After 30 years, I still have so many unanswered questions...

[FF1]

 

Hello,

 

I'd like to begin by thanking everyone in advance for their input to my questions. The Internet is a fountain of knowledge; some accurate and some inaccurate. I am hoping that after 30 years of living with H, I can get some real, reliable answers to so many questions.

 

I was only 22 years old when I found out the hard way that I had H. It was my first experience with intimacy and something that I wanted for a few years already. Then, an opportunity for which I wasn't ready presented itself. I took a chance and it is something I have regretted ever since.

 

When I first found out, I had no one to turn to. Even my physician wasn't sure what it was when he looked and sent me over to a specialist who diagnosed what he saw as genital herpes. He was cold and unsupportive and just told me to "live with it". I was devastated; I felt disgusted with myself and just plain filthy.

 

I considered pulling myself from the dating scene but then decided dating was okay, ending the relationship when intimacy became almost impossible to avoid.

 

Then, I met a girl where I could not end the relationship; I felt too strongly about her and decided that I would take a chance and tell her how I felt. My thinking was that I was ending past relationships because it would be a deal-breaker for any woman. Why was I answering the question for them? Why not tell them and let them decide; let them disqualify me instead of disqualifying myself. I told her and to my joy, she was okay with it.

 

Her rules were that I had to promise not to engage her with intimacy when I felt an event coming on and to keep myself off limits until things cleared up. At first, we used condoms. But she was on the pill too and eventually, the sex was unprotected. That relationship went on for over ten years. During that time, she never told me, nor did I observe any signs of H. If she has tested positive since the relationship ended, she never told me.

 

I repeated the same process a few years later in a new relationship. While it didn't last as long as the previous relationship, the results were the same; unprotected most of the time. She never told me, nor did I observe any signs of H. Again, if she tested positive since the relationship ended, she never told me.

 

After a few years off, I began dating and in June, met a nice girl. After a few months of dating, the subject of intimacy came up and as is my practice, I informed her. Her facial expression was not one of understanding and compassion, but she seemed to accept it.

 

The next time I saw her, I sensed that something was troubling her. When I asked her, she told me that she had gone on the Internet to research. She said that the more she read on the subject, the worse she felt. She hoped to read that it wasn't a big deal, but everything she read told her it was a very big deal. I suddenly found myself feeling disgusted and filthy all over again.

 

I told her that it was important to vet the sites she was relying on for information and that my experience contradicted much of what she was telling me she read. She said she wasn't interested in hearing about my experience, but without being allowed to add my experience to what she has read, we probably have read the same things and I would have nothing new to add. Isn't adding my personal experience to what is available on line important information for her to have? Shouldn't my personal experiences be important for her to consider when trying to make an informed decision?

 

I am happy to say that she has not disqualified me but she labors under a lot of assumptions that I believe are untrue. I apologize profusely for such a long winged post, but now I have some questions too:

 

1. I understand that the virus, when dormant, resides in a nerve group at the base of the spine. When you have an event, it is because the virus replicates and travels to the nerve endings where it manifests itself as a small red spot or blistering. I have never had a event in or around my mouth. Can I give genital H to my partner if I perform oral sex on her when I have genital H only?

 

She believes that the virus courses through your body, and I could easily give her Genital Herpes if I perform oral sex on her because the virus is present in my saliva. I know this to be untrue. Can someone clear this up for me?

 

2. I was recently over her house and was helping her with some yard work. We planned to have some dinner when we were done. Expecting to get sweaty, I brought a change of clothes. When we were done, she offered me a shower. She was acting uneasy. She gave me a towel and was sure to keep tabs on which was mine. Then, she inquired if I was having an outbreak before giving me permission to use her bar soap. Is this a concern? Can she get genital herpes from using the same bar of soap as I ?

 

I also have to say that I felt her inquiry was inappropriate. I mean; if this is a relationship, shouldn't she trust me to protect her and let her know when I am having an event? So, was the inquiry inappropriate or am I sensitive?

 

I'm going to stop here and give people time to respond. Thank you in advance and again, I'm sorry for such a long-winded post.

 

Thank you,

 

Fact Finding.

[lasko]

i think its unwise to share the same towel during an OB other then that dont believe it matters

[seeker]

fuckstockings, she is totally wrong. herpes is absolutely NOT in our blood. if it were it would get nuked by our immune systems. the only way to catch it is direct contact with a sore or shedding, which is from the same area and NOT ALL THE TIME!!!!! if you use antivirals, body awareness and protection she has less of a chance catching from you than the myriad number of people who have it and don't know.

 

tell your lady to use some rational thought, IF it were that easily transmitted, she would probably have it from just using your toilet or eating at your house. There are numerous stories of people having and raising H- children, with all the potholes life with children bring. ive heard of mothers who have H2 bathing with their babies. I myself have a 12 y/o and while I only was diagnosed about 1 1/2 months ago I figured out my first OB was about a year ago so, every member of my family should have it by your girls understanding.

[WCSDancer2010]

1) Can I give genital H to my partner if I perform oral sex on her when I have genital H only?

