Dating someone who has herpes (HSV2)

[hula66]

Hi there,

I've been dating my boyfriend for 9 months, and he has HSV2 (he's had it for about a year and a half). I've been tested very recently, and do not have HSV1 or HSV2. I am 27 and he is 25.

 

He told me 3 dates in. He was so amazing about it, and I was so blown away by the fact that he told me prior to us having sex that I continued to date him. I'll be honest, I think part of me was crossing my fingers that a few more dates in I would find him less appealing, but it didn't happen like that. Fast forward nine months, and I'm in love with him....

 

We're still not having sex but it's getting increasingly difficult to refrain. He doesn't pressure me at all, in fact he hates talking about it; it's like he'd rather not deal with it. When we do talk about it he just shakes his head and is seemingly convinced that he will pass it to me.

 

I've read the stats and I know about daily antivirals, condoms, etc...I know my odds of meeting someone else who is positive if we were to break up...

 

I would LOVE to talk to another person who was/is in my position, or any advice you can give me on dating someone with HSV2...

 

Or if you have HSV2 and are dating someone who doesn't, it would be great to hear your perspective.

 

I don't want to give up on this relationship, but I can't help feeling like relationships never last forever and am I dooming myself to a life with herpes by being with him?

 

Thank you so much for your help. I really appreciate how supportive this forum is.

Hula

[WCSDancer2010]

@hula66

 

First Hello and Welcome! And thank you for coming here to get educated and informed ... and for being patient with your BF.

 

Sounds like he's bought into the stigma ... and the best thing I can suggest would be to get him on here if you can. Right now he's likely believing you will leave him because of the virus and he's setting things up to prove himself right... and he's feeling guilty in advance of the "possibility" of passing it on to you. So if you can get him on here, let us help him to see that there are TONS of discordant couples (One H+ one H-) who have wonderful relationships and the H- person never gets it (I dated 2 guys now who never got it from me ...dated 3 yrs each).

 

As for YOUR belief that "relationships never last forever" ... well, you are setting yourself up for failure as well... with OR without this guy. Of course nothing is certain in life... but I can promise you that it WON'T survive with that attitude 😉

 

Are you "dooming" yourself to a life with herpes if you stay with him? Uh... honey, you are more likely to get is from an unknowing asymtomatic carrier than you are from him. At least he can take the anti-virals, use condoms, and monitor his body for signs of OB's and prodromes. But watch your words... "dooming" is a very powerful word and using language like that can really suck you in to making it a reality 😞

 

One other option would be to get either some kind of couples therapy or you could get coaching (via Skype) from @Adrial who is an AMAZING coach (I've seen him at work!).. I'll post his contact info below or you can PM him on here .. that may be a great option for you because your BF will feel that someone understands where he's coming from (Adrial has been in the same place... so that would be a good starting point) and he could help you BOTH with your attitudes towards relationships 🙂 Adrial also periodically offers at home and live courses that you may want to look into... I'll post those links as well 🙂

 

((HUGS)))

 

http://herpesopportunity.com

[FiguringThisOut]

Hi Hula,

 

I can only tell you my experience; being someone with herpes dating someone who doesn't.

When I started dating again after being single for a while and not having to tell anyone about having herpes, I was pretty scared of how te guy would respond if I told him, when I should tell him, all that stuff. Sometimes you just go like: why would he want to date a girl that could pass this on to him, instead of any other girl?

 

Well, it's because you guys really like each other. And when you really want to be with someone, you know you have to accept their downsides too.

 

Being on this side, it's quite important how the person you date responds to the whole herpes thing. Yes, herpes is incredibly annoying and painful at times, but that's all. It's not dangerous, it's not obvious to others that you have it. Nothing more than a nuisance. So basically, when you don't want to take the risk of having sex with him even when protected, you are rejecting him over the possibility (not even definite consequence) of getting that nuisance. Imagine what that could do to someone's self-confidence. You emphasize the idea in someone's head that this condition makes him unwanted.

 

On the other hand: if you accept this thing and if you feel like he's worth the possible nuisance, that's when he will feel fully accepted by you.

I was so relieved when i told my guy about it. First of all he wanted to know what it was really like and what the risks were for him to get if from me. When I told him these things honestly, he thought about it (which he should! Otherwise he'd be senseless) and then he was like: OK. I can deal with that to be with you. Which gives me even more reason to love him :)

 

So even if you think relationships don't last forever - (even though I disagree with that) think about how much you want to be with him now and in the near future, and what that's worth. Is this relationship worth more than have an annoying skin condition? Otherwise you might have to overthink the whole relationship itself.

 

Good luck!