What I learned from disclosing and from not disclosing

[Salex]

I had protected sex with a person without disclosing my sexual status to her. In that moment before we had sex I had the opportunity to inform her about my status of living with herpes but out of fear I decided to remain silent. A cowardly decision on my part. We continued to have protected sex for a month. I was never asked about my sexual history and I never asked for hers which isn't a safe practice. After disclosing and apologizing for my insincerity I recommended her to get a full examination which she had already decided to do. I found out that she had never gotten test for anything other than HIV and AIDS in her past. I then shared with her that there are many STD's and STI's out there other than HIV and AIDS. She explained that she never had a reason to get tested due to trusting her partners. Feeling responsible and accepting responsibility for betraying her trust I said to her that it makes sense to get tested for everything when having sex with a new partner. In that moment I realized that if I had simply told her from the beginning, that I am living with herpes, then she would have had a moment of clarity. A moment of clarity with complete freedom for her to assess herself and understand something that she didn't before without being involved in someone elses attempt to manifest a reality founded off of fear, shame, cowardice, and immense lack of self worth. By telling her from the beginning I would have released myself from my manifested limitations in a state of clarity and purity and not in a state of pain and dishonesty. By simply being truthful and honest from the beginning I would have given a person, that still hurts when I want to call her my friend, an opportunity to grow on their own without negatively effecting her life what so ever. Every time I acknowledge what I have done it hurts. Not being upfront with myself and those around me is what allowed me to make such a selfish decision to compromise a persons health status.

 

So now, at this very moment and for every moment to come I am upfront. I face myself and my limitations daily and fearlessly. I also face the consequences of my actions. I force myself to be truthful about living with herpes. The more I say that I'm living with it the simpler it becomes to say it. I've been afraid to even say that I'm living with herpes out loud. It's becoming more accepted within me and I'm realizing more and more that I am not this dis-ease. Secrets are such a hindrance to openness. So far all secrets have allowed was stagnation and fear. Makes me interested in the difference between secrets and confidentiality.

 

Keep it real, responsible, considerate, respectful, and transparent from the beginning makes things a lot simpler. I'm novel to disclosing my status, this was my first time sharing with someone, so the experience in timing will come. I cannot control the decisions people make, but I do suggest to thoroughly consider both the weight of disclosure and the weight of abstinence of the truth before becoming physical with a partner. I was rooted pretty deep in fear but still had the choice. I was weak in that moment to simply say " I'm living with herpes." It's so simple it's insane to me that I lived in fear of saying it. That statement will grow into one of more confidence in time.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Salex

 

Beautifully put!!! Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable with us about your experience ... I KNOW a lot of people will be able to relate to what you so beautifully wrote here...

 

(((HUGS)))