 

Have you been blood tested for both HSV1 and 2? Certainly you can't pass the gential HSV through oral sex to her - the virus does not travel through the body to other areas. However, 80% of the population has H1 orally so if you happened to test positive for that AND she didn't then you would need to be cautious with oral sex. I'm guessing that is where she is getting confused.... I'll attach the links to Adrials handouts and Ebook - print them out for her and that may help. ;)

 

BTW, has she been tested???? If not, she really shouldn't be talking till she knows HER status ;)

 

2) Tell her I have 2 daughters, and I have had H for 35 yrs ... had them when we didn't have all this scary crap on the internet.... I shared towels with them and soap and whatnot ... while it's not likely to pass if you have an OB through towels (because it should die quickly on the towel) I would say that would be the one time I would just be cautious about sharing towels then ... maybe use a smaller hand towel for your genital area. Otherwise you should be fine ;)

 

I also have to say that I felt her inquiry was inappropriate. I mean; if this is a relationship, shouldn't she trust me to protect her and let her know when I am having an event?

 

Well, to be honest, many here got H because they didn't ask the right questions ... the problem is she is likely reading crap from sources that can't be trusted. Show her the handouts and the video I'm posting, and tell her she can come on here and ask her own questions if she wants, or she can Skype with Adrial who can set her straight. If she wants to talk to a Dr she can do a consult with the Dr at Westover Heights clinic. All info below ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Adrial's contact info: 919.968.8818 or email adrial@adrialdesigns.com

 

Dr. Lisa Taulbee at the Westover Heights Clinic,http://westoverheights.com/ (503) 226-6678 $5/minute phone consult

 

http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/

 

http://herpeslife.com/keeping-your-partner-herpes-free-can-be-super-sexy/

 

Herpes facts video

 

[Scared4this]

Do you have hsv1 or hsv2 genitally? These two behaves a bit different so hsv1 is a bit less troublesome as the outbreak and virus shedding is much less and hsv2 is more active and ploy may get more frequent outbreak.

Have your female friend been tested? More than 50% of US population have antibody for hsv1 so if she already have hsv1 orally and you have hsv1 genitally ... Then it would be no concern as it will be extremely rare to be infected in another area once you have it in one place for awhile.

 

So I would recommend you ask her to test as it is only fair since you are being open she should be too. In addition, both should be tested for other stds like hpv , hep a, b and c and HIV. There is no test for guys for hpv ... So you want to be sure she confirms her status. I think it's so extremely kind of people who have H to disclosure but don't forget to protect yourself too! There are other stds that can cause more damage than H.

 

Good luck with you both and hope it will turn into a beautiful journey!

 

God bless, S

[FF1]

 

I have never been tested. I was diagnosed by my doctor based on visual inspection when I had my first OB. My OBs have been confined to the genital area; never in all the years has anything appeared in or around my mouth.

 

I'm going to take an educated guess (and I know there is no excuse to guess), but I am going to say that I carry HSV1 as my OBS are few and far between (2 or 3 per year) and very mild. Usually within 5 days, all indicators are gone.

[WCSDancer2010]

@FF1

 

You should go get blood tested friend ... simply because if you are sexually active it helps to know if you have H1 (which could transfer to the other person via oral sex as well as genital sex) or H2 (which makes Oral Sex much less risky).... AND if the other person has one or the other , then you know if you need to use protection or not. If you have H1, odds are really in your favor that most partners will have it orally or genitally as 80% of the population has it ... but most just don't know it... so you would want to make sure they get tested before you get freaky ;)

 

You can't go on the frequency/severity of OB's to tell which one you have. AGAIN, 80% of the population doesn't know they have Herpes because they don't have OB's or they are so mild they just shrug them off as a rub or rash (which is what I did for 5 years until my now-ex-husband caught it from me :( )

 

While I am sure you have HSV (given your recurrent OB's) ... NO doctor should be giving a diagnosis simply by a visual exam. Period.

[FF1]

 

What is the best type of doctor to see for this? Urologist, Immunologist? I found my GP to be almost useless.

[WCSDancer2010]

For a guy I would say Planned Parenthood, and STD clinic, or Urologist. Guys don't tend to use Urologists like we women do our OBGYN's so I'm not totally sure how up to date they are .... I would lean toward PP or the STD clinic simply because Herpes diagnosis are a daily thing for them so they would know how to help you... in fact, I'd take your GF with you to PP and ask THEM to clear up her misconceptions ... she's more likely to listen to them than you, and you can both get tested together ;)

[forgivenessandpeace]

@FF1 I'm so sorry to hear of the pain and self-loathing that accompanied your h diagnosis. It's hard enough having this virus in the internet age when we can get support, I can't imagine how lonely it must have felt back in the 80's. (Although my kids tell me I'm lucky I got to live in the 80's, haha.)

 

Your post has brought me sooo much hope! You have not one but TWO fantastic disclosure success stories! As for the "nice girl" you're dealing with now, well she seems to be not the sharpest tool in the shed. It's clear from the way you express yourself and the responsibility with which you disclose, you have an above average intellect and a good heart. So my conclusion is that this lady is not good enough for you. You can do WAY better.

 

 

[FF1]

 

@Forgiveness - Thank you for those kind words. Yes, there was much about her that I found to be desirable (and I am not talking physically). As I continued to try and educate her, it was more than ignorance. It became clear that there were many other emotional issues in play.