It Comes In Waves

[ShaeShae]

Christmas. . . The most AWFUL time of year!! I left my family gathering early yesterday, unable to stop crying. I drove home and spent the rest of the day alone. Merry F***ing Christmas, eh?

 

I felt good for a while after 'coming out'. My friends spoke to me of bravery, strength and courage. I am sinking back into an emotional low point though. My anxiety is running high which I can always tell by the fact that I'm nauseous and or vomiting every day again. And my appetite swings wildly from non existent to insatiable.

 

I dipped briefly into the dating pool. And after coming out via facebook, one guy I had gone on a couple dates with and had already "friend zoned" texted to let me know it doesn't change anything between us. Fantastic buuuuut. . . I could have sworn I'd already broke things off with him. But then it comes down to, what if he's the only guy that ever accepts this thing? But then I harbor ZERO attraction to him. In fact I find him irritating and silly. But still. He could save me from a life of solitude.

 

I checked out H+ dating sites and found literally FIVE GUYS in my area on there, all of whom are so clearly ashamed of their condition, they had no profiles to speak of. No photos, next to no information, nothing to otherwise attract my attention. And none of whom had been online within the past 2 weeks. Excellent!

 

There is a semi large city about 2 hours from me. The results there were more promising. Only why should I give up the life I love here in my little town all for the privilege of having an H+ partner? I want to begin dating within my community only, and that seems an awful sacrifice to have to make. I have uprooted and moved for a guy before. I made 100% of the sacrifice for his love. And it was stupid.

 

I am sad today. Lonely and sad.

[WCSDancer2010]

Honey - don't you DARE to settle for the guy you had friend-zoned ... you need to start reading the Success Stories again and see that it is not just "possible", but very, very likely *IF* you are willing to risk being vulnerable .... and in doing so, you may well find love that is FAR deeper than anything you have ever known..... because those who CHOOSE us do so because they see who WE are and fall in love with that part of us, and they don't see the "risk" of herpes as being enough to stop that love. BUT ... we have to love them too ... so please, don't ever, EVER compromise just to be with someone ....

 

Right now you are allowing your IMAGINATION to run the show ... that part of you that makes up stories (usually the worst case scenarios :( ) that have NOTHING to do with reality. It sounds to me like you could use some therapy to help you with coping skills for the anxiety .... if life can throw you off like this, you need to address that part of yourself before you will be in a sound place to be in a relationship anyway. So I suggest that you get help and work on yourself, and let love find you when you are ready.

 

By the way, I bought a house that was bigger than i should have so a now ex BF could move in with me with his kids ... we all make those dumb mistakes ... the secret is that those of us who are smart will LEARN from them .... so again, work on you ... read those Success Stories, and let love come when YOU are ready ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[ShaeShae]

Thank you, @WCSDancer2010. Obviously you can tell how hard I am struggling right now. For a while there, I felt so inspired! So uplifted! That feeling is beginning to fade, I am losing my grip on it. Being alone on the holiday in no way helped.

 

And it strikes me a disgustingly ironic that the one man I had wanted rejected me as filth. And the one man who absolutely repels me, is so easily forgiving of my condition and still wants to be with me. God what a joke!

 

My latest fear in snagging an H- partner concerns the fear of them eventually contracting it. Because I certainly would never want to be the one at fault for knowingly making another person feel the way I have felt these last months. I'm guilty before I've even done anything. I imagine accidentally giving it to him, even with him having been accepting of it, and then him using that as some kind of messed up guilt trip or weapon against me in moments of anger. Sure there's antivirals (they can't honestly be worth all those ghastly side effects can they??), and there's condoms (buzzkill!), but I want a family one day which only poses more risk to him. Where's the balance?

 

I am in counseling right now. He is sadly unavailable during the holiday so I do not see him again until the 5th. It is hard waiting with this elephant following me around everywhere I go. I knew that coming out and having my spirits lifted would be only temporary and that the demons would come crawling back out of the dark again. I have been turned from a sexy and vivacious, intimate woman into a dud who can't even masturbate anymore.

 

I don't know where to begin to work on me. Because I don't even know who "me" is anymore.

[WCSDancer2010]

My latest fear in snagging an H- partner concerns the fear of them eventually contracting it. Because I certainly would never want to be the one at fault for knowingly making another person feel the way I have felt these last months.

 

Well then, don't ever drive anyone anywhere, because you *might* be in an accident and hurt them. Don't ever cook anything for anyone because you (might* give them food poisoning. You see, there are many things we do with or for people that *might* cause them harm, especially if we don't take precautions to make sure we stay "safe" ....

 

Sure, we don't want anyone to get this from us ... BUT, at least we know we have it and we know what we can do to help to prevent transmission... antivirals don't cause side effects for everyone (they don't bother me at all ... ) .but there's L-lysine and just plain keeping your body in really good health/reduced stress makes a HUGE difference. And herpes gives us a great excuse to learn other, non penetrative ways to get sexy.... which can lead to deeper and more intimate connections in the relationship.

 

Your friends have all shown you that it's not a big deal to them. The guy you wanted showed you he is not worthy of your time. Why would you EVER want to be with someone who reacted in the way he did? There's nothing wrong with choosing to not pursue a relationship for ANY reason ... but if someone "rejects" you in a way that is anything but kind and empathetic ... if they treat you like as though you are "filth", who wants to be with a jerk like that???? Count yourself lucky to be away from him. And the other guy? He was sent to show you that there are guys who WILL love you regardless .... so receive the message. Everyone is sent to teach you something..... so take the lesson from him.....

 

I would say that right now, you need to take time to learn to love yourself. I actually took several years off of dating a few years back because I realized my reasons for "needing" a relationship were not healthy ... best thing I ever did.... so maybe at least take 6 months off of guys .... "date" yourself... learn to be OK with being alone ... find ways to treat yourself and be kind to yourself ... and I bet that when you do that, someone will walk into your life who will sweep you off your feet .... right now, well, you are not in a healthy place for a relationship. So cultivate a relationship with YOU for awhile.... ;)

 

You WILL be fine. This time of year is tough on anyone who has had any kind of upset in their life (break-ups, deaths, illnesses, etc) .... as they say ... "This too shall pass"...

 

(((HUGS)))