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After how long do I disclose?

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Hey, so I have been talking to a guy over text for almost a year now and we just met for the first time last week. I was so incredibly nervous that we wouldn't hit it off, but we did. It was great. Fun and easygoing and with that great kiss in the end. I went over to his place yesterday and it was just as fun, for me at least, and then an even better goodbye kiss.

The thing is, he's been clear about his interest about eventually become more serious and I feel the same way. BUT... I was diagnosed with HSV2 about 3-4 months ago, after I was sexually assaulted. I haven't told him any of this yet and I'm trying to figure out when to disclose. I know he's very careful about STD's and that makes me terrified that me telling him will blow my chances with a guy I care about a LOT. It's scary.


He will be the first one I disclose to since the diagnosis and I'm also asking myself if I should tell him how I contracted it. It's been about 10 months since it happened and I have moved past the incident. The diagnosis just brought everything back and I'm now stuck with a reminder of what happened after being so careful about sex before. I had been with only one guy before the assault, I'm 20, and I knew how to be safe. But in the assault case, I didn't have a choice in the matter and I feel like that's important. Like that somehow shows that I'm still me. And the silly thing is, I know HSV in any shape or form isn't a sign of bad people. It doesn't mean I'm not worth the effort. I know I am. But I still can't shake the feeling that telling him how I got it might make him understand me more.

But at the same time, I've heard that some guys can't handle the news of a girl they like going through something like that. But do I really want to be with someone that can't support me even because of that, in case I ever feel down? Probably not.


SO THE QUESTION, all in all, my question is, how and when to disclose? We've talked every day for almost a year and it's been a week since we first met. And what do I tell him? Any advice will be appreciated greatly, because this is a guy I don't want to lose.

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I can't really say when you should disclose. But I can suggest you wait until you feel you are ready. Since you've been talking for awhile, you already have an idea of what type of person he is. I would see if the chemistry continues and then go from there. (Don't wait too long, but some people find that things die down before it even gets to the disclosure point). Best of luck.


There really is no way to prevent yourself from getting herpes if you have sex with someone that is contagious and you don't know they have the virus. I don't quite understand that statement about knowing how to be safe? Condoms? Because that isn't necessarily true. As for the assault, are you using it as an "it's not my fault" kinda type disclosure? I'm only asking because that tends to generate sympathy, but doesn't really change the fact that you're positive. And that is what you/they have to accept. The reason behind the positive status really is moot point. If you read the posts, a lot of people practiced safe sex, and still got the virus. Some people got it their first time, some people were assaulted, and some people partied. The how really doesn't matter in the long run. Anyone that has sex is at risk. If you want to tell him that you were sexually assaulted I completely understand wanting to disclose that. But if you are telling him only to make the disclosure easier, I don't think that's a good thing. Just my thoughts.

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Thanks. When I said I was safe, I meant that before the diagnosis I went to get tested with the first guy I was with. I knew that none of us had something that could be passed on. Then the assault happened and I'm trying to figure that out.


I don't really know why I would disclose the assault thing. Maybe it is because I don't want to feel guilty. Maybe it's because I want him to know. I haven't figured out that part yet. All I know is that I really care about this guy and I feel so happy every time I think about it. Then I remember that I have to disclose and I break apart. It's unfair that people have to go through this. I had one OB and so far that's been it. But even so, it's not the OBs that are the bad part. For me it's the feeling of being afraid and not good enough. I'm working so hard on my self esteem. Working out and eating right both to stay healthy and to feel better about myself. And most of the time I'm fine. I feel like myself and to ME, my diagnosis isn't a big deal. I can handle it. It won't kill me and it's just a skin disease. What makes me hate myself on the bad days is how other people see it. And that's the worst part. No matter how well I'm accustomed to being positive, there will ALWAYS be stigma around it.

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I know. Every single person on this forum can relate. The only way to bring acceptance is to kill that stigma, and we can't do that if we feed into it. Every time we fear a disclosure we are giving that stigma power. We know it's not a big deal, but we are letting other peoples opinions make it one. I'm not one to shout my status from the rooftops, but I do try chipping away at it every time the subject comes up. I throw facts out there. If I can educate one person, get them looking into the facts, it might help.


I know it seems to be a very passive way to get around failed disclosures by saying that if they truly are invested in a relationship with you they will accept it (meaning you as a person and not sex with you), but it does have some truth to it. I personally feel that what a person will not tolerate (and this may be herpes) depends on the person. And since we can't change our status, it's best to know their reaction before we get too fully invested. I can say that I want a partner that will accept me for who I am. And I'm a person that has HSV. If they can't accept that, then it wasn't meant to be.

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Exactly. Personally, I came to terms with it. For ME it's not a big deal. It doesn't change my life other than that from now on, I'll have to tell potential partners. And that will be fine.

This is the first time I'll disclose and it'll be scary. Ignoring it seems very easy and inviting, but I can't. I wasn't given a choice or even a way to get out of it, and I can't make someone else feel that way. Especially not someone I care about.


I think I'm gonna try to take it slow. We have been on one date, then watched a football game at his place a few days later. I want him to know me before so that he's aware of all the good parts and how this "thing" isn't worth the worry. So I'm gonna tell him I want to feel comfortable with him before we go there and when I feel confident, I'll tell him. Just like I've practiced during late night chats with myself :P

And then it'll be up to him to decide if he is interested in me enough to take the small risk. And I'll just have to remember that I am worth it.




IF anyone else has any tips, please share. Maybe how to begin the conversation. I thought about bringing it up as a "safe sex" talk. Like a discussion about previous experiences with STDs...

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In my opinion nobody can tell when to disclose better than yourself, but the best advice I can give you is that you have to definately tell him before any sexual contact you make with him, because look at this way, if you dont tell him and he contracted it, this might piss him off even if he likes you so much and won't to continue with you, so you disclosing now will break it now, not disclosing will break it later anyway. I'm saying this because it happened to me. I found it so selfish of my ex to sleep with me without telling me. I'm going through my first outbreak right now and its not a good feeling .. always be honest and relationships don't build on anything othet than honesty. Good luck

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Jason88s: I will definitely disclose before we go to that place in our relationship. I did not have a choice just like you and it sucks. I could never do that to someone else, no matter how tempting it is to just forget and ignore my positive diagnosis.

I'm just trying to figure out HOW to tell him. How to bring it up. I've figured out I want to do it at hos place when I am driving so that I can get out of there ASAP if it doesn't go well. I will also bring it up in a casual way, like " Hey so since I feel like it's gonna get more intimate between us soon, I'd love it if we talked about safe sex and so on."


I will not bring any information with me except the one I have memorized, like statistics and how it has affected my life. I want it to be a discussion more than me preaching.

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