I may have passed herpes to someone, and I need advice.

[jem91117]

I contracted herpes in 2005 I believe. I've only had one outbreak and that was in Jan 2006. My partner had never had an outbreak or any symptoms. I am now single and I am seeing a man who is married (please don't judge me). We had sex on two occasions. I insisted he wear a condom, but the last time (a few days ago) he took the condom off at the end (he has had a vasectomy). It was one of those 'in the heat of the moment' stupid decisions.

 

I have decided to no longer see him. I am torn up with guilt and shame, thinking he may have contracted herpes from me and he may pass it on to his wife. I have been doing research, and supposedly if you are not having symptoms, you have a 10% (average) chance of passing it on to someone else. I understand I could have been shedding the virus and not been aware. What do you think the chances are that his wife will get herpes?

[mr_hopp]

Hi jem,

 

I hear you're worrying about this. Sounds frustrating and difficult. Sounds like your integrity is getting the best of you after the fact, beating yourself up over something you can't take back. I've been there before, so no judgment here. Before we get into giving you any advice, what are you learning about yourself and how would you have done it differently if you could go back and do it again?

[jem91117]

Obviously I should have never started seeing a married man, but I would have made him keep the condom on or made him stop :(

[mr_hopp]

What had you not insist on a condom or make him stop? I imagine it was that you didn't want to "ruin the moment" or that you were worried that he wouldn't like you if you insisted? Or was it something else?

 

Consider, too, that you don't know what he has. He could have given you an STD, too. Not a lot of us consider that when it comes to unsafe sex. Just because we focus most on us having herpes. It goes both ways. Other people have STDs, too. We are putting each other at risk if we don't insist on communicating all of this.

 

Also, this sounds like the inability to flex your own boundaries. What is your relationship to holding boundaries for yourself across the board in life, not just in relationships/sex?

[lelani]

I felt really sad when I read this...and I can also hear the battle you have going with your integrity. Listen to it :-).

 

There is no judgement from me either - I have just been on the receiving end of a life long STD because of an unfaithful husband so know first hand the devastation it causes. This man is not worth the risk of you getting another STD or his wife getting yours.

 

Married partners who cheat lack integrity, honesty and loyalty. My questions would be "why do you not feel like you are worth more than that?" and "is emotional fallout of this experience worth being sexual with this man?".

 

Honey love yourself more than this...make other choices that don't tear you up with guilt and shame. Big hug. x

[mr_hopp]

Can you see how this can be an opportunity for you to consider all of these things for yourself, how you relate to your life in general that is highlighted by this difficult situation? We don't have your answers for you. You do. But we are here to love you and support you through the process.