Is it wrong to disclose to someone you don't really like?

[Geminij]

I'm thinking of disclosing for the first time. I've had the virus for over 2 years and never found the courage to. I'm thinking about disclosing to a guy I've met online we've had one date. He's really into me I can tell. I'm not so attracted to him but I'm thinking of disclosing to him as a practise... cos I guess if I decide I'm not that into him I won't be so disappointed if he backs out after the disclosure.

 

Is this wrong?

[cowgirl1]

Since you are asking for an opinion, I would like to think that you are an open-minded person that may possibly benefit from "constructive criticism." I don't, by all means, want to sound like a jerk, here. You are taking the right step asking for opinions. If you were in past relationships that you were physically involved in and did not disclose your HSV, in my opinion, I feel that is wrong. That is typically how this terrible STD spreads, right? I am sure you didn't ask for it. I don't think any of us wants it!! If you are not into him, move on. I think that the person that you will be into and mutually cares about you back, will be worth your time and would weigh the risks with consideration. I do understand your worries. Personally, I would respect you more for disclosing, but some people can be nasty. So, I understand your haste.

 

You just want to live, but think about all the people that one person you don't disclose and how many more they could spread it to. I have kids and was given this lovely disgusting STD-somehow. I can't kiss my kids on the face anymore. It--breaks--my heart. So, be tough. If it helps, date outside your area.

 

XOXO

[optimist]

@cowgirl1 Are you not kissing your children because you have oral herpes? If you have genital herpes, please know there is no risk of transmission from kissing. Even with oral herpes, in the absence of an active cold sore, the risk of transmitting oral herpes to a child would be extremely low, though active cold sores do present significantly more risk. However, about half of children will contract it orally by the time they reach adulthood, many by the time they are just 3 years old. If you are instead referring to genital herpes and still concerned about kissing your children, let me know and I'll PM you some good info from a clinician who is an expert in the field and has addressed these specific concerns.

 

Also, I did not get the impression that @Geminij has not been disclosing. But either way, please know that most people with genital herpes (80-90% of them) are unaware of their condition and unable to disclose due to that lack of awareness. This is a major cause of the spread of herpes. It is a myth that herpes is typically spread by people who are being dishonest about their status. It happens that way sometimes, yes, but not "typically." In addition to the majority of people with genital herpes being unaware they are infected, many people without genital herpes willingly take this risk with partners who have disclosed their status and some are ultimately infected, though the risk of transmission is lower when both parties are aware of the status of the HSV+ partner.

[optimist]

@Geminij Personally, I would not recommend doing this. I think if you don't really like the person, that will influence how you disclose, and that may influence his reaction, and I would hate for you to read into that as a predictor of future disclosures. Also, I think if he's super into you, disclosing to him will be interpreted as a sign that you two are getting closer, but I can't totally tell from your post how open you are about that, so I won't state an opinion about that. I will say that it's certainly okay to disclose to someone and later decide you aren't interested in pursuing them, but I can't really tell from your post if you've already decided that you're not interested or if you're more open.

[Dave]

First off, this is NOT a "terrible STD". It really is just a skin condition with an unwarranted stigma thanks to the media and drug companies, when the majority of people with it have little or no symptoms. There are many other skin conditions that are much more painful emotionally and physically, not to mention other viruses that are deadly, like the Flu.

 

But yes, I think it's wrong to use someone you're not into, just so you can test your disclosure speech, especially since he's into you.

[Sil88]

I don't think you should do it tbh. If the guy likes you, he will weigh up the risk/reward, suffer some stress and, if all goes well.. commit to you in a way, but then you'd scrap it.. It's a rollercoaster and who knows how he'd feel afterwards. Maybe if you stay friends with someone after dating, there would be less at stake.. but then that's a bit of a hollow disclosure if there was never any intent.

[rutro0803]

@optimist, would you message or post links to the info to u have on transmission from kissing. Thanks!

[whymegirl]

I don't see anything wrong with that. And who knows.. maybe when he responds positively to it you will come around to him more. I always gain respect and admire people who are totally ok with it. To me.. physical attraction is huge. And is all part of the process of developing feelings for something. So I don't see it as you being selfish.. I see it as you discovering if there is anything there.

 

On a sort of unrelated note..

Ive told people that I wasn't interested in anything more than just that evening. ;)

but they were also on the same page in that respect lol