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Partner Herpes Transmission


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So I haven't been dating my boyfriend that long but him, and I feel like we're soulmates blah blah, I'll spare you the mushy details. But long story short, he's already been informed about the fact that I have herpes and he'll randomly mention before sex sometimes when he's putting on the condom that he should just not wear one this time, since he's "gonna get it eventually when we have kids." I mean, I definitely feel like I'll be with him for the rest of my life, but I'd rather just wait until we're ready to HAVE kids for him to get it ... I keep telling him it's not something he wants to get. Any advice?

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Well, first things first: hooray for the feeling of soul-matedness! ;) Congrats on that. Definitely deserves some celebration points.

As far as your fears are concerned, here are the first two things that come up for me:

1. He is a big boy (I assume). Big boys can make their own big boy decisions. ;) If he says he will risk it, that's his decision 100%. He wants to be with you and everything that comes with it. The good, the bad, the herpes, too. :)

2. With the above being said, I would also say this: Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Relationships are NEVER 100% (especially in these days of a divorce rate approaching 60% or so). I don't mean to burst your bubble or give you reason to doubt anything, but if his reasoning is that he's willing to take a chance based on the cold hard fact that you'll be together for life, I'd dig deeper into that with him. Get curious about that. Planning for the worst isn't about being pessimistic and focusing on the negative; it's about being realistic that time brings all sorts of things with it. It's about being on the same page with all the possibilities that life could bring. And nothing is ever certain. 

It's a lot like creating a will with your amazing mother in case of death (coincidentally enough, my mom just called me yesterday about this!). By agreeing to go over this will with mom, we aren't focusing on the whole "dying part." We are simply planning for worst-case scenario so we can be on the same page and enjoy life together in the meantime. 

So in short (wow I can be long-winded sometimes!), if you can have a real, heartfelt conversation about the difficult worst-case scenarios, then you're ironically building that much stronger of a foundation for your relationship now.

Notes:

  • My mother is now in hospice with end-stage cancer, so I am at her house a lot these days helping where I can until she passes. Thank you in advance for understanding if I am not as quick to respond as I normally would be. This is a precious and bittersweet time …
  • This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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