HSV-1 & starting to heal physically and emotionally, but not sexually. Help?

[Rose2014]

It has been four months since my diagnosis (HSV1 genital), and I can't seem to bear the thought of being sexual again.

 

For the first few months, I was dealing with constant outbreaks, and struggling with unending physical symptoms, but for the last six weeks, I've been on suppressive therapy, and I am feeling so much better, physically and emotionally.

 

I was devastated at first, it was really traumatic for a long while, but now that I'm feeling better physically, thanks to the meds, and finding some perspective, thanks to this site and other supports, I'm finding that I can now go for almost an entire day without even thinking about my H+ status, which has been amazing!

 

I contracted H in March, from a coworker with whom I had a brief fling. I had a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that I got this from him so easily and quickly, when we weren't serious, and he quickly moved on and out of our city and out of my life shortly after my diagnosis.

 

But I am dealing with that as best I can, and feel in a better place emotionally, although I still have my moments and my struggles with all of it.

 

I am definitely not dating anyone - I'm not at all ready. It's not even the disclosure aspect that I dread.

 

I still feel too traumatized physically to try and even consider being sexual, and this really bothers me.

 

I have come a long way in accepting the fact that I have this, I understand how common it is, and I know, intellectually, it is only a nuisance skin condition.

 

I would never think any less of or be disgusted with anyone else for having it (my "giver" disclosed and I took the risk), but since my own diagnosis, I have this deep, deep-rooted disgust with my body that I can't seem to shake.

 

I hate bathing or having to do anything that involves me having to be aware of that area of my body, or touch it in any way. I barely get through what I have to do for hygiene.

 

I have a huge, huge mental block, and I don't know how to break through it and let myself really accept that I still deserve to be sexual. Because I know I deserve to have a fulfilling sex life, like anyone else, and I really crave that.

 

I have tried to explore and learn about "self-love" and all that, with toys and books and things like that, to try and rediscover my sexuality (alone, to begin with), but I immediately put them all away and have never even taken them out. I just can't bring myself to do it.

 

So, I'm wondering: has anyone else ever felt this way, and if so, how did you learn to embrace your sexuality again after discovering you have H?

[WCSDancer2010]

Hello again @Rose ;)

 

First - you are having a normal reaction to your diagnosis .... ok?

 

So - this is my experience and how *I* see it.

 

I'm *guessing* you may have been either raised to believe that if you do "bad" things then you are a "dirty" person (and STD's are the "proof" of that) , or something has happened in your life that led you to believe that before now. You see, H acts as a magnifying glass on what you already negatively believe about yourself .... so if you already felt that you are not deserving of unconditional love, or that you are not smart or pretty enough or whatever, H will give you the PERFECT EXCUSE to prove that this is all true .... AND ... it's NOT true ... it's all in your head!

 

I mean, how crazy is this statement?

 

I would never think any less of or be disgusted with anyone else for having it (my "giver" disclosed and I took the risk), but since my own diagnosis, I have this deep, deep-rooted disgust with my body that I can't seem to shake.

 

Why would you not think less of the person who gave you H (who YOU ACCEPTED unconditionally!!!) yet suddenly when it's you with the virus, you are now suddenly disgusting and unlovable to yourself???? Think about it ;)

 

And just a reality check:

 

I had a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that I got this from him so easily and quickly, when we weren't serious, and he quickly moved on and out of our city and out of my life shortly after my diagnosis.

 

Pregnancy, and STD's, only take one hook-up at the wrong time. Even when you take BC or use condoms, sometimes shit happens. Simple as that. Be thankful you are not a single mother dealing with a baby alone while he moved on ;)

 

You may want to see about getting some Therapy to work on whatever deep rooted belief you have about yourself - I'm willing to guess that you already have some reason to not love yourself, and that H just made you unable to escape/ignore that belief any more.

 

If I'm wrong, let me know and we can explore this further but think about it for awhile before you come back with a denial, ok?

 

(((HUGS)))