New to the site

Sonya76 · September 9, 2014

Hello,

I am new to this site and wanted to share my story with the group. I started dating this guy August of last year and before him, I had been single for over a year and was content with that. Well the guy I started dating was someone I went to high school with so I said to myself I know him so this shouldn't be hard seeing if he is on my level since we are from the same home town. Well to make a long story short, we dated for a couple of months and I started asking him questions in regards to going to the doctor and having STD test and he stated that he didn't go to the doctor and he doesn't have any STDs. Well in October of last year, I started feeling funny after we were intimate and I asked him was there anything I needed to know and of course he stated no. I went to the doctor and told him I thought I had a yeast infection because I was feeling funny. They gave me an STD test and it came back negative for STDs but I had bacterial vaginosis. I was given antibiotics and it cleared up within a few days. So I told my boyfriend what the doctor stated I had and told him that he needed to go and get checked and get tested for everything. Of course he promised he would, but didn't. Months went by and I made him wear condoms but some nights he didn't and out of one of those nights, I feel that I caught this virus from him. We broke up in May of this year and when I started feeling funny again in June, I went back to the doctor to get tested for everything this time. A few weeks later, my results came back positive for HSV 2. I was devastated and I still am. I contacted him and told him, and of course he said I didn't get it from him and I was messing with other guys when we were in a relationship which wasn't true. He has moved on since then within a few weeks he started talking to another Woman and he isn't using protection with her either. I know I can't put all the blame on him because I felt something wasn't right with him when we were intimate. What I mean by that is, he would always say after intercourse to go and wash up and I would always ask why. I feel he knows something is wrong with him and he doesn't want to admit it and go and get checked because there were times where I wouldn't be intimate with him because I would check him down there and he would have scabs and I would ask what is that and he would say he didn't know or he cut himself shaving.

It hurts me to my heart to know a person knows they have something wrong with them and they will continue to have unprotected sex with as many women as he possibly can. He would verbally abuse me and accuse me of dealing with other Men and that is the main reason I had to leave him alone, but to know that I've contracted this virus from him, is depressing. I have my days where I don't want to talk to anyone or deal with anyone. I feel no other Man will understand this situation or the virus and want a true relationship with me. It's even more devastating for me because I preach to my kids all the time to use protection at all times, and I didn't with him because I thought our relationship was truly stable and marriage was in our future. Also it bothers me how the doctor was so non nonchalant about the diagnosis, like it's normal. To me this situation isn't normal!! I wanted to sue him for this, but she told me that I couldn't prove that he gave it to me. I know in my heart it was him. Before him, I was receiving annual exams and STD test and everything was okay. She also stated I would be more humiliated than him having to relive the entire story again. So I decided to try and cope with it and not sue him. How do you move on and tell someone you are interested in getting to know that you have HSV2? It's truly embarrassing and I feel so dirty. I just wish I could go back to last August and have not even entertained this Man because now this is something I have to live with for the rest of my life.

I have to start each and every relationship going forward having to share this situation with that person if I feel we may get serious and be intimate. This is truly depressing!! And to know you may be rejected, is even worse.

WCSDancer2010 · September 9, 2014

@Sonya76

Well, one thing I have learned as a woman is that if I have a gut feeling about something, I need to listen to it .. and if guy isn't willing to get an STD test, I move on. Lets just say I've learned from *my* mistakes .... because I've done exactly what you did here... and I know we are far from alone on this one. It's so easy to compromise when we just want love .... and there are plenty of people (men AND women) who will take advantage of that.

That said, odds are he DOES know he has H and he's likely bought into the stigma so much that he thinks the only way he will find love is to pretend it's not there. The guilt and blame he projected onto you was his own. It's a shame he did not find a place like this when he first got it ... perhaps you would not be here if he had. :(

That said, while yes, you will have to reveal this part of you to any possible partner, we have TONS of success stories on here (we have a whole section devoted to it here and I can tell you that we get several success stories on here EVERY WEEK and many were just like you a few short months (or perhaps a little longer) ago. I'm going to post links to a couple of my favorites, but go check that section out ... I'm touched and moved every time I read that someone had overcome their fear of rejection and allowed themselves to be vulnerable... AND succeeded in not only disclosing but in taking their relationships to a whole new level.

How can that be? A whole new level? I tell people on here all the time (and I'm proven right time after time too) that Herpes is an amazing Wingman ... you will find that you will weed out the jerks much faster and that when you DO find Mr Right, you will know it because he will love you UNCONDITIONALLY ... H and all :)

Also it bothers me how the doctor was so non nonchalant about the diagnosis, like it's normal. To me this situation isn't normal!!

Well - to THEM, it's an every day thing to see H in their office. To THEM, it's a nuisance virus in an inconvenient place. To THEM, there are FAR worse things that they see come through their office every day. And to THEM, they can't understand how/why people continue to buy into the stigma as much as they do.

Rejection? It's part of life. H is just another deal breaker in a long list of deal breakers ... which means that some will accept you with it and some won't. I don't want to date a guy with young kids. Nothing wrong with young kids ... someone else will love those guys ... but it's something *I* don't want to deal with. And how we REACT to rejection is a primal response that no longer serves us ... see the links for more on that ;)

As for suing the guy - yes, you could in many states. And yes, the Dr is right - YOU would have to re-live everything, YOU would have to come up with proof that he already knew. YOU would be asked things like, "If you were suspicious, why didn't you insist on condoms? Why did you even have sex with him if you saw something that worried you?". The burden of proof would be put on you. Now, if another woman ends up getting if from him after all this, you *might* be able to team up because you have asked him several times to get tested. But really, is it worth it?

Or perhaps you can turn your energies to educating others about STD's. Make sure all your female friends know that no matter how much they love the guy, if he won't get tested, there's likely a very good reason. That you even need to ask about Cold Sores, because half of all new Genital cases are H1 from oral sex. You don't have to come out like me ... just say you decided to research STD's because you are back on the market and you learned all this stuff that people are not being told.

You have a choice of where you go from here ... you can blame it for all of your problems or you can empower others because of your experience and come out of this stronger than you ever imagined. ;)

(((HUGS)))

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3296/this-is-water-this-is-water- Choice

Rejection

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection