How it all happened...

[kate33]

It was last February when I had lost 40 pounds, gained a ton of self confidence after leaving my ex of two years (a relationship that inevitably was going no where), and went back into the dating scene. After joining an online dating website, I found a match of a man a lot older than myself, that was incredibly handsome. With my new found confidence I met with him later that week and was head over heels. Great looking, confident, intelligent, charming, and a complete gentlemen. Despite the 11 year age difference, myself being 22 and him being 33, we were able to hold conversations for hours with no awkwardness.

 

A couple months passed and things started to get more serious. We were seeing each other every night, basically living with one another, and talking about our future together. Being so naive, I saw that a possibility, despite from the beginning him telling me he doesn't want a marriage, nor did he want children (both things that I do want in the long run). I didn't see this as a deal breaker, as I'm in school and have other priorities right now. Despite our differences, I wanted my family and friends to meet this mystery man and see first hand how amazing he is. Needless to say, no one was happy. My best friend of years told me I'm blind to the fact of how controlling he is of me. (I have an incredibly strong personality, wanting to be a lawyer, and liked the fact that he wouldn't let me walk all over him.) My mother told me to be careful, as he suffers from PTSD after being in the military and has a habit of drinking his sorrows away every night.

 

Despite their advice, I didn't listen. I continued to be in a relationship with him. I was blind to what obviously was a very toxic relationship, and a man that ultimately is too old and too cynical for me. Things started to talk a turn about four months into the relationship. His controlling ways in the bedroom became unbearable. Things had to be his way, and anything sexual with him started to become revolting to me.

 

This one night I was laying in bed with him completely exhausted. I looked over and knew he wanted to make love, despite my lack of desire. Against my will, he thrust himself into me. Pounding on top of me despite my crying pain. I woke up and couldn't walk. My body in immense pain. My emotions all over the place after realizing he had literally raped me. I tried urinating and had a burning sensation I had never felt before. Everything was inflamed. I tried three days of drinking tons of liquid. It became unbearable after going out in the beach one morning. I tried going to the bathroom and could no longer urinate. That same day I went to the gynecologist. She looked at my "area" for not even five seconds and told me I was having a herpes outbreak. I couldn't breath. What I thought was another UTI or yeast infection was an STD. An STD from someone I thought had loved me, and wouldn't give that to me. I went into shock. My mind wandered... did he know he had it? Have I been played? Was this some sort of sick joke to him?

 

To this day I cannot accept the fact that I have this sickness. I am still with this same partner because of the fact that I cannot even fathom disclosing having herpes to any future potential partners. I learned my lesson the hard of way of having unprotected sex, and just believing a partner when they tell you they are "clean". Everyday is a constant struggle. I was diagnosed only six months ago. I have these crazy mood swings with my partner because he is in complete denial of the possibility of even giving me herpes. I hope in time things will become easier, I gain the strength to leave him, and find someone that can love me for me, and not have herpes ruin my chances of finding my Prince Charming.

 

I suppose the moral of my story is that everyone needs to be careful when having intercourse with another, especially unprotected. I've read great stories on here that have given me hope that I can be loved despite what has unfortunately happened to me.

 

I have to believe I will be okay.

[stars468]

Your story makes me so sad!! and it really struck me because I was in an almost identical situation. I too am currently pursuing a advanced career (my phD)I was 23, he was 33, and the age difference never seemed to be an issue, we just clicked and fit so perfectly to me, and like you my family and friends cautiously liked him because he made me so happy....but alarm bells went off early on on how controlling and manipulative he was of me, and he also had his dark side he refused to address or deal with from his PTSD in the military and his ex-wife who had done a number on him while he was deployed. HE too, had herpes, except for me he did disclose to me before we became sexually intimate. Even tho I took that risk for him, and all the promises of love, and that he took necessary precautions, all that were there until my dreams became "inconvenient" for him because I wouldn't quit school to give him what he wanted immediately. He left me, and then I was diagnosed with herpes, which I just learned was a mis-diagnosis and I am thankfully negative. but I can relate to the feelings of no one loving me for me, because I dealt with that for 3 months before getting my diagnosis cleared up.

 

My first thing is - you need to get out of this relationship, regardless of the herpes. I know I don't know you, but if you are not happy, you deserve SO much more than what this man is giving you, and staying with him just because you have herpes and are afraid of no one accepting you is not fair to you. Because even though I was distraught after my ex ended things, and was devastated thinking that I not only lost him but gained his herpes, I realized that relationhsip was toxic. he didn't believe in me, he belittled my aspirations for my career, for marriage, for kids, for what I wanted out of life he always put down, or made me feel small. And herpes or no herpes, no one deserves that kind of controlling manipulating love. If this man doesn't respect you enough to not even listen when you say NO to sexual intercourse, then he is not worthy of you. NO means NO regardless of if you are in a relationship or not and that part of your story breaks my heart. No one should ever touch you without your consent.

