Devastated by disclosing and rejection

[Shanshine]

In 2010 my boyfriend gave me herpes, I got pregnant not long after and we got married. My now husband admitted that he lied to me....additionally, he has always been abusive....emotionally, psychologically and physically. I have really only stayed because of the herpes (didn't know which type at the time). it has been almost 7 years of hell.

 

A good friend from work, a man who I have always admired, took me aside one day because I was crying at work...he told me he loved me and wanted me to leave my husband because he wanted to take me away from the abuse. He pursued me relentlessly for months....I finally disclosed to him that I would leave, but that i had herpes...he shamed me and told me I put him at risk (I only kissed him)....he told me I was uneducated about studs, but I told him that I had educated myself....he told me that was disgusted by me. He text me a few days later and said he loved me and wanted to be with me.

 

We both got tested for all stds and I veridied my results which was HVS2. He said he was ok with it. We planned a night to be intimate (protected and with valtrex), but then the night before he picked a fight with me and said really mean things to me like "he'd never expose his son to a person like me"....how is that even relevant?!? He said he was done with me. He hasn't spoken to me for over 3 weeks....the rejection hurts so much. We work together and it is so hard to see him...I am calling in sick to work a lot because I just can't deal with this emotionally....and I am so worried that he'll tell other people at work. I am just devastated that the ONE person that I thought would understand has rejected me like I am a lepor. Now I don't even have him as a friend anymore....I am so crushed....I really hate myself...I need advice please

[2Legit2Quit]

Well hun, you haven't ended things w your husband yet right? That's the first thing you need to worry about. If you're in one bad relationship, it is not healthy to jump into another. This guy that says he loves you, clearly is full of shit. His actions say otherwise, words have no value w out actions to back it. I see red flags w this guy and you continuing the cycle of being w abusive men. I highly suggest you cut off all ties w this man outside of your dealings w him at work, seek therapy immediately and maybe think of looking for another job if this is that hard for you. I made a mistake in my past of being in a serious relationship w so eone I worked w and after we broke up. I left my job like 8 months later, as he atartwd aoreqding lies about me, which i wassnt sharing his abuse towards me. I will never get involved w someone I work w again, for all that you're going through. Unfortunately we can't guarantee he won't run his mouth, but there's nothing you can really do about it, other than go to HR and complain of his spreading lies about you at work. I'm sorry you're going through this, but H and people knowing you have H is seriously the least of your worries right now. Go back and read your post. You're more upset about a stigma, than staying in a dangerous relationship for you and your child. I sincerely urge you to focus on fixing your issues and not relying on a man to save you from it. It is a recipe for a codependent relationship, just the way it is starting, especially on lies.

[Shanshine]

Thank you for the response. I have been in therapy for years to deal with this. We even went to couples therapy. My husband is a narcissistic high powered attorney in LA...i have a good career which I can't leave because it is not something I can replace and make the same amount of money. I have no where to turn...this is such a bad situation....my husband is a control freak who has crippled me financially and sexually because of this....I signed a prenup which "only hurts me" according to my lawyer, but I was 7.5 months pregnant and he gave me herpes, so what decision did I have...I was independent, but he had taken all that away...including my dog. It's just so hard to leave and the herpes makes it worse! Now the rejection from my dear friend....I just can't deal with this on my own....

[2Legit2Quit]

Why are you unable to find another job? I understand pay may not be ideal, but is it better staying where you are? May I ask why you stay w your husband any longer? I've watched people give their exes everything, just so they can get away from them. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but that person also is not your friend. He just wanted to get down your pants. Friends don't treat friends that way and certainly not someone who loves you. So you've been going to therapy and now this and you've been stuck for years.... What can you do to change your situation?

You are far from being sexually crippled. I think someone who is an amputee, would find someone.calling themselves a cripple for having H; which doesn't disable them physically in any such way to stop them from living their lives, offensive. You have to stop feeding your mind these words you use to describe H as so and remove all the "buts", " I can't ", " I'm stuck " from your vocabulary, because it's like feeding your brain garbage. Your words to yourself and situation, are what feeds and fuels your brain. It's just like putting garbage in our bodies w poor eating habits.

 

So the first step is. What can you change right now?

[herpaderp]

First off, so sorry to hear about your situation. But it's never as dire as it seems when you're stuck in the muck. There ARE ways out.

 

You have a good paying job, you need to be stashing away part of your earnings into an account that is in your name only, or even storing cash in a safe deposit box that only you can access. You need your own financial security to give yourself options.

 

Then you need to make a realistic plan. Do you have family that you can stay with temporarily, preferably outside of LA, until you find a new place / job? I would recommend getting out of that town completely and starting fresh. It sounds like you have so much baggage there that it will be near impossible to heal these mental / emotional wounds as long as you're even in the vicinity of your husband.

 

Herpes shouldn't even be something you are worried about at all right now. You're letting it "cripple" you because your life is a mess in every other way. Focus on getting your life back on track, getting away from abusive people / situations, and making yourself and your life (and your child's life) the absolute best it can be. Then you can start thinking about relationships. And at that point you'll realize that the H is not the end of the world.

 

And I'm sorry to hear about your "friend" at work. Sounds like a real jerk, but he probably did you a favor. Getting romantic with someone at work while you are still married to an abusive guy ... probably would have just made things 10x more complicated.

 

Take this advice for what it is: well meaning, but from a complete stranger on the internet. But I'm rooting for you!!

 

 

 

[Shanshine]

Thank you for the support, herpaderp. I truly appreciate it. I am working on my exit plan now. I have contacted a few lawyers about this and think that I have found one who will work for me. I also disclosed to him that my husband gave me H and that's why I have stayed for so long. The attorney didn't flinch and I felt comfortable with him because of his non reaction...like it wasn't a big deal...although he said he understood my feelings. This is all just so scary and I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but as my therapist said, "you are alone most of the time anyway, if you move out it would be the same, but without the abuse." That really opened my eyes...but I am still really scared. Another good thing about leaving would be that I could get another dog to replace the one my husband made me give up for adoption...

 

I am sure work will get less uncomfortable soon...plus, even if my friend told people at work, I doubt my other co-workers would believe him, so that gives me some comfort. I've been at my dream job for almost 9 years, so I just need to keep a low profile for a while...

[2Legit2Quit]

Wow.. What your therapist said is very spot on and enlightening. He/she is absolutely correct in what they said about being alone regardless. I live alone and have for many yrs. Although my ex and I didn't live together, we lived close to one another, so I was over there all the time. I was more aline w him, than w out him. It hurts a lot at first, but you get used to it. You can do it. Hang in there!