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How it all happened...


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It was last February when I had lost 40 pounds, gained a ton of self confidence after leaving my ex of two years (a relationship that inevitably was going no where), and went back into the dating scene. After joining an online dating website, I found a match of a man a lot older than myself, that was incredibly handsome. With my new found confidence I met with him later that week and was head over heels. Great looking, confident, intelligent, charming, and a complete gentlemen. Despite the 11 year age difference, myself being 22 and him being 33, we were able to hold conversations for hours with no awkwardness.


A couple months passed and things started to get more serious. We were seeing each other every night, basically living with one another, and talking about our future together. Being so naive, I saw that a possibility, despite from the beginning him telling me he doesn't want a marriage, nor did he want children (both things that I do want in the long run). I didn't see this as a deal breaker, as I'm in school and have other priorities right now. Despite our differences, I wanted my family and friends to meet this mystery man and see first hand how amazing he is. Needless to say, no one was happy. My best friend of years told me I'm blind to the fact of how controlling he is of me. (I have an incredibly strong personality, wanting to be a lawyer, and liked the fact that he wouldn't let me walk all over him.) My mother told me to be careful, as he suffers from PTSD after being in the military and has a habit of drinking his sorrows away every night.


Despite their advice, I didn't listen. I continued to be in a relationship with him. I was blind to what obviously was a very toxic relationship, and a man that ultimately is too old and too cynical for me. Things started to talk a turn about four months into the relationship. His controlling ways in the bedroom became unbearable. Things had to be his way, and anything sexual with him started to become revolting to me.


This one night I was laying in bed with him completely exhausted. I looked over and knew he wanted to make love, despite my lack of desire. Against my will, he thrust himself into me. Pounding on top of me despite my crying pain. I woke up and couldn't walk. My body in immense pain. My emotions all over the place after realizing he had literally raped me. I tried urinating and had a burning sensation I had never felt before. Everything was inflamed. I tried three days of drinking tons of liquid. It became unbearable after going out in the beach one morning. I tried going to the bathroom and could no longer urinate. That same day I went to the gynecologist. She looked at my "area" for not even five seconds and told me I was having a herpes outbreak. I couldn't breath. What I thought was another UTI or yeast infection was an STD. An STD from someone I thought had loved me, and wouldn't give that to me. I went into shock. My mind wandered... did he know he had it? Have I been played? Was this some sort of sick joke to him?


To this day I cannot accept the fact that I have this sickness. I am still with this same partner because of the fact that I cannot even fathom disclosing having herpes to any future potential partners. I learned my lesson the hard of way of having unprotected sex, and just believing a partner when they tell you they are "clean". Everyday is a constant struggle. I was diagnosed only six months ago. I have these crazy mood swings with my partner because he is in complete denial of the possibility of even giving me herpes. I hope in time things will become easier, I gain the strength to leave him, and find someone that can love me for me, and not have herpes ruin my chances of finding my Prince Charming.


I suppose the moral of my story is that everyone needs to be careful when having intercourse with another, especially unprotected. I've read great stories on here that have given me hope that I can be loved despite what has unfortunately happened to me.


I have to believe I will be okay.

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Firstly, let me dispel the myth about being "clean" or "dirty", hsv is a VIRUS not unlike any other virus one can catch, it does not discriminate and people who have it are not dirty. But I digress, Im literally in pain knowing that you stayed with a man who took advantage of you, this person doesn't deserve you, herpes or no herpes. Your chances of finding Prince Charming are still as high as they've ever been! Trust me when I tell you this, there are many people out there who are loving and accepting just waiting to meet you. Some of the veterans on this site have some amazing stories as proof of this. If you haven't already, scroll through and read some of their stories. I really hope that this pain you feel emotionally subsides and that you realize that you are a great person and are worthy of love! Herpes doesn't change that! Please take care of yourself <3

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Please, leave him. I know that this is easier said than done. You are worthy of love. I am positive that you are a beautiful person inside and out, but I can tell that you are hurting. I'm going to share wih you what my mother told me once, "I will never let the fact that I have herpes keep me in a bad relationship...and you shouldn't either. I love myself too much to settle for someone who doesn't treat me like I deserve to be treated just because I/we have herpes...and you should love yourself that much, too."


You can still find Prince Charming. H has a good way of weeding out the wrong people for you. Anyone who doesn't accept you as you are or puts you down because you have a common skin condition does not deserve you.


If you ever need to talk privately, please send me a private message. I was raped a little over a year ago and sexually assaulted several times as a younger teen. I unfortunately have plenty of experience dealing with the recovery process and I'm always willing to be a shoulder to lean on or to offer advice. There are also some wonderful books that helped me in my darkest hours: The Year After, Dear Sister, and Letters to Survivors.


Stay strong *hugs*

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@ivoryrain @Fairisle Thank you both for your kind words. I shed many tears reading them both.. and am trying to believe that Charming is somewhere out there and can accept me as I am. I wish you both a happy holiday! And despite my current emotional state, should either of you need someone to talk to I'm a great listener. Thank you for taking the time to read my story and offer your support. I'm very grateful :)

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