It's already been a long road...

[raininghoney]

Last October, I was tentatively diagnosed with herpes from a purely visual evaluation. I went through a period of shock, anger, denial, rage, depression- you name it. I am studying to become an expressive arts therapist, so through my own therapy and coursework had worked through some of these emotions, got an overwhelmingly massive amount of support from friends, was starting to come to terms with it, and then my blood test came back negative. And then the next one came back negative... I thought the doctor had made a mistake with the visual diagnosis, and secretly hoped it wasn't herpes. I entered a period of denial. If there was a chance it wasn't herpes, I didn't have to think I had it. I had some redness and itchiness, but no outbreaks... maybe it was just itchiness, I would think...

 

Today, I got results from an IGM test back, from another doctor who I have more trust in, and I am positive for the HSV-2 virus. There the result is, plain and clear on my computer screen. Part of me felt this was coming, part of me has been relying on false hope to hold me up for the last few months. And that's why I feel herpes has so much more of a mental impact than a physical one... when I thought that maybe I didn't have it, my heart was lighter, my attitude about relationships changed out of catastrophizing the outcomes, I really looked forward to my life and didn't feel like something was ruined or missing anymore...

 

I don't feel like I did the first time- I am not struck by penetrating, intense, uncontrollable feelings of self-hatred, of feelings that I am ruined, of overwhelming sadness, pain, and terror. But there is still a deep sadness, a fear, a sorrow that I know I have to work through now... I am a very resilient person, who has also experienced several other difficult situations and struggles in my life, so I know I can get through this, and be even stronger. That's why I'm here- I want to believe in the opportunity. I want to believe in bettering myself through my struggles. I know I have to stay positive and avoid succumbing to negative self-talk or self-sabotaging behaviors in my relationships. I have already grown in loving myself despite this. My biggest, continuing fear is being rejected by future partners when they discover my status. I have been dating somewhat throughout this whole experience, but I haven't really found anyone I would want to move forward with. I am an interesting and lovable person who does attract a lot of romantic prospects, but I am worried that when things move beyond the first few stages, I am going to be disappointed when I lay my cards on the table. I did have one positive experience- sex with an old flame who was visiting about a month ago, when I was still unsure about my status. I had actually called him when I was first diagnosed, so he knew what the situation was, and still chose to go for it anyway with proper protection. That was a very beautiful and validating experience for me, but doubts do remain. Anyway, that feels like a different kind of situation because it was a previous relationship, and I am looking to forge a new one. I have read a lot about the "talk", but I still have fears in this area. Basically, I want to find love, and I don't want herpes to get in the way.

 

I am going to be here often now, guys. I am grateful for this space and I look forward to reading your insight and continuing to heal in this journey. I will mention that during my studies, I have become obsessed with Carl Jung's philosophies in self-actualization, which are helping me a lot. Many later writers connected these philosophies of self-actualization with the hero's journey. I find strength in connecting to the model of the hero's journey because I too have been handed this obstacle unwillingly, but I must now mobilize my resources, find strengths and supports, and take this journey through unknown territory bravely. I want to move in the right direction and live an awesome, successful life, herpes or no.

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hi @rainyhoney, I don't mean to send you reeling again, but IGM tests are notoriously unreliable. This is not to suggest they are always wrong, but did you ever do a type specific IGG test? Did you get any antibody levels values? What were the previous tests that you did?

[WCSDancer2010]

@raininghoney

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

@PositivelyBeautiful is right - and I hate to tell you but anyone who uses the IgM actually doesn't know their Herpes info ... for one thing, IgM is only used in the first few weeks/month because it's meant to show a specific protein that only shows up in that time. AND, it's notoriously unreliable even so..some other proteins like chicken pox antibodies can set it off... :( AND ... you can't go on a visual diagnosis. Period.

 

So ... how long has it been since your first symptoms or when you believe you were exposed? Because the IgG (which is the test you should have had) isn't reliable till 3-4 months after exposure... so if the Dr was testing you with that within that time, that would explain the negative result ... I suggest that you get an IgG test when you are at the 4 month point ... just to be sure of the result. *IF* it comes back under 3.5 then I would suggest that you do the Western Blot test .... it's the Gold Standard test for herpes but you can only get it through Westover Heights Clinic ... but we can get you the info if you need it.

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-tests

 

Now - if you DO actually have herpes... you WILL be ok - I'm a 35 yr veteran and we have several of us on here ... we have all had our ups and downs but really, the majority of the downs were not caused by herpes ... it's just life happening. AND in a way Herpes can IMPROVE your life ... people say on here all the time that they tend to take relationships slower, they work on themselves, and they learn empathy. You sound like the kind of person who does personal work already ... so I am sure you will get there ... and this is the perfect place to get support through the process...

 

(((HUGS)))