I have no one to talk to and I am disgusted with myself.

[jordan]

I feel like I am about to cry all the time and its so hard to get through a normal day with classes and friends and a job. When I found out about 4 days ago that it was really HSV-2 that I had and not some rash, I couldnt stop crying. I briefly considered swallowing a bottle of xanax until I realized how selfish and dramatic that would be. I never want to have sex again. I cant imagine doing this to another human being.

I had unprotected sex with a girl 2 days before I noticed any symptoms and from what I have read, that is when most viral shedding occurs. This girl is the sweetest girl I have ever been with and has only ever had sex with me. And if I was to be the asshole that gave her an STD, I really dont think I could live with myself. My actions brought me this situation but this girl shouldnt have to deal with this with me.

I cant tell my friends because they would be disgusted with me too. my family has enough to worry about than deal with more of my problems.

Ive been taking about 1mg of xanax every 5-6 hours so I dont go absolutely crazy but I know this is not a long term solution. I'm in 16 hours at a competitive college and I have to work after classes and all the while this is looming over my head so I dont know what else to do.

I have to tell this girl about it and I know she will leave me. And even if she doesnt want to theres no way I'm letting her take this on with me. I'm just praying I didnt give it to her too.

[jordan]

just reading that made me want to cry. good tears though haha. I appreciate it alot. I really want to tell a friend of family member but once its out there then its real. their opinion of me will undoubtedly change and theres no going back. The only thing worse than telling someone and having them be disgusted with me, is having them pity me instead. I am sure this girl did not give it to me because the symptoms came too fast afterwards. I was with another girl a few weeks ago and before that nothing for months. The girl from a few weeks ago wont return my calls or texts so I am assuming she has just found out herself.

I am trying really hard to stay positive and not go into some drug induced coma but everytime I think about the idea that I infected a girl that has had only one partner... it just makes me feel like scum.

 

thank you so much for your comment though. its the first thing Ive head that hasnt made me feel worse

[Ihaveittoo1975]

Hi and welcome Jordan,

 

Sorry to hear that you are in such despair over this. As has already been said, it will pass and get better. You have already taken the first step towards normalcy by joining this site. You will be well taken care of here by some very considerate and caring people. It will be a process to get through this, we have all been there, and we have all gotten through it. I am only at the four month mark and doing a lot better now, but I definitely have my down days. It's only natural.

 

I think the best thing for you right now is to try and get hold of both of the girls you have been with recently. Maybe the first girl already had H but never told you, and now she is too ashamed to talk to you. The complete opposite of what is actually going through your mind right now. And maybe the second girl did not get it after all. Honestly, you having your first ob two days after having sex with her sounds a bit of a coincidence. Are you 100% certain you were her first? Just trying to have you look at it from different angles.

 

As difficult as it may be, you really need to do your best to find out the answer to these two questions. It does you no good to feel guilty over something which may actually not be the case. The truth shall set you free.

 

As earthquake _grl said, if at all possible, confide in someone who knows you well and who you trust and you feel comfortable about. It will do wonders for you having a "live" person to talk to.

 

Best of luck buddy..

[jordan]

completely positive about that girl being her first and only. I have been with her many times and we were together for over a year and neither of us ever displayed symptoms. and the only other girl I have been with since her (we had a month long break) was a girl of shall I say "bad reputation".

If symptoms started just a few days after, that means I was most likely viral shedding doesnt it? and if we didnt use protection isnt there a very high chance of her contracting the disease? I know its hard to say but I really think I might have giver her herpes.

 

[Ihaveittoo1975]

It sounds like the friction from the sex may have triggered your first ob. The first time I had sex after my initial ob I had my second ob, if that makes sense. H often doesn't like rough, unlubed sex initially while the body is building up its defense to the virus.

 

If it makes you feel any better, I had unprotected sex twice between being unknowingly exposed to H and realizing I had it. That girl did not get it, and we have even had sex a couple of times after I was diagnosed. Your sex life is not at all over, you just have to make some adjustments in how you go about sex. Not always a bad thing.

[jordan]

I know my life isnt over, its just going to be difficult for a while. If I dont have sex often or find it hard to make relationships then thats something I have to deal with. putting that on someone else though makes me feel so much worse. I just feel so dang gross. I dont know how I am supposed to tell this girl though. everything has been going so great lately.

I actually do feel better just putting the words in my head somewhere and having someone that knows this feeling respond. so really thank you so much. I feel a lot better actually. I didnt think I was gonna get through another day having to pretend everything was alright with all these thoughts rolling around in my head.

yesterday my best friend even made some joke about herpes and said he'd probably kill himself than live with this disease. I know he didnt know any better (and I would never wish this on anyone) but if he only knew how it felt... Thats when I gave up on the idea of telling my friends. so thank you for just listening. ill tell you how "the talk" goes.

[WCSDancer2010]

@jordan

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

I appreciate it alot. I really want to tell a friend of family member but once its out there then its real. their opinion of me will undoubtedly change and theres no going back. The only thing worse than telling someone and having them be disgusted with me, is having them pity me instead.

 

Honey ... if you tell someone about this and their "opinion" of you changes, then they are NOT your friend... promise. A FRIEND will not pity you nor will they be disgusted with you because they will kno YOU and who you are...they will already accept you as you are (no matter what that is) and they will be there to support you through ANYTHING without judgement. One of the "Opportunities" with herpes is the ability to start to see people for who they REALLY are.... so that you can remove the people from your inner circle (and even those from the periphery) who are a negative influence on your life. There's proof that the 6-10 (depending on the study) people closest to you are the ones who will determine who you are in life, so why have even 1 jerk in your circle of friends???

