Just found out I have herpes and full of anxiety

[seeker]

This will be a short intro as I need to leave for work. I just found out last Tuesday evening about having H2 and I have been all over the place emotionally. My hands literally shake most of the time, if I don't keep my mind busy ( and it doesn't want to focus too easily right now) I obsess over this. every bump and itch anywhere on my body makes me wonder, I feel contaminated, alone, depressed, unable to share and now financially hemorrhaging due to other needs. I have my first Doctors appointment next Tuesday. I seem to be on the tail end of an OB. I did speak with a person from a local support group last night and it helped. Ive noticed the worst is about 4 am when I wake up and my mind tears off into WTFs and then cant get back to sleep and then until I get to work. I feel like God and the universe have let me down ( not to mention myself) I don't know what to do. I feel like im going crazy. luckily today is an overnight with my kid so I will have some joy in my life today, tho I am still paranoid about casually transmitting it to him somehow ( I know intellectually It cant really happen, but emotionally its a different story. Thank you for letting me join you guys. I stumbled across you and it helped me this weekend. I will try to sign up for the Hbuddy thing soon.

 

God I feel so down right now. One foot in front of the other, breathe in breathe out...............

[WCSDancer2010]

@seeker

 

Hello and Welcome! Glad you found us!

 

You will find we have several veterans like myself on here who have had H ForEVER !!! I'm a 35 yr veteran and my life is just fine (well, as fine as anyone who doesn't have H, because H isn't the cause of 99% of my stuff!). I've had 2 beautiful girls who are in their 20's and are H-free ...and a wonderful 3 yr old granddaughter as well. I've been "blessed" with both oral H (since I was a kid) as well as the genital one ... and I have only passed it to 1 person - my ex hubby - because I didn't know my "rash" was an STD. That was back in the 80's when there wasn't much info to go on. Today we have some pretty decent info (if you know where to look for it) support groups like this and the local one you mentioned, and meds to help us to keep the OB's at bay if needed. So be thankful ... we can help you with processing all this and you will be just fine. Us "dinosaurs" had to muddle through years of no support and no information ;)

 

The big thing to keep in mind is you are FAR from alone. ONE in FIVE of everyone you work with, ride the train with, or go to a concert with has genital herpes. FOUR out of FIVE has Oral Herpes (and could thus pass it on with oral sex) and 80% of both groups are ignorant to the fact that they have it (which is why most of us are here... the vast majority of people get it from asymptomatic/unwitting carriers).

 

Odds are you may have had this awhile and your financial stresses may have allowed the virus to come through - H LOVES stress ..... if that is the case, be thankful you know so you can protect future partners now. We who know have the possibility to control the virus and take measures to protect others. ;)

 

I suggest you read the handouts and the e-book that Adrial has Here:

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

And read all you can on here. You may even want to take extra handouts to the Dr and ask him to give them to anyone who comes in with a H+ test in the future because most people are unaware that there are support systems out there ... like you, they feel alone. So it would be great if you could do that to pass it forward :)

 

Right now you are buying into the stigma - Read everything you can on here and check out this category on my blog where I have tips for the newly diagnosed (start at the bottom which is the first entry)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/category/herpes-diagnosis/

 

You can either choose to allow Herpes to define you, or to use it as a tool to grow and learn from. I promise you, the latter is a MUCH better choice ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[seeker]