 

I know you might not think I am that helpful since I am now negative for H...but let me just say that knowledge is power. Keep looking on this forum, read up on information, know everything you can about the virus because honestly, it really helps you realize that at the end of the day, this is just a skin condition, the problem is the stigma. Even though I too was depressed and distraught when I thought I had H, I probably would put myself at risk again if the man I was seeing was someone I had the same strong feelings for and could imagine my future with. Plus, the chances of transmission once you take all of the necessary precautions is so small, its like the same risk of getting pregnant even when we are using a bunch of different methods of birth control. If a man cares about you for you, this is not going to be a deal breaker, and if It is well you don't want to be with someone who can't handle this anyway. If they can;t deal with herpes, how can they deal with the bigger tougher issues that are really important. The more information I read up on and knew, the better it made me feel because I felt like when the time came to disclose, I would be able to explain everything thoroughly and make it clear how like yes there is a risk, but this is not life threatening and as long as everyone is informed and practicing safe practices, the risk is small. Its only a skin condition, its non-life threatening, and its just the location that makes it super annoying. It is definitely scary, I had begun seeing a guy right before my mis-diagnosis at the time, and was preparing myself to disclose after the holidays, but then I found out that my diagnosis was wrong a few days ago, and he already told me he didn't want to date me so now its a non-issue but I am glad I waited before having sex for sure since he didn't want a relationship. But you deserved to be cared for and cherished, herpes or no herpes!!!!

 

Also - what kind of testing did you have done? Because visual diagnosis is not enough, was it a swab and culture? or just a blood test? because that had been my problem, I hadn't any bumps at the time I saw my dr, I just asked for the tat since I knew my ex had it. I had the blood IgG and when told the results, just said I was "positive" and it wasn't until doing my own research that I learned that anything between 1.1-3.5 is considered very low positive, and about 40-50% are false positives. So I went back, asked to see my actual numbers and found out I fell in that low positive category. My doctor didn't even know this was an issue, and through the support of people here I found out about the Western Blot test, which is like the gold standard of herpes testing, and that is when I learned that I was infact negative for both HSV1&2. and I had a real fear of it being positive, I knew my ex had it, and I had for several months been getting a lot of swollen bumps and irritation that would be painful and hurt and persist for a few days, sometimes a week so in my head, the diagnosis made sense. But then when I had these bumps and irritation swabbed, cultured and biopsy the results came back as not herpes, but just dermatitis. So I definitely recommend that you get a copy of your test results and make sure that everything is clear and that the diagnosis was done accurately, as clarity helps with peace of mind too. Even if you do have it, it is not the end of the world, and once you know how the virus effects you and how to treat it then you can know how to take care of yourself so it minimally effects you.

 

So i don't know if any of what I said helps, but please just think hard about what you want out of life and relationships, and if this man does not make you feel cherished, and amazing, and makes you happy, then you don't need to settle for him just because you have herpes. Even though my ex and I ended things about 3 months ago, I still get sad and a little depressed and miss him - even though I know he manipulated me, he lied, he was controlling and he was not good for me. When people care deeply, we just do and it makes these situations harder. From talking to people here and to doctors, SO many people have herpes, even genital herpes, and my mom is a nurse with labor and delivery and when I first came to her and told her all of this was going on in my life, she was just like "do you have any idea how many women I see daily giving birth with herpes? most are all happily married, and as long as you're not having an outbreak during birth regular vaginal birth is fine, even if you do come back as positive, its so easily treatable and manageable, you will be OK and loved" if you think about that - soooo many women seem to have been able to find happiness and family and love even with herpes! I know its easier said than done, but just remember you are worth it, and the right man will know that and make you feel treasured. I hope you keep on finding information and reading stories on here to help you gain strength and feel empowered again! You will be ok, and you will find the love that you deserve, don't give up!!

[WCSDancer2010]

@kate33

 

Honey - I'm with @stars ... get out.... NOW. Any man who will rape a woman ... especially someone they are meant to care for, is dangerous and at the very least, he is killing you slowly by killing your spirit with his controlling and ugly ways.

 

Why would you choose staying with someone like that over being alone? Because I can tell you that being lonely while lying next to someone is FAR more painful than being alone. The problems you have have nothing to do with the age difference ... the man is mentally ill (don't get me going on the long term damage these wars will be doing on the mental health of the people who served AND the people who love them :( ) and he needs help. YOU can't fix that. Right now you need to look after you.

 

You also need counseling about the rape...because for some reason, once a woman is raped she is far more likely to stay in a toxic relationship ... or to get into toxic relationships... because that kind of thing does damage to your psyche ... you are likely suffering your own form of PTSD and you should get some help for that... this link should have info that may help you...

 

http://centers.rainn.org/

 

Now, about your "diagnosis" ... I agree with @stars ... can you tell me how you were diagnosed? Because that kind of abuse to your body could have done damage that might have *looked* like herpes .... so without a swab, I would say you need to get tested again.... by now a blood test would give you a pretty accurate result if you are H+ ....

 

I hope we can help you to find the strength to do what you need to to get out of that relationship. You are still young ... you can find love (with or without H) ... I've had H for 35 yrs and I've had 3 wonderful relationships in that time ... 2 beautiful girls .... and a beautiful life ... and you can too ... but not where you are right now ..