 

I'm 100% out - came out in late 2013 on FB to over 1000 people (I'm a swing dancer so I have "friends" all over from competitions I go to). Not ONE person was negative and those who commented were VERY supportive and positive in their comments. I now talk to people all the time about my work and the "worst" thing I get is a quick look of possible shock (likely because I'm TALKING about just a "taboo" subject!!!) and then I either get praise for what I am doing or questions that they have always had (or didn't know to ask, more likley!!!) and I get to educate them. I'm not telling you to come out ... but I want you to see that the majority of the stigma is in your head ... and that if you can come to a place where you understand that when a person is ugly about something, it's a statement about THEM and NOT about YOU..... then your life becomes a whole lot more peaceful and beautiful. And meybe it will take Herpes to help you get that lesson... if so, it's really a SMALL price for the peace and happiness that will surround you in your life.

 

Now, as for your dilemma:

 

I know you are certain you are her first, but honey, your timeline says she may well be your giver because it's very normal to start having symptoms around 2 days to a week after contact. So perhaps she also had a fling in that 1 month break? I know you may not want to think/believe that, but it's a distinct possibility. AND, it doesn't make EITHER of you dirty or slutty. It just means you were looking for comfort and attention and got unlucky. Period. (I got HSV2 on MY first sexual experience, so I'm living proof that you don't have to have multiple partners to get it ;) )

 

So - how to talk to her? I suggest that you get a little better educated in the next couple days ... read the handouts and watch the video that I'm posting below. Print the handouts out for her and write down the video link. Then go talk to her. I strongly suggest that you both (and you may want to tell the other girl this too) go for a blood test now, and if you are negative, go again in 4 months. I assume you were diagnosed via a swab and the SWAB came back HSV2+ (ie, NOT a visual diagnosis ...because otherwise you may have HSV1 down there and that's a whole 'nuther possible scenario of how you got it... and possibly more explainable).

 

Check these out, let me know your test info ... and we'lll help you though this, ok?

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Herpes facts video

[jordan]

I just got my test results back from my blood test (IgG and IgM), they came out negative. But I am very skeptical. I see that the IgG test can produce false negatives if someone had recently contracted the disease. I had clear symptoms from the cauliflower groupings on my buttocks and down my thigh and then theres the tingling and slightly painful urination just a few weeks after the day of exposure (or what I believe to be the day of exposure). Are false positives after 3 weeks exposure common?

Or it could be like you say and it may be the other girl who I have been in a relationship with. 2-3days after having unprotected sex with her )and we hadnt slept together for months before that) is one hell of a coincidence.

I wish my doctor hadnt told me I was negative, I wish he told me my tests were inconclusive or something because I was just starting to feel better about the diagnosis. Now I am all messed up again.

[jordan]

I have been through the symptoms everywhere and on every site and my symptoms read HSV-2 loud and clear.

[WCSDancer2010]

Ok - well you need to get a new Dr if they did an IgM (any Dr who knows their recent Herpes stuff knows that IgM is notoriously unreliable) ... and an IgG is not likely to show a positive result at 3 weeks .. it usually takes 3-4 months to show up post exposure.

 

As for your symptoms ... they could be HSV2 OR HSV1 ... the symptoms are the same ... it's just that for *some* HSV1 is milder and shorter in duration ... but everybody has a different experience ... so you could easily have either ... AND there ARE other things that mimic Herpes ...

 

At the moment unfortunately, you will have to wait till the 3-4 month period is up unless you have another OB (in which case, get it swabbed but go somewhere else like Planned Parenthood or an STD clinic if you can...they are more likely to know more recent facts about Herpes :( )

[jordan]

yeah I hoped my doctor would know some important information like this. I even told him how recent the exposure was and he saw the symptoms and everything and still claimed I was negative. Thats worse than the original diagnosis because it gave me the slight hope that I was actually fine and that all my symptoms were just an allergic reaction or something.

 

I am now having the rash appearing on both sides of my body though the right side(where it began) is healing. might be appearing on my chest too, there is a pimple type thing that I am afraid to pop. wtf is happening. my body cant decide if its getting better or worse. I think I am going to go to a planned parenthood clinic or somewhere people are experienced with this disease.

[jordan]

I really liked the video by the way, I think it will help a lot when I finally need to have the talk. I want to do it before valentines day so I dont have to explain that night why I cant sleep with her.

[WCSDancer2010]

@jordan

 

Well, here's the thing about Dr's knowing "important information" like Herpes.... to THEM, Herpes is a nuisance skin condition in a really inconvenient place. To THEM, Cancer is "important"... MS is "important". Addictions are "important". Mental Illness is "important". Herpes is waaaay down the HUGE list of things that they feel they need to stay on top of. Remember that your GP is a GENERAL practitioner ... so any time you have something more complex than a cold or a minor cut or whatever, remember that they *may* not be fully up to date on things simply because they CAN'T stay totally on top of every single new piece of news that comes through their office. :/

 

As for the chest - it's HIGHLY unlikely that its from the Herpes virus.... while it *can* transfer/autoinnoculate to other areas it's rare.... and it will only transfer in the first few weeks of you getting Herpes (just for future reference). Be careful to not get into the "Herpes Paranoia" that many do .... remember you've had pimples and rubs and rashes before this so every single thing isn't herpes :)

 

Get ye to Planned Parenthood and get a proper diagnosis when you can ... unfortunately you may have to wait a bit to get a definite diagnosis now but hopefully they can swab the new "rash" and get something from that ..

 

((HUGS))