After disclosure, he's been distant ... Advice?

[suzyq15]

I recently disclosed to a man I really like. I feel like I told him with confidence and let him know that it wasn't a major deal and didn't affect my life. He told me he likes me a lot but that he didn't know much about it. I tried explaining to him what I know about it. He has been distant most of this week and I asked him about it and he said he was still processing the information but that he does really like me. I told him I wasn't sure what to tell him other than giving him some links to some websites to help give him a better understanding of it all. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what more I can say or do? He has no idea about it other than its an std that causes sores. And he said he didn't want it. If nothing more just to educate him....and possibly get a marriage proposal from him one day! Ha! Thanks for any replies!

[optimist]

@suzyq15 - I'm new to all this, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I would advise you to say nothing more about it, unless he specifically asks about it. You've done your part. He is processing. Continually mentioning it may be counterproductive at this point.

 

The first guy I disclosed to, we were in a relationship at the time, and he specifically told me his stress level increased the more often I mentioned it. It was challenging/impossible for me to keep quiet about it because I was also processing the information so my views were changing. Also, he had so many misconceptions and I mistakenly believed sharing facts would make a difference. The only difference it made was stressing him out more. Around the same time, I had a female friend on the other side of the same dynamic. A guy disclosed to her and after a couple days, she got too stressed hearing about it and shut down.

 

A little later, I disclosed to another guy and he disappeared for a while. I made no attempt to communicate with him further as I wasn't particularly invested in the outcome and didn't really appreciate how he suddenly disappeared. He later contacted me to tell me he was fine with it.

 

Ideally, someone can give you timely feedback in a compassionate way. But when they are confused or anxious and you have already provided them with resources and details of your own experience, I think it's better to let them go process without interruption. Just my two cents.

[suzyq15]

Very helpful and sound advice. Thank you. Much appreciated!

[julia_l]

I agree with optimist about not talking about it too much but one thing I make sure to weave in is that they will be protected and transmission rates are 1-4 percent. Men process those lie transmission rates well.

[julia_l]

Sorry typo with the word lie, it's low

 

[julia_l]

What links did you give him? I'd like to know where to send someone to give them information.

[suzyq15]

I didn't end up giving him any....he hasn't talked to me without me talking first and I don't want to blow him up so I'm just letting him do his thing and maybe he will come around. I can find some links for you, though. Someone gave me some several years ago. I'll have to find them.

[julia_l]

I hope everything is going ok for you.

[suzyq15]

Thanks....I'm not quite sure how it's going. Trying to be patient but keeping the door open for someone new too The distance has grown greater. Oh well. More fish in the sea!

[SunDevourer]

I say... Tell him to get over it and get over himself.