Can't stop beating myself up..... Please help.

[Lesson2belearned]

I'm a 30 year old male who lives alone has no children and has the world going for him. It was just a month ago I met a young lady who is in the army. I met her off an online dating site, she was cute seemed normal and same, she had goals an what I thought I had been waiting for. We went out on a date she had a drink and wanted to go back to my place. She asked me if I had a problem with finishing when I was with a girl, because she was allergic to latex and couldn't use condoms and she really liked the sensation of feeling a guy finish in her. It threw up some red flags for me but I asked her numerous times, you're clean right? Everytime she said oh yes 100% I swear. Please tell me you are too! So I went ahead and did it with no protection. She also kept telling me she hasn't had a partner in 6 months and just got back from deployment and had been tested. Well that day and the next day we had intercourse. Then things got fishy she became distant although she kept telling me how much she liked me and wanted to spend more time with me. We had went on a date the next weekend and by then I had a small sore on my penis. Thought maybe an ingrown hair it was very small and had a hair growing out of it. She kept insisting that we could not have sex due to her period even though I didn't bring it up not once, She did. We came back fell asleep and she left. 2 days later I went to the dr and got a culture done. My next meeting with her a week later she again said she was still on her period and couldn't have sex. I didn't care I enjoye her company. I was nice to her bought her gifts took her on dates and was generally a real sweet guy to her. When we met that night I went and met her at the movie theatre bought some tickets and she said "we need to talk" she informed me her ex boyfriend who was overseas in Afghanistan may have given her herpes and the clap. I wasn't not concerned with the clap a shot and some pills and I'm good. We didn't see the movie she left in tears and I had a feeling it'd be the last time I talked to her. Got the culture back. Positive for hsv didn't specify if 1 or 2. Got a 2nd opinion blood tests one negative the other positive. The small sore went away and before it was even gone... Boom round 2 way worse. Horrible. I'm totally mortified with myself so depressed angry and disappointed. I told her my results were positive and her response was very very cold " oh well guess you got yourself a little gift from Afghanistan now didn't you?" There was more much more. I'm so torn up inside I don't want to go to work don't want to leave my house I'm so disgusted and bummed out. Why? I know why. I made a bad choice. Last night I got on this forum and read some of the most positive and spirit lifting writings since i was diagnosed. Tonight I'm having a very hard time.. What do I do now? Tell everyone woman I sleep with? Not tell them use protection? What do I do? I've accepted I have it. Just depressed. Got a cycle of acyclovir so hopefully I caught this ob in time for it to work. Am I a leper? I was also sleeping with another girl while I was sleeping with the army girl I used protection but did have the sore. I'm praying to god she does not get it. I'm a very sad man. Thank you everyone on here for being so positive.... If anyone has advice I would really appreciate it.

Mike

[whitedaisies]

Hey Mike.

 

You sound sooo sad :(. No need friend. First off, if you used protection with the 2nd girl and the condom covered part of the sore, she should be fine. But probably a good idea to tell her so she knows and can get tested.

 

Well, I can't believe how cold that woman was when you told her...really so inhumane!! I am sorry you had to go through that. Not every woman is like her.

 

Don't be mortified with yourself, yes, not using protection is never a good idea with someone you don't know, but you still could have got it anyway. A condom doesn't prevent hsv infection; you can still get it with one so you may not have dodged a bullet anyway.

 

You are going through the initial stages of the diagnosis and those are really hard...i am in month 9 and trust me it does get easier but i have my sad days too. It will get better. I went to therapy...still going....to help me get over it.....first 2 months all i spoke about was herpes...now its just peppered in my sessions and i talk about what i want out of life...can't believe it!!! You will be ok...trust me....do things to help yourself heal. I am going to this h opp weekend thingy and it would be good foryou to go too if you can. It's in NC and it will help you realize that you are still worthy with herpes!!!