 

((HUGS)))

[seeker]

give me his name and myself and a few friends will "have a talk" with him.

 

asshat, never, and I mean never put your hands on someone in any manner that is not loving. ( by both your standards)

[dreamingofsomeone167]

Oh @kate33, get out of that relationship. You deserve someone who loves and truly cares for you. It can be hard to leave and change is scary, but you must do it. Don't worry about someone right now,take time to heal and love yourself before going down that path.

About disclosing, I was as scared as anyone. I felt for sure I never could as I am very shy and can be insecure. Due to all the wonderful success stories on here I was able to. Although the relationship didn't work out (not sure H was an issue or not) the disclosure was SO freeing. You just know you did the right thing in disclosing so they can make an informed decision. Wish you strength as you move forward to living an incredible life.

[kate33]

@WCSDancer2010 Let me clarify, I went to the gyno and told them I didn't know what was happening, and was pretty sure I should go to the ER because I couldn't urinate, the inflammation was so terrible. The doctor looked at it and told me it was definitely herpes, after that she gave me swab test and I was called with the results that I have positive. Let me repeat that.... a phone call to tell me I have herpes. Very sensitive of the doctors office...

 

Regardless, I try to justify in my head that it wasn't rape. I try to think maybe he thought I was joking... despite may attempts to push him off of me (which was useless, I'm 110 pounds and he's 250 pounds). That night was so traumatic to me it's now a blur. No one knows about it. My closet friends know I am H positive, but think that he merely had it and gave it to me. They don't know what he did to me.

 

Thank you for all of the support. And @stars468 as well. It means everything to me when others tell me I can do better and to move on. By the way Stars, to say our relationship was exactly the same is an understatement. Both messed up men, that ultimately take complete advantage of younger women.

 

With more therapy and time I will have the strength I hope. Thank you again ladies :) I wish you both well, and a happy holidays!

[kate33]

@dreamingofsomeone167 Thank you for the advice. In time I do plan to move forward with myself, and leave him behind me. Have a happy holidays! Thank you for your loving words and the time you took to read my story. I know one day I will have that courage and strength to progress in my life.

[stars468]

@kate33 - you worry me when you start phrasing things rationalize it.....and I know I have done that too in my head, thinking that all the manipulative and sometime downright mean things my ex said were just me "misunderstanding" and "surely he couldn't have meant to come across like that" but the sad reality is, the only one I was trying to convince was myself, and the fact was that bad stuff happened. Don't go down that path! it doesn't matter if you might have been joking (which multiple attempts to push off....you were not joking hun) don't rationalize it. I know that its so much harder to admit to yourself that hey...this was wrong and it is not OK, because that makes everything more real, and that is scary. But I just worry for your own mental and emotional well-being - herpes is enough to process, you don't need this toxic relationship with its mind-games to mess with your head too. I have some experience with this, I have (unfortunately) been the out-cry witness to two different cases of rape with two different women I know, and I have seen it before and trust me - it will only cause more hurt to stay in this relationship. If it helps definitely pursue a therapy option, or maybe a close friend who you know will keep your confidence. You just need to take care of YOU, and maybe having a friend help with a dose of reality, as harsh as it may be, may help you gain the strength to get out. When I finally confided in my best friend about most of the things my ex had been doing, and how he had left me, she instantly stepped in and had been so supportive, while at the same time being blunt and curt about my not calling him, and when I started to rationalize his past emotionally abusive behavior, she would bluntly tell me "no girl, that is not what happened, this is what he did..." and just state it clearly so I would face that reality. It hurt, I never ached or felt so much emotional pain before in my life, but its pain that you will be better for in the end. I still feel it sometimes, but I know there is no going back and I wouldn't want to go back to that kind of living. Now I am trying to focus more on me, and what makes me happy alone, before I even consider another relationship. And I don't even know you, but I want that for you too!! You gotta make you happy and whole again, and then you'll be surprised how much more free you will feel and how much it will attract the right kind of men, mentally healthy men who know how to treat a woman right ;) and Those are the kind of men who will most likely not let something like herpes be a deal breaker, the kind of men who you deserve to attract and give a chance. You shouldn't have to settle for anything less than being happy!!!

[WCSDancer2010]

I try to justify in my head that it wasn't rape. I try to think maybe he thought I was joking... despite may attempts to push him off of me (which was useless, I'm 110 pounds and he's 250 pounds). That night was so traumatic to me it's now a blur. No one knows about it. My closet friends know I am H positive, but think that he merely had it and gave it to me. They don't know what he did to me.

 

Honey - this is soooo typical of a rape victim.... please look up that link I gave you and get yourself some proper counseling from a specialist who works with rape victims, NO MEANS NO ... he forced himself on you. Doesn't matter why. Again ... everything you are saying is sending off warning bells over here .... your "reasoning", the fact you haven't told anyone (glad you told us here ... because you need support to help you move on) and that you now feel tainted (typical even without Herpes) .... you need to get distance so you can see things more clearly....

 

(((HUGS)))