thanks WCSdancer, the financial stress is new. I don't have health insurance and am already on a tight budget plus there are some kid related bills that need to be paid. I feel a lot of anxiety at the moment about casual transmission and every bump and itch on my body I question. I have yet to find someone in my circle to talk with and I almost feel as if I am hiding something from those I love but am terrified to disclose. Yet I need to in several ways, openness, support (possibly financial help for the drugs, I understand it can be @ 150 a month for suppressive) I also have some worry about the HIV connection. I did get a rapid test done for that and I was negative but there is a 3 month latency and I do have 1 higher risk contact ( unknown at the time) during that. This diagnosis came when I was already being introspective and kind of down . Reading this site and your blog has helped. I also just read about a phase 2 study on humans for a therapeutic vaccine that will bring down the viral load to non transmittable levels and that sounds great. My new friend has had H2 5 years and was more concerned about the transmission than the OBs and hers can be bad so I guess a person kind of learns to live with it. While I have an intellectual understanding that its almost impossible to casually transmit H2 to someone else I still have an emotional response, my "daddy sense uber- hyper protective mode" thing going and it would literally kill me to give it to him. Plus I did the go to the lab and get a test thing to save money so I didn't even have a doctor to talk with when I got my diagnosis, just an email with what seems to be devastating news. So I feel utterly alone at the moment. all day I think about this thing inside me, I started crying and getting angry at all the handwashing cause I touched myself on the skin somewhere. I live in florida and work outside so the area from the waist to the knee is always itchy to begin with, esp in summer and that doesn't help. ARG, I feel like crying right now!!!!

[victoriaxxx]

Hey.. I completely understand the feeling. Cry away. Just know that you are not alone, and a lot of us have it. I am feeling shame, and guilt right now myself, because of something that I have possibly done. Just know that you are not worthless. Someone out there will love you for you, just as I have found someone who loves me for me.. Well the first guy I thought did, but I know for sure this time I did...

 

You will lighten up ! (: It's not that bad I promise.

[WCSDancer2010]

@seeker

 

So this should help the financial issues:

 

1) Use Planned Parenthood for any future STD testing/needs. They *usually* are a great resource and you can tell them your finances are tight and they should give you a sliding scale on their charges - they reduced my last visit (for full STD panel) from $350 to $125 and I paid it off at $25/month.

 

2) Go online and get a Discount RX card (just google it!) They can save you up to 60%. And rather than take Valtrex, ask for Acyclovir - it's a LOT less expensive - you just have to take it 2x/day instead of 1.

 

Yes, we have to be more careful about HIV because we might have an open sore down there ... that's the main risk factor there. So just be very careful to use condoms and don't get frisky bareback until you SEE their STD results ;)

 

And AGAIN ... YOU CAN'T PASS ON GENITAL HSV BY JUST TOUCHING OR HUGGING SOMEONE ... YOU GOTTA RUB YOUR GENITALS ON THEM TO PASS IT ON! So love and hug your children. If you have oral H, just be careful about kissing (I still kiss my grandchild and kissed both my H- girls who are now 25 and 28 ... but I was very careful to keep it to a peck and mostly on the side of my mouth where I get the fewest OBs). 60% of young people have H1 by the time they are adults so it's incredibly common anyway ... I got H1 orally at age 3 :/

 

I don't know if I posted the hints for you for helping to attack the virus from the outside, but here they are again ... if you can keep the area dry and cool whenever possible, that will help a LOT.

 

Go Commando as much as possible - getting air to the area can help to dry it out more quickly

 

If it hurts to pee, either pee in the shower or pour a cup of water over the area as you pee to dilute the urine…..

 

Reduce stress as much as possible - Herpes feeds off stress!!! It can become a good barometer for you that your body needs attention in some form or other

 

Look up Trigger Foods/triggers on here in the FAQ and search bar - lots of topics on them ... the main foods are chocolate and nuts but you want to learn about the Lysine/Argenine balance that can help keep Herpes under control

 

Epsom Salts baths can do wonders for some. Sit in the bath and dump a few handfuls of the salts right between your legs. Relax and let the salts do their thing then get out and dry off, finishing with a blow drier set on low heat to really get the area dry.

 

These 4 things seem to do the most help for the most people. Aloe Vera CREAM (make sure ALOE is one of the first ingredients and there isn't a bunch of other crap like petroleum and if it has glycerine, it's AFTER the Aloe in the ingredients .. go to a Health food store for your best chance of getting a good product) or Zinc cream may help during the day to keep it from sticking and help relieve the pain ..

