Why me? How can I just lose my husband last year and now have this happen. My son is attached to me I could not bring myself to even hug, kiss him, or let him sleep in the bed with me all in fear that I would put him at risk. It hurt him and I know it now looking back on it I hate that I did that to him but it was all me and not being well informed about H. When I called my ex to give him the news he acted as if it was nothing

I told him he needed to go be tested because I wanted to know if I possibly already had it or that he gave it to me. He said well if you have it then I must have it too. Something about the way responded about it told me he already knew he had H or he could have just gotten it when he went back to his ex girlfriend. He never got tested which put further doubt in my head. I had to just except that I'd probably never know and get over it.So did I forgive my ex? Yes, I'm a firm believer that forgiveness is not for the other person but for yourself. Why waste energy of holding a grudge?

 

 

It's been two months now since my first outbreak I had a second just two weeks ago (just one bump) and noticed I'm on my third OB today (oh joy lol). Let me tell you baking soda in water is my best friend and I notice it dries out the blisters pretty fast but it burns like crazy( just thought I'd share that home remedy). It just seems like every time I forget or get comfortable there's that reminder that I have this lifetime relationship with HSV1.

 

So now I've joined this wonderful group for support and to meet people that are in the same situation. I'm sure it will help me a lot because now with the third OB I felt myself slipping into depression. I am learning about my body and would love to have more knowledge from actual individuals with the same thing rather than reading it from web searches. I've been talking to someone he makes me feel normal and keep my mind off of the whole thing. I'm not ready to tell him just yet but will if we ever get to the point where he needs to know. For now I just like that i have someone to talk to and hang out with before he possibly rejects me. Forgive the long and confusing life story but I'll admit this really made me feel better today.

 

[whitedaisies]

Well, I am glad you feel better. Writing is cathartic and if you find that then maybe you should start a journal? I did and it helps me.

 

It is frustrating timing for sure, and I hear you about your kids and fear you will give it to him, but it's pretty darn hard to pass this virus without some serious rubbing so your kids will be ok.

 

WOnderful that you are enjoying your friendship with this man; tell him when you are ready and he may not reject you at all....lots of people on here have successful disclosure stories. You will be ok.

 

It takes a while to get used to things.

 

You can get hsv1 on your genitals through oral sex if your partner carries the hsv1 virus in his mouth (even without a coldsore) and/or if he has it in his genitals from genital to genital sex.

 

HSV1 tends to shed less and have fewer outbreaks once your body has it under control which takes longer for some people than others. Over time, it will settle.

 

Vent as often as you like on here...lots of great people!

 

Good luck

[WCSDancer2010]

It sounds like your body is already gaining control over the virus, so while it's frustrating for you to have a 3rd OB, the fact that the Baking Soda route is working so well for you is a really good sign. So take heart in the fact that you are making great progress there ... some people have a really rough time of it for months :(

 

I'm guessing your ex has cold sores - if you are talking to him, it would be good for him to at least know that H1 can be passed through oral sex... many have no idea that this is possible, so you may save someone down the line from getting H.

 

I'm sure you are going to be fine and find a great guy - just give it time ... and don't rush to find a father for your son... going from one guy to another won't be good for him. Only introduce the man into his life when you are sure that you are solid and that he deserves to be introduced to your boy .... if you want that kind of figure, see if you have a male friend who you can trust to be a role model for him. He needs stability and introducing guys too early will just be confusing for him :(

 

(((HUGS)))

[lala83]

@whitedasies I shall take your advice and start a journal today. I.like to stay active and workout to feel better but since I'm in the middle of a OB no gym for me.

@WCSDancer2010 definitely a lesson learned I'm in no rush to have a father figure in my son's life. I have come to the conclusion I will be good enough to fill both shoes :). As for my ex he never showed any symptoms of cold sores. However, the night I believe to have come in contact with H after intercourse he said he felt like he had a tiny cut. Maybe he was healing from a outbreak and didn't know. I'm really not sure what to think. We are still friends and I had to stop asking him why he didn't go get tested and if he already knew he had H and never told me. Every time I ask I get nothing out of him.

[whitedaisies]

That's sad that he won't get tested but u know u stopped asking and that's good. No use beating a dead horse.

 

It doesn't matter how u got it ; it's that u got it and now u have to deal with it.

 

U will be fine.

 

Good luck!