My first disclosure - I feel awful ... need some tips

[live]

Hello everybody,

I have herpes for 2 -3 years now. I do not know if it is type 1 or 2 because I have never done any testings on it - just have outbreaks down there so I guess its type 2. I got it from my wife (she wasn't my wife back then) - she did not tell me she had herpes and I am not sure if even she knew she had it (I think she did).

We have a beautiful daughter but things aren't going so well between us and we are now splitting up. For the time we had been together I only cheated on her few times with sex workers (always with protection - I have always been very strict about this) - just because I didn't want to go through the herpes talk with some normally - met girl. I did not disclose it to the hookers because I think they accept this risk when they start doing this job in the first place.

Now that we have separated me and my wife - I met a really nice girl who is all into me and stuff and I really want things to happen with her.. I am a responsible person - always facing whatever problem straight on without fear because I think the sooner you face the problem the sooner you are through it. That thinking led me to disclosing to her about my herpes - saying that I really like her and I want to be completely honest with her. I think she kinda felt a lil disappointed - she was like "I really really like you - can't stop thinking about you, which hasn't happened to me for a long time.. and now this.. people start worry you know" - she's got the point there. I don't know if this is a rejection or not and if it is - I do not really care because I can live through it. But I felt like so marked and dirty and like I am unworthy - it literally made my stomach a ball. The disappointment I felt she felt was like the hardest hit I have ever taken for long time and I really hate myself for having this virus. Even if she is ok with it and agree to have sex with me - how would I have sex with her knowing that I could possibly give her this.

I do not know - I still have 0 experience with disclosure - I do not know if every time will be like this but it is damn hard - at least for me.

 

Would appreciate some tips..

 

Regards,

Iliya Iliev

[anette14_99]

It sounds like you don't have the full picture yet of your HSV status, get tested to find out if it's type 1 or 2. Once you have all of the information, you can be at least somewhat more confident in your delivery of disclosing which will also make your potential partner more at ease once you know all of the facts.

 

As for her reaction, it sounds like she may need time to think about the risk of sleeping with you or pursuing a relationship. It's possible that this could be a deal breaker. Either way, it's best to give space during this time. If she comes back, you know it's meant to be. If not, then she would've run from something else if it wasn't the H. I've also had a recent rejection due to my HSV1+ status, and I can totally relate to that feeling in your stomach and feeling like you think they MUST think you're dirty or have this disgusting disease. It's tough when that happens and you really like the person. But it's typically more to do with the other person than it is with you.

 

As for the encounters with hookers, I believe if an std subject is brought up prior to the act, they should be well prepared to provide any paperwork or facts about their own status as well. You should also protect yourself and exchange that sort of information with them, they should be prepared to discuss. Educate yourself and take all the preventative measures.

[WCSDancer2010]

@live

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

So - first thing: get tested. You don't know if you have HSV1 or HSV2. If it's H1, you could have got it from oral sex. If your wife knew she had H, she may or may not have had correct info on how to protect you. Many are told by their Dr's that you are safe if you don't have sex during an OB and that in between you are fine, which is incorrect. So there are those who are blissfully ignorant thanks to Dr's who are out of date on their info.

 

Knowing which one you have can help with disclosure. For one thing, the better informed you are, the more confident you can be with your disclosure. If you are confident and they trust you have a hold on things, they are more likely to trust you to look after their welfare regarding doing what you can to not pass it on. If you are ashamed, fearful, or feel "dirty" and they pick that up from you, odds are they will buy into that, and of course they will walk away unless they have already had experience/knowledge of what H really entails. And you need to forgive yourself and work on loving yourself before you will be ready to be with someone else :)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6070/it-gets-better great tips for newbies

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

 

 

I personally would get tested for EVERYTHING including herpes... even though you used a condom, there are other things that you could have got from the sex workers. Before you go forward with ANYONE that is something that needs to be a priority, for your sake as well as theirs.

 

None of us *want* to pass this on to those we love. But all of life includes risk ... and we all just have to do what we can to to reduce the risks that we are aware of.

 

Think of it this way...

 

**I assume you drive a car

**and I assume if that is correct, you may occasionally drive your friends/family somewhere

**And you ALL know there is ALWAYS a risk of a car accident no matter how careful you are

**But you drive them anyway, right? Do you obsess day and night that you might injure/kill them every time they get in your car? I doubt it.

**Why is the possibility of passing on H any different? At least it won't kill them!!!

 

Think on it :)

 

Also, Herpes makes a GREAT Wingman... check out the links below and perhaps you will understand where I'm coming from :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

[live]

Hey,

Thank you very much for your answers - I surely will get tested for the type of herpes I have.

Since I am a very very big hypochondriac I get tested for HIV, Syphilis, Hepatitis A,B,C, Chlamydia and basically pretty much all over the board every 2 months - thank god, I have always been clean and I hope I will be in the future, but it has never occurred to me to identify which type of herpes I have. Will do it definitely.

The comparison with the car driving is great - will try and change my perspective about this herpes.

The girl I was talking about actually called me later that day and she was like - "Ok, we will discuss this further in person" (I told via text message) and she kinda like accepted it - which is a big relief for me.

Thank you sooo much.. once again.

 

Regards,

Ilko