 

Also: Gold Bond Spray powder - right after exercising/hot showers/etc. Supposedly really cools the area

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1624/herpes-medication-genital-hsv-1-how-to-keep-herpes-outbreaks-clean-dry#Item_22

 

You can get the alum HERE: http://tinyurl.com/pmosahc

 

(((HUGS)))

[seeker]

Thanks for the responses. Victoria, I read your post about your situation and I wouldn't beat myself up over it, He knew going in and He still wants to be with you, as someone said " bask in it". I would love to have someone want to be with me long term no matter what, who I thought was the love of my life, who I had a child with, bought a home with, built a life with decided one day that she wasn't happy and wanted out. I feel about the same way now as I did when she tricked me out of my house and had me served with divorce papers while we were "working on it".

 

WSCdancer, I have read your blog and several of your posts, you are an angel in this little part of the world ( and probably a bigger part of it also). I know im not going to give H2 to my son but the emotional side of me reacts without logic. I would willingly be tortured and die for my son, He is my world. so the mere chance, esp with the somewhat self contradicting info about this "rash". like touching a sore and touching your skin elsewhere can spread it yet sores are poor sources of live virus for swap tests ( the planets seem to need to be aligned) and the virus dies almost instantly outside the body and really really doesn't like the air.

 

Im still getting use to this, ive bought into the stigma from the outside and now im on the inside saying "wait what the hell???" It has seemed to make me a bit more spiritual, I seem to talk to the great mystery more now than I had been and it is making me think about my life and who I would like to spend it with and most importantly how I can improve as a father.

 

one thing, this kissing business. ive no signs of H2 orally but is it mouth kissing? I haven't kissed my kid on the lips since he was about 4, its more on the head ( and the boy has an enviable head of hair) maybe a cheek. I assume those are 100% safe.

[WCSDancer2010]

touching a sore and touching your skin elsewhere can spread it yet sores are poor sources of live virus for swap tests ( the planets seem to need to be aligned)

 

To clarify this for you - just like ANY sore/wound, you should wash your hands after you handle it ... especially if there is any "infection" present (bacterial or viral). So *normal* sanitary practices are all you need to follow if you touch it. And it goes without saying that if you handle your private bits, you would wash your hands before touching your son, right? ;)

 

As far as the swab issue - they need to get enough of the fluid in the blisters to get a good "catch" to grow the virus in the lab to a point where they can see it under the microscope. Most people wait until they have had the OB several days to go to a Dr by which time it's often drying up because the virus is already being knocked down by the body. So it's not just the planets aligning, you just need to go in as soon as you have an obvious OB. AND, many people don't get the blisters ... some are more like paper cuts so they are harder to get enough virus from unless they are weeping.

 

It has seemed to make me a bit more spiritual, I seem to talk to the great mystery more now than I had been and it is making me think about my life and who I would like to spend it with and most importantly how I can improve as a father.

 

Herpes has a tendency to help people to have more empathy, and to help them to see that there us much that we can't control in life and to come to peace with that (unless they are OCD, in which case they have a much rougher journey...though H can help them to become realistic and learn to control that too over time) ... it's one of the Herpes "Opportunities" ;)

 

Regarding kissing. You have H2 on your GENITALS ... H doesn't spread through your body via the blood or whatever - it lives in the nerve ganglion in the region where you obtained it. On top of that, H2 only makes up about 1-2% of all Oral Herpes ... it REALLY hates it there ... so you are not likely to be carrying it there, esp if you never had any kind of OB. If you happened to have H1 there, well, you'd be like 80% of the population so as long as you don't do anything if you have an OB, I wouldn't worry about kissing another adult and I'd just be careful with smooched with the kids (I do pecks, mostly on the side away from my normal OB side). I have a 25 and 28 yr old and a 3 yr old grandbaby and none of them have got it from me. And you can kiss his head all you want... he won't get it there ;)

 

(((HUGS)))