My "bff" of 36 yrs is telling people I have herpes :(

JenPhoenix40 · June 16, 2015

Just taking a moment to vent I guess. She and I have been like sisters our entire lives. She was never good at keeping secrets, so I didn't tell her much. I thought she'd grown out of it, so I confided in her during the symptoms while I waited for the doctor to reopen after Memorial Day holiday. When it was confirmed, I told her. Now I'm finding out she's not keeping this to herself. She's told 5 people that I know of. She even told me that she'd told 2 of them - her guy and her mother. I said, "I wasn't even going to tell my OWN mother, or at least not yet!". I've NEVER felt so betrayed. Of all things, you'd think something that carries so much stigma would be an obvious candidate for "the vault". I'm ok with the diagnosis, but if I want someone to know I'll tell them, and I'll frame it with facts and statistics. She ONLY did it to be gossipy. Her guy told her I'm a whore and she shouldn't be hanging out with me. She's literally been with 10x the men I've been with. Ughhh......been a bad week. Needless to say, I'm no longer speaking to her.

She and I have travelled vastly different paths in life, but we still talk because we've been friends for so long. I keep reading that herpes is a good wingman and a way to filter out douchebags when dating. Apparently, it may be a way to filter out supposed friends as well.

PositivelyBeautiful · June 16, 2015

Hi @JenPhoenix40, I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this... but you are absolutely right. Herpes is a good wingman for dating but for other relationships as well, and it's clear in this case that she is not a real friend to you. Sometimes it's sad leaving relationships and friendships behind, but as we evolve as people, it's an inevitable reality. You've obviously outgrown this friendship, so take the time to mourn this betrayal, and the loss, but know that you will be far better for moving away from such negativity. You deserve to surround yourself with supportive, loving friends, who honour your privacy and trust... kuddos to you for recognizing it's time to move on. Your heart will be happier for it. Oh, and those that found out and judge you for it... are not worth keeping around either.

WCSDancer2010 · June 16, 2015

@JenPhoenix40

Yes, sadly you have experienced what I call the "Wingman Effect" ... and it does extend to friends and family.

I've had other experiences where I have left friendships when a circumstance proved to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that the person was not a TRUE friend ...

Sorry you had to experience this for yourself ... just be glad that you finally were able to see her so transparently that you could cut the cord to what sounds like a less-than-healthy friendship.

One thing to remember: If a person will do something "with" you (gossip about inappropriate things/cheat on partner/complain inappropriately about an ex) they will do it TO you. So it sounds like this "friend" was just doing what she has already done ... it was only a matter of time before it happened to you.

Take the life lesson from this (EVERYONE can teach you something!) and move on. And if someone comes and asks you about having herpes, you now will either want to just come "clean" and use it as a chance to educate, or just brush it off that she's an unreliable gossip .... it's your choice. But if you choose the former, as @PositivelyBeautiful said, you will quickly be able to weed out all the other people who really are not your friends .... and perhaps you will save someone from getting it themselves down the road if you choose to educate. And neither option is better/right. Do what is right for YOU.

JenPhoenix40 · June 16, 2015

@WCSDancer2010 I've been thinking a lot about not keeping this so hidden since your comments on the other 2 posts I've made. She asked to move in with me, and I said no because she won't work, is an utter slob, and is an alcoholic. I'm buying a 3 br home (I live alone), and she thinks she's entitled to live there since she's being served an eviction notice TODAY and I have plenty of room. She tends to get wasted and post rants on facebook about whomever she's mad at. Her next step could be to out me via social media. If it happens, not sure yet if I'll deny or own it and throw some facts out there, hoping to save face and help someone else reduce their risk of getting it. She told these 5 people before it ever came up this week about her moving in. So now that I've told her no, who knows what she'll do.

Obviously, I'm not out anything in deciding to remove this person from my life. Not only is she disloyal, but worrying over her is a big stress that I definitely don't need as I navigate life with herpes!!

WCSDancer2010 · June 16, 2015

Wow ... sounds like this is a long time coming and she was a fool to do something that would push you away like that... but perhaps H came just in time because you really got to see the FULL embodiment of who she is ...so that you are not tempted to rescue her from herself. And you have the perfect "reason" for turning her down. She betrayed a trust. End of story.

Yes she may decide to paste her page with your stuff .... and you need to be ready for that...and at this point you can't control that so let that go and just be prepared with however you wish to address it if she does. Hopefully those who know her know who she *is* and will take anything she posts with a grain (or a handful!) of salt.

If you DO decide to "come out", these links may help you to figure out how YOU want to do it. The main thing I have noticed/found is that if you really OWN it ... you don't buy into the shame/stigma .... then *most* people will respect you when you disclose to them. So if you happen to get outed, you can start with "Well, this was something that I thought was a private matter but seeing as (blank) has chosen to tell the world about it, let me tell you the TRUTH ...." . I'd say 9 times out of 10, when you stand up for YOUR truth in a way that you own it, most people will respect you far more ... even if they don't agree or understand or can empathize with you ;)

(((HUGS)))