 

ANyway, you can be sad, it's all new to you, but don't be sad too long, herpes sucks but there are wayyyyy worse things and so many people have it....every herpes person in the world can't be miserable, can they?!

 

Vent on here anytime.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Lesson2belearned

 

First - Hello and Welcome!

 

You have a great screen name .... because getting H is EXACTLY that ... a lesson to be learned. We have inspirational stories on here every day from people who have woke up one day and realized that their life is BETTER with Herpes because they have learned to love themselves, to be more empathetic and patient with others, who have learned how to choose better partners (because they usually get to know them better before jumping into having sex because of the need for disclosure), and who have found joy themselves helping others on here who are struggling.

 

So you got one hell of a lesson .... one that I wish was emphasized more on PSA's and in Sex Ed class ..... just asking someone if they are "clean" (though we prefer "STD-Free" here as "clean" implies that having an STD is "Dirty" ;) ) is not enough. Even with a condom on you would have only had a 50% protection rate from HSV and HPV.

 

And I'm going to put one other fact out there .... be glad she didn't tell you she was pregnant. Really. Almost sounded like that was her agenda .... You get to leave her and her cold-arse behind whereas with a baby, you would be forever connected to her.

 

So here's a little "Tough Love" for ALL YOU MEN out there:

 

I don't care if she SAYS she's on BC ... if you don't want a baby, WRAP IT UP! My daughter got pregnant on BC and her then BF tried to "joke" that she did it on purpose to keep him around ... she eventually woke up to the fact that he was a drug addict and left him and is now raising the child with no financial support from him. And my granddaughter was his SECOND Boo-Boo baby....

 

*gets off soapbox*

 

So - where were we???!!!

 

Ah yes - I'm *guessing* that she actually didn't know about her status, that she was rebounding and hence why she was so eager to jump in bed with you (I've been on the other end of a couple rebounders and I'm starting to see the pattern). It's just a sad thing that she was so ugly to you when she likely is suffering and is as scared and confused as you are. But personally, I tell people that Herpes is a GREAT Wingman - it will show you a person's true colors and it sounds like even if she is generally a "good" person, there is a dark side to her that you don't need to be around. ;)

 

Tell everyone woman I sleep with? Not tell them use protection? What do I do?

 

Yes - we believe on here that disclosure is necessary both because they deserve to have the CHOICE in how/what they do (regarding protection and progression in the relationship). I mean, wouldn't YOU have preferred to have that choice? If you wanted her that bad I bet you could have got to a store and got a non-latex condom for starters ;)

 

You can greatly reduce their risk by taking the anti-virals and using condoms. The risk will depend on whether you have H1 or H2 so it would be a good thing to get tested/swabbed with a type specific test ASAP.

 

Am I a leper?

 

Nope. Not even close. Although I know that feeling, you are not oozing contamination from your pores. The majority of the time you won't even be shedding. The only thing is that you will need to get to know your body better (so you recognize a likely prodrome from a regular irritation/etc), and you will learn to manage stress and your health in general better because Herpes is one of the "First Responders" to stress and poor health. Having H will force you to make all kinds of better life choices, and that's not a bad thing! And we have TONS of success stories on here (97 in the actual category ... many more that slipped through the cracks because they started as a question about how to disclose or whatever and never got changed over) of mostly discordant couples (one H+ one H-). I'd guess we get 5 success stories for every "failure" ... and most of the so called failures were with someone who turned out to not be as good a catch as the poster though they were once they saw their reaction.

 

And I hate to tell you this but you need to have a conversation with the other girl. She needs to be tested but it may not show up in her blood work for at least 4 months ... but if she gets any suspicious sores she needs to get them swabbed.

