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Feeling Lost and hopeless

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So I've started casually dating someone new. Someone I'm already very close friends with. I've had a crush on him for a while and he shocked me by kissing me the other day. I'm about to graduate college and move away and he's still a sophomore AND a virgin. I'm not sure how far he wants to go, but the last few times we've made out it's gotten VERY heated. Other than letting exes know I haven't had to disclose to a partner yet. I was just diagnosed three months ago and I'm still grappling with the shame. I'll be fine for a while then any time I suspect I'm having an outbreak it's just a big fat reminder that I'm 20 and have this for the rest of my life. My first outbreak was the most horrendous pain I've ever felt, and now my organs are very mild, but it's still like a slap in the face

I feel obligated to tell him. Obviously I would NEVER engage in sexual activity without disclosing and I could probably convince him I'm only comfortable keeping things about the waist, but it just feels wrong.

But I'm terrified. We're enjoying the time we have left together but I don't know if I'll be able to bear the look on his face is I tell him. I already feel like a leper. Only my close friends know and are very supportive, but it still feels like I'm hiding myself. I fear he'll never want to even kiss me again. I'll offer him an out but I'm not sure if I'm more afraid of him taking the out or him pretending he's not grossed out by me. I've been with a small number of people and I was in real relationships with each of them. I personally know I'm not "dirty" or any such ugly words, but I can't help but think that's how he and others will react. The fact is I still don't know who gave H to me and I feel as though saying I don't know who gave it to me will make me appear "slutty".

I'm never, EVER one to slut shame or make those false accusations but I'm just so scared others will see it that way.

I know I'll have to deal with rejection many times in my life but it's still so fresh to me.


Do you guys have any advice on approaching the subject or dealing with rejection/or coping with not having the strength to admit it?

I just feel like I'll never date again. Not even just because of the rejection, but the sense that I'm too great a coward to even try.

I just feel defeated and could really use some kindness and understanding from you guys, because no one else can comprehend the pain of dealing with this unless they've gone through it themselves, no matter how hard they may try to empathize. I just feel like my depression is kicking in again and I don't want to sink into that hole again.

Please help.


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