Need advice....please!!

[Tenancity66]

I need advice..Contracted herpes 4 years ago from a sociopath, I was 44. I have dated a few men I told, one relationship lasted 2 years. I never infected any of them. I have it below my stomach near my hairline. Which, with precautions, I think has helped me be successful in not passing it along. I met someone new, we have become very close very fast, things were getting hot and heavy between us, so I had the talk with him. Since the talk the hot and heavy has stopped but he is still around. Said he wants to give it some time. Its been 2 months. We spend every Sunday with our kids eating family dinner, we are together 3-4 days a week, we are a couple but there is still no sex. When we talk about it he says, he knows he needs to make a decisions. I feel like its never gonna happen and I feel like he is stringing me along. I know he cares deeply for me but how long can we go like this?I fell like I need to pull the trigger. He has agreed to therapy, we go mid December.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Tenancity66

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

Well, sounds like he is really into YOU, which he has prioritized over getting INTO you for now. AKA... without Herpes he would have jumped in bed with you first and figured it out later (which leads to many broken hearts :( ) Your telling him made him take pause and consider what/who YOU are to him, and whether he is comfortable at taking a risk of contracting something for love. It's a valid consideration and obviously one that he is not taking lightly.

 

I think the therapy idea is a good one but I would scope out the therapist first on your own and make sure that he/she is totally non-judgmental about your having Herpes. Sadly there are therapists out there who (perhaps unwittingly) allow their personal ideas/culture/etc, to interfere with their work and you need someone who will not bring that to the table. Perhaps have one session on your own where you take the materials that Adrial has made available to them and go over the realities of what it's like to live with Herpes ... even send them here to read some of the discussions so they truly understand the complexity of the situation on both sides. Don't discuss your relationship ... this is about making sure that the therapist is equipped to give an informed and balanced guidance for the two of you.

 

BTW, thanks for bringing this up... I just got an idea for another blog :)

 

Do remember that Herpes makes a great Wingman ... it has already shown you that this man isn't just looking to have a sex buddy, he's really considering whether this relationship is something that is right for him AND trying to figure out his own personal issues with regards to the risk of getting an STD. When we disclose we have to remember that we are giving the other person a CHOICE that most of us here were not given and that they may love us dearly but if they are not able to process the worry about getting something that at least *seems* pretty scary and that has an undeserved stigma attached to it, well, they are not a good person for you either because I've heard too many stories of someone who has a partner who just freaks out every time they have sex because they get over sensitive and think every little bump and itch is Herpes, and that isn't fun either. If it's in their nature to be that way, (and BTW that kind of anxiety will show up in other places ;) ) then they are not a good match for us :(

 

Heres my Wingman blog and a discussion that helps you to see how it can play out in reality:

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

Here's the info for your Therapist ... and many give it to your guy too before you go in, have HIM read it too ... so that everyone is on board with the facts and you can get right down to dealing with how it's affecting your relationship ;)

 

(((HUGS))) and keep us posted :)

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum

 

Herpes facts video

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Dancer had some great advice, and perhaps the therapist will help, but have you considered making an appointment with a doctor to discuss any concerns or address any questions about him contracting the virus? Maybe this is something you guys have already done, but perhaps talking to specialist such as those at westover heights clinic might be a good option as well? Knowledge is power, right? And coming from medical specialist, it might be easier for him to come to terms with the risk. Just a thought. Hope it works out for you guys!

[Tenancity66]

The therapist is mine.I met with her yesterday.She suggested talking to my gyn or a medical dr as well.

[WCSDancer2010]

That's always a good idea too because the OBGYN can explain everything to him and answer his questions :)

 

And the Westover Heights suggestion is good too - they are $5.min but if he wan't to talk to a "specialist" they are the ones to go to

 

Westover Heights Clinic,http://westoverheights.com/ (503) 226-6678

 

[Tenancity66]

I live on the East Coast. It would be a long drive to the Westoverheights Clinic :)

[PositivelyBeautiful]

You can schedule a call with a doctor there; as Dancer said, it's $5/minute but they know their stuff when it comes to herpes. So, they can directly inform and address any questions he/you might have. Just something to consider. I called them when I first was diagnosed and it was worth every penny.

[Tenancity66]

Ohhhh OK! Thank you so much good info and the replies. I am scared to death that he is going to walk. I adore this man and I think the feeling is mutual. Sadly, I understand the how this could end up. In my gut, he has already made his decision, its not have sex with me. Maybe he is waiting for me to cut the relationship off.

[WCSDancer2010]

Not necessarily. To be honest, Herpes is giving you two time to get to know each other without the clouding effect of hormones. That is a rare thing nowadays and we see it as part of the "Herpes Opportunity" ... and believe me, he's a man so if he didn't value you he would have walked LONG ago if he wasn't getting sex.

 

I had a guy who FREAKED for a month before we had sex.... but he came around in the end. We've had plenty of people whose partners slowed things way down until they KNEW that was the person they wanted to be with.

 

Don't give up just yet. Give him time and see how the therapy goes. And BTW, the fact that he's willing to do therapy is another HUGE brownie point for him because many men wouldn't do that either ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Tenancity66]

Here is an update. I write this with tears flowing from my eyes. We went to therapy, he loved it, he was totally into it. After the session, he said we need to move forward. That never happen..... one day he got angry with me, told me he cant do it and ended our relationship. I am devastated.

[sf65xx]

I am very sorry it worked out this way for you.

[WCSDancer2010]

Well then, sounds like he has other things going on internally ... to flip that fast .... perhaps you are seeing how he deals with stressful situations... (ie, not well) ... so maybe you are actually dodging a bullet here. Either way, I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out like you hoped it would. I've had 4 "false starts" in the last few years and it's not fun....

 

(((HUGS)))