How do you get past giving your partner herpes?

[youAREawesome]

Hi!

 

I am currently going through a really tough time because I gave my now ex boyfriend herpes. I disclosed this to him before we started dating and he was understanding and said that he didn't care. We talked about it from time to time, but it didn't seem to bother him. Well he ended up contracting it and that is when our relationship turned to the worst. We are not together right now, and we rarely talk. I am not sure if we will ever get back together. Will I ever be able to forgive myself? I was diagnosed about 1 year and a half ago and I came to a peace about it to myself, but this is even worse than when I found out that I had it. Thanks so much for your support and help!

[WCSDancer2010]

@youAREawesome

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

So - did the relationship end because he blamed you, or because you were so wracked with guilt that you pushed him away?

 

The thing is, people with H need to realize that we often do things with people we love that could end up with them being hurt (or even killed) due to our actions. For instance, take driving a car. Your friends and family must be aware that it's possible that any time you get in a car, you run the risk of injury or death. It's a simple fact given how fast we travel, weather, other drivers, etc. Even so, they ride with you and they trust you to do what you can to avoid an accident. yet, sometimes shit happens and you end up in an accident. Now, if you were drunk or whatever and you had an accident and injured someone, well, yeah, you might deserve to live with some guilt. But if you were doing everything right and you hit a patch of ice, or someone crossed the line and ran into you or whatever, and someone was hurt, while you might understandably "feel guilty" noone would blame you and hopefully over time you would realize that it was just bad luck, pure and simple.

 

That is the attitude we try to get people to have here. We subscribe to the policy of "always disclose before sex" ... beyond that, however you and your partner work out what (if anything) you do to protect them is between you and as the H+ partner, we have to be careful to not take responsibility for our partners choice to stay with us. Assuming they are "of age" we have to allow them to make their ADULT choices and to assume whatever risks are involved in their life choices (including non-H consequences for their actions) ...

 

Any life well lived will assumes risk. There are so many things we do that have the potential to injure or kill us (for instance, many sports like Skiing, Football, 3-day eventing, etc only take one *small* error to cause massive injuries or death). H is just another thing that has a *small* risk of being passed on. As long as all parties are educated and accepting, well, then they should also accept that there's always that possibility that things may go wrong.

[StillMeButWiser]

I'm new to the herpes world so correct me if I'm wrong. If we limit ourselves to only date H+ People In fear of transmitting wouldn't we be isolating ourselves even more when we already feel somewhat of an outcast?

 

In my eyes, being intimate with someone is an adult responsibility. When two consenting adults have intimate relations protected or not, things can happen. Sometimes they are are out of our control, sometimes not.

[Ihaveittoo1975]

@stillmebutwiser, in my opinion you are 110% correct. I refuse to only search for a H+ woman. I'm worth just as much as any H- person, so why limit myself. Would it be more convenient if I did end up with an already infected woman? You bet! No worrying about having to disclose or infect her, but chanses are I made compromised and lowered my standards simply because I knew it would be easier. If you lower your standards and hang on to a partner "just because" I think you run a much bigger risk of ending up in a less healthy relationship, and it's much more likely to end sooner rather than later. You can try to tell (fool) yourself that you aren't settling, but your subconscious will always know that you did.

[WCSDancer2010]

I'm new to the herpes world so correct me if I'm wrong. If we limit ourselves to only date H+ People In fear of transmitting wouldn't we be isolating ourselves even more when we already feel somewhat of an outcast?

 

In my eyes, being intimate with someone is an adult responsibility. When two consenting adults have intimate relations protected or not, things can happen. Sometimes they are are out of our control, sometimes not.

 

Yup - I agree 100% ... ESPECIALLY the part that being intimate with someone is an adult responsibility

 

Read Mark Manson's blog about STD's ... his last point is SOOO spot on and makes you realize that the consequences of having sex (especially recreational/casual) are not limited to STD's ;)

 

http://markmanson.net/std-guide

 

And then these links and info about only dating H+ people

 

Herpes-only dating:

 

Pro: Keeps you from having the herpes talk.

Con: It cuts out about 95% of the dating pool. (This is pretty much immediately pre-rejecting yourself from all of the potential people who might actually be offended if they knew you weren't giving them a chance to even accept that you have herpes.)

 

Everyone dating:

Pro: You get 100% of the dating pool.

Con: You'll need to do some self-work around wholeness and shame resiliency in order to have the herpes talk.

 

Here's an article on the subject:

http://herpeslife.com/do-i-have-to-join-those-herpes-dating-sites/

http://www.vice.com/read/finding-love-with-herpes-thanks-to-sti-positive-online-dating-396?utm_source=vicetwitterus STI dating sites