One Word: Grateful. My First Disclosure Story.

[PositivelyBeautiful]

@Adrial, no chance you are getting away with wiping out my first disclosure story!! lol. Good thing I kept a copy in my journal. ;)

 

- Originally Posted April 2, 2015 -

 

Hey everyone,

 

I haven't been on the forum in a while, but back with a story that I definitely wanted to share with all of you. While I had disclosed to a potential partner when I was first diagnosed (read it here: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4384/coping-with-diagnosis-and-what-if#latest), this is the story of what I consider my first real disclosure.

 

Around mid February, I met a man online who I started chatting with... after a few weeks of talking, we decided to meet. We went out for dinner one night and then spent the next 5 days entangled in a beautiful series of moments and complete togetherness. We didn't leave each other's side. There were definitely sparks, but much more than that... it was natural, easy and surreal. We had discussed waiting to be intimate, and were on the same page, wanting to allow the emotional side of the relationship to develop before we would succumb to our lustful urges. We both wanted a deeper connection, and saw in each other very quickly the ability to have that... if only we were patient.

 

Meanwhile... I am thinking: when should I tell him? I wanted him to see everything I had to offer, but I didn't want us to become too emotionally invested; 1- to protect my own heart and 2- to make sure he was making a choice from a grounded place. I consulted friends, I browsed the forum, but ultimately decided to wait until the moment presented itself or until it felt right. My gut said that he would be compassionate and kind, and that it would be ok. I trusted that.

 

The moment came last night... I didn't plan it; mind you, I probably had rehearsed the scenario in my head a thousand times before, even before we had met. During our 5-day date, I had mentioned there was something I had to tell him one day, but that I wasn't ready. It came up in conversation last night, and so we danced... he played a guessing game, and I hinted until we were both talking about the same thing, but neither of us outright said it. And then I told him... 'I have genital herpes' barely made it out of my mouth without me stumbling on the words. I told him my story, I cried a bit, gave him the facts, and almost immediately, he was inquisitive, supportive and compassionate. He asked questions, and I answered them. But nothing about his level of interest changed... instead, we made a plan together, so that he would find out his own status, and once we have that answer, we will deal with the rest. We even had a little fun after it all. ;)

 

This morning when I woke up, I thanked him for being so open and understanding. He is truly an amazing man that is so deserving of my heart, and no matter what happens, I am grateful for meeting him and having this positive experience. In response to my thanks, he said this to me: "If our journey together lasts as long as I hope it does, we will need to support each other and accept things that will be far more difficult than this. People that walk out quickly were never meant to be. People that stay and fight by your side are the ones you want by your side forever. I told you about holding hands and walking through a doorway together. Opening your heart completely, to the point where the level of vulnerability is equivalent to walking around the tip of the highest tower is a way bigger challenge. Let us step lightly and slowly...together."

 

I wanted to share this very intimate message with all of you so that those who are struggling with wondering how and if someone will ever accept them, know that the right person will. When you take the time to forgive yourself, to fully accept your shortcomings, and find the depths of your love that is and has always been in you, you WILL find all of it mirrored back at you one day in the eyes of someone very special. Do the work, accept your love and open your heart to the possibilities that lie ahead.

 

I don't know what the future holds for either of us, but if this relationship continues with such honesty, courage, kindness, compassion, and care, deep love will certainly transcend.

 

You are all beautiful souls, and deserve the same. Believe that always.

 

 

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Update - He went to get tested the same day this was posted. Results pending, but nothing has changed between us. Will keep you all posted.

[WCSDancer2010]

YAY! Glad you kept a copy!!!!

[PositivelyBeautiful]

My heart is heavy right now. Results came, he is HSV1 positive (which he knew) and HSV2 negative. He doesn't care though, and still wants to be with me and get to know me and nothing has changed. He doesn't consider this a deal breaker, and realizes in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing. But I am scared now... I know this is something that has recently come up on the discussion board, being terrified of hurting someone you care about, and here I find myself in that situation... your discussions couldn't have been more timely @catterpillarmonarch and @cpdx. We are not having sex yet, and we still intend to wait it out and continue developing the strong emotional connection that we already feel... nurture the trust, the compassion and love that is growing between us. I don't want this to hold me back from being the best and most fearless version of myself... and I know I have a choice here, to allow it to hold me back or to find strength in knowing that ultimately the 'risk' is out of my control and if we both open-heatedly choose to be with one another, the risk shouldn't matter. As I write this, I have gone from crying, to seeing this as an opportunity to face a tremendous fear... and I am reminded that the things we fear the most are ultimately the things, that when confronted, propel us into great transformation. The cards have landed, and I owe to him and to myself to do everything I can to release the fear and be authentically and unforgivingly open to receive whatever comes next for us. I suppose this was more of a peace-of-mind rant, but any words of encouragement would be appreciated.

[whitedaisies]

I think we all weave in and out of the feeling of responsibility of passing this virus. Think of it as a reflection of love and compassion of your connection. When you feel that sadness or worry then think of why you feel that way....because you care for him, because you are connected to him, because you want to enjoy an intimacy with him that you so desire. I hope this lifts your heart.

 

For me while I was in the moment, enjoying my partner I didn't worry. The worry came in the ruminating before and after. The key is to control the ruminating.

 

I am hoping in time and more sexual experience post h (as you are newly diagnosed) that this will be able to be put in perspective. I know you can do that.

 

You deserve this opportunity to explore your feelings and so does he.

 

Hugs

[WCSDancer2010]

I don't want this to hold me back from being the best and most fearless version of myself... and I know I have a choice here, to allow it to hold me back or to find strength in knowing that ultimately the 'risk' is out of my control and if we both open-heartedly choose to be with one another, the risk shouldn't matter. As I write this, I have gone from crying, to seeing this as an opportunity to face a tremendous fear... and I am reminded that the things we fear the most are ultimately the things, that when confronted, propel us into great transformation. The cards have landed, and I owe to him and to myself to do everything I can to release the fear and be authentically and unforgivingly open to receive whatever comes next for us.

 

Do you realize how powerful this statement is??? You have realized you can CHOOSE to live in fear or not. Here's some thoughts for you :)

 

One life on earth is all that we get.

Whether it is enough, or not enough

And the obvious conclusion would seem to be that

At the very least we are fools

If we do not live it as fully and bravely and beautifully as we can

 

FEAR

Forget Everything and Run

or

Face Everything and Rise

 

Bravery is not the absence of fear

Bravery is feeling the fear, the doubt, the insecurity

and deciding that something else is more important ..... Mark Manson (my favorite blogger!)

 

 

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Thank you @whitedaisies and @dancer. Spending the next couple of weeks with him, and it's off to a very blissful start. Fear will not hold me back from experiencing this fully. :)