Supporting my partner who has herpes

[ediblewoman]

Hello everyone!

 

I'm new to the site. I've been dating my boyfriend for about 2 years and he has Genital herpes. We have pretty open lines of communication and I try to be supportive, but I think he is carrying a fair bit of shame. He has been having more outbreaks in a row lately and he is always telling me its ok for me to be mad that we aren't having sex as much and is always apologizing. While it would be nice to have sex more often I am not really mad or angry, I understood when we talked about him having herpes that this could happen and I have accepted it. I told him to stop apologizing and that I love our relationship,but i sense insecurity there. Is there anything I can do to make him feel more confident?

[WCSDancer2010]

@ediblewoman

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

Perhaps you could get him to come on here ... we have a lot of great people on here and it may help him to not feel so alone.

 

Also, try to find a Herpes support group near you ... some of them have Meetups and such and he might get to see other partners and realize that it's a very "workable" and not uncommon situation.

 

Generally the best thing I have found is to get the H+ person support from people in the same situation ... because as Brene Brown says "If you put shame in a petri dish it needs 3 things to grow exponentially - secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put the same amount of shame into a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive."

 

Otherwise perhaps couples counseling? Or you can work via Skype with @Adrial (he's the founder of the forums and an excellent life coach!)

 

http://www.adriallifecoaching.com/herpes-life-coach.php

 

Finally - have you tried to find other ways to be intimate when you can't have sex? Because H is a great excuse for finding other ways to get your freak on ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Shame

[ediblewoman]

Those are some great ideas I'll bring it up and see how he feels.

 

As for getting our freak on, I've suggested that we experiment with different ways of being intimate,but he kind of shuts down. Maybe some sessions of couples therapy would be a good idea.

[whitedaisies]

hummm why don't u lead in the sex dept for a while....next time he is ob free, use that time to prolong foreplay and really experiment....u lead to get him comfortable with it and then when the next time he has an ob all that "stuff" may be familiar and won't feel like a sacrifice it will feel like a normal part of ur sexual relationship

 

just my opinion

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

It definitely sounds like you need some outside help..... if he will get on here we can help him to get started but he may need some one on one support. Let him know @Adrial is a guy with herpes so he will understand that he will be totally understood and that Adrial had been EXACTLY where he is right now and that he CAN move on with help :)