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Revealing STD test results

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I hope everyone is doing well today :) It's been a while since my last post about living with herpes and my own past with it. After going through becoming sexually intimate with someone after ten years of forced abstinence due to a seriously damaging self-hatred mentality, I began to do some deep reflecting along with dealing with the consequences of my actions which is primarily deep regret and guilt.


One of the realizations I made through my experience was the importance of being tested. So I made a decision to get tested again for the first time in ten years last October. It was an interesting moment because I was dating a woman with HSV 2 at the time and expressed that the symptoms that I had were these little white dotted protrusions on the crown of my penis which developed shortly before I was tested 10 years ago. These little white protrusions are what made me concered that I had herpes and was the reason why I got tested. So when my test results came up as postive for HSV I associated the little dots with Herpes and since it was on my genitals I assumed it was HSV 2. Honestly I associated the pictures of herpes from sex education to what I had on my penis. So every time I saw the dots on my penis, which usually remained there throughout the year I reinforced the thought cycle of "I have a contagious disease," "I can never have sex again" and so forth.


So in my eyes, these little protrusions were a physical manifestation of HSV2. The woman I was dating informed me that her symptoms were much different from what I was experiencing which made us wonder if I actually had HSV2.


At the testing clinic in the testing room I informed the nurse about my history of being diagnosed at 17, the mental state and the self-imposed abstinence along with my status of being positive for HSV 2 and that I want to get tested for anything else I might have. After listening the nurse then examined my penis and said that she doesn't see any sores. I then responded "Look at the little white dots. They're right there." The nurse then responded "Oh those? Those just are pearly penile papules." With confusion I said "They're what?" She repeated "Pearly Penile papules. They're a natural skin condition that most males have. It's not a disease, it's not contagious, and it's a naturall skin condition. Actually I think they're kind of cute."


You know those moments when you just have to accept facts and can only laugh at yourself with acceptance of how blind you were from the truth?? Yup that was one of those moments for me. The nurse said "I'm so sorry that you had gone through all of that, but if this is what you though was HSV 2 I can almost be certain that this is not HSV 2. We'll check your blood anyway."


Honestly I was thoughtless and speechless for a moment. Jaw dropped accepting the fact that what was on my penis was not HSV 2 or a disease. This whole time I looked at myself as this person with an infectious penis. Although I've learned to love myself and my penis regardless of what "disease" I have, simply realizing that I was basically "wrong" about what was on my penis totally shifted my point of view. Shit it shifted a lot within me. I then began to wonder, "wait a minute, why the hell didn't I learn about these "Pearly penile papules" years ago in school? The fact that there are skin conditions that can actually be confused for stds and that actually are not stds is not something to be ignored." I began to blame the school system for not educating me thoroughly on the body (abandoning self-responsibility really). It really opened my eyes about the variety of expressions the human body has.



So the tests came back negative for HSV 2. The same feeling of thoughtlessness and speechlessness. I told myself before I got negative results that I will still be as compassionate as if I did have it to people who do have it. I am still as compasssionate if not more to others who have HSV 2. I wasn't tested for HSV 1 though. The nurse said that since so many people have HSV 1 that it isn't worth testing for it. I didn't protest because HSV 1 wasn't my concern until.


It was interesting simply walking around knowing that the dots on my penis aren't a contagious disease and that I don't have HSV 2. Ahhhhh yes, I was keeping in contact with the woman I had sex with without sharing my status and told her everything. She also tested negative :D Shit I was thinking she probably might not even believe what I said. Can only control how I respond to anything so I'm simply glad that there wasn't any risk of transmitting something that I didn't actually have.


So much went on in my mind from "What the hell was I diagnosed with ten years ago?" to "It doesn't even make sense to dwell on anything, what's done is done now move on."


I was still concerned about HSV 1 so I got tested for that a few months later and it came up positive. The numbers were high which indicated that I've had it for a long time. Don't know where I got it from since the person I was lost my virginity to didn't have it when I was tested ten years ago. Shoot the doc's could have probably said that I have HSV 1 and I just associated the penile papules with genital herpes and accepted it as the "Genital version" of herpes. Of course now I know that HSV 1 can be both oral and genital.



Honestly it's great to know my sexual health status. Ignorance is a pain in the ass!!!! I've yet to get intimate enough with a person to have the talk. Even though having HSV 1 is common I'm prepared to tell it to every single woman I get close to before we become sexual.


Actually I have been telling people about my story. Not many, just my family and a few friends. I figured that if I want to be comfortable living with myself then simply be open about myself. Shit I can't control my past but I can control who I am in this very moment so hiding my past doesn't seem to be practical. Nor does living in regret and guilt. Simply learn from the mistakes (which are many haha) and move forward.



Thanks for listening,



Have a beautiful day :D




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