 

Check these links out first - they will help you to get some reality around the virus ... keep reading and posting here ... you will get through this - promise :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Info/education:

 

FAQs:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1758/frequently-asked-questions-on-herpes-and-popular-conversations

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Great reads

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/ (my blog)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3296/this-is-water-this-is-water- Choice

 

Herpes facts video

[seeker]

hey, don't beat yourself up. I always used condoms and still got H. Im almost guessing that she "knew" and was mad at the world and in a don't give an F state of mind. it was cold her reaction but that is ON HER!. I agree that you need to talk with the other girl and I know that has the potential to be hard based on your relationship with her, but she has to know. someone took your right to make a choice away and it sucks, do you want to be the same type of person??? hell, ive thought ' well I could always go see an escort, who cares?" but even then I feel it wouldn't be right to possibly secretively give it to her ( not to mention all the others she may come in contact with). you need to live with yourself. no your not a leper, you have a frakin rash that's in a giggly spot, if it were on your arm no one would give a rats arse about it and up until about 35 years ago, they didn't. it helped me a ton to talk with a friend about it, he had been thru cancer 2x and other crap also so his perspective was a smack upside the head for me. good luck and keep your head up. breath in, breathe out.

[Lesson2belearned]

Thank you so much guys, yes I do need to talk to the other girl. I just don't know how and I'm guessing she knew as well. It was my choice and now I'm dealing with the consequences it's nice to know you guys care and this site is awesome with all the support. It's helped alot. I have already thought about the way I felt and am still feeling I NEVER want to make anyone feel that way. EVER. I'm not evil I'm not a party guy who's fueled with alcohol. I'm a good guy. I have to just learn how to have "the talk" do I tell the story? Do I just say I made a mistake, although this is not a terminal virus. It's a virus that will stay with me for life. I'm very grateful it's not something worse. Thank you guys for the support.

[whitedaisies]

You did not make a mistake...how was what you did a mistake? You had sex...everyone has it and wants it....you got unlucky. That is not a mistake. You were deceived...hard to say that is a mistake!!! There are consequences to everything we do...every decision we make...some are more difficult than others. You will get thru this...millions of people out there just like you!!!

 

I am sure you are a good guy....when you are ready to have the talk there are lots of examples on here for you to use....Dancer always has good advice here. Most important is to find someone you feel is worthy to have the talk with...eh?

[WCSDancer2010]

@Lesson2belearned

 

"The talk" ... it can come out in so many fashions. And every one you have will be different. It all depends on how long you have known the person, how much they already know about H, if you are in a casual or LTR, etc.

 

Read all the "Success Stories" that you can on here... the general theme is that they let the other person know that they feel they care enough for them to share something very personal with them and that they are entrusting them with their vulnerability. They let the other person know the facts... sometimes with the story of how they got it... and then let them know that they feel that they should have the CHOICE that we didn't have to continue the relationship or not....

 

For anyone reading who may have had H for awhile... if you are telling someone from a past relationship, you just want them to know that you care enough about them to want to make sure that they get tested (you can say you just learned that it's not automatically tested in the standard STD tests) because you yourself were likely not tested back then either if you are not sure when you got it.

 

However you do it, whatever you say, if it comes from a place of love for the other (not saying you are IN love, but that you care enough about them to be concerned for their health and welfare) it will be "successful" no matter what their reaction is, because YOU have done the right thing. If the choose to end the relationship, maybe they were not meant to continue to be in your life....they are choosing another life path. Be thankful for what you have experienced and learned with them and let them go. Your time with them is done, at least for now. They may come back, they may not, but whatever happens you have kept your integrity and done what is right. And that is all that matters in the long run ;)

[lala83]

Let me first say reading your story really brought back memories for me. I was diagnosed in May and it is still difficult for me to cope with. The man who gave me HSV1 was really passive about it and didn't even get checked which kind of told me he already knew. Some people are just cold hearted and self centered.I used to beat myself up for making that bad decision to not use protection. Now i look at it as a lesson learned and I have forgiven myself for it hope you can do the same. I still have my days where i feeling down but i have hope that it will get easier. Wishing you the best.