Trying to Find Peace with Herpes - First Post

[hope24]

Hey All - This is my first time posting on this board. I am glad that I have somewhere to talk about something that's really private. I have been feeling pretty emotional lately and tired of not being able to cope with these issues, so I think it's time to share my feelings and ask for help. Sorry it's long but I'm going to put it all on the table.

 

I found out that I have genital herpes over a year ago (May 2013). I was in a horrible relationship and shortly after split up with my (now) ex-boyfriend, who gave me the virus. It has been a long time and I am still having struggling with a lot of different emotions:

 

I struggle with self-acceptance. I sometimes feel disgusted with my body when I have an outbreak. I feel like that part of my body isn't as beautiful or valuable (for lack of a better word, not talking money currency here) now that it's been tainted with this virus. I feel a lot of shame and haven't been able to feel sexual at all since I found out I had it. I feel like my worth as a woman and partner has depreciated.

 

I also have a hard time accepting the choices that I made in the past. I knew that my ex had herpes, and we always had protected sex, with the exception of two times. At the time, I was misinformed about the virus and thought that the Valtrex medication he was taking was enough to keep the virus from spreading to me. Not only is that untrue, but he had stopped taking the Valtrex because he had an allergic reaction to it, and didn't tell me. That's how I got it. I often beat myself up for this because I feel like I shouldn't have trusted him, should have taken more precautions to protect myself, maybe even should never have dated him after what a jerk he turned out to be. It's very hard to accept that I knew my partner had it and I didn't do enough to prevent it. I blame myself and put myself down a lot for it because it could have been prevented.

 

I know that it's a cliché issue, but I also worry a lot that I'm not going to find someone who is okay with my having herpes. I worry about rejection a lot. I have always been somewhat insecure about my body to begin with, and this virus definitely adds fire to the flame. I am afraid to actually go for potential interests because I think that "someone as healthy as that smiling guy over there would never risk his health to be with me." I am afraid that having herpes is going to make me settle for partners who aren't as good as I otherwise would feel I deserve.

 

Can anyone relate to these feelings? Does anyone have any suggestions on how to cope with these emotions and worries? How long did it take you to find peace with this virus?

 

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Duplicate post