Accidentally exposed new partner

[Wildflowerbumblebee]

I have been recently diagnosed with HSV2, I can assume who had given this to me and it took 2.5 years for my first outbreak.

 

3 or 4 weeks ago I was seeing my new love interest and we had sex, protected and unprotected. I was not feeling well, I think it was an outbreak, I had no lesions but swollen lymph nodes and fever.

After I left his house, the day after, I had a feeling to get a herpes test, because rumors started coming back to me about how my ex was HSV2 positive and the swollen lymph nodes were scaring me. A week and a half goes by, and after the fact we had slept together, I discover I have herpes2. I strongly believe I passed it on to him, and it is killing me. I have known of my diagnosis for a week now. I had no idea of this diagnosis while sleeping with him and I havent slept with him since. I am not ashamed of having herpes, and I am comfortable disclosing it prior to intercourse for the rest of my life, but I am extremely broken over having to look this wonderful man in the eyes and tell him I likely gave him a disease. We arent in love, we arent a couple, and I know he is going to feel terrible. I feel like I just ruined this mans life. I'm planning on telling him in person, in 5 days. I have only had 3 sex partners in my life, and I feel like I don't deserve to have to go through this, I feel like I did not earn herpes. And I feel like a monster, because another innocent person may be infected. I really don't want to tell him. I regret getting the test, because ignorance would have been bliss. I keep searching the internet hoping I will find an article about how it would be okay to just neglect telling him , but I want to tell him and I know I must. I get mad because there are many people who are HSV2 + in my town and never say anything about it. I tell myself "nobody else mentions it so why do I have to be the hero" I want to spare him from the pain I went through from finding out, I don't even care if he calls me filthy and dumps me, I care that I could have potentially ruined a beautiful life. I say that because I had everything going for me, good job, for, beautiful, kind, responsible, and this diagnosis had put me out of work for a mental health leave, out of school, and I cant even find the will to bathe or eat.

Ignoramce would have been bliss. And I am afraid to tell him because I regret getting tested, if I could go back in time I would rather be the innocent 80% that doesn't know. And I know he would be happy on the ignorance is bliss train too. Please help me, I know I have to tell him, but he will be so distraught that it could cost him his job and his will to live too.

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

First of all, DEEP BREATH! You don't know that you've passed it on. You also didn't know that you had it. Yes, he'll likely be scared at first, but I wouldn't mention that you weren't feeling well when you had sex. No reason.

Your story is true - I heard some crazy rumors last week that my ex has something - herpes - so I went in for the doctor to get tested. He checked my blood, and I have the antibodies. This means I've been carrying it for quite some time, so I know who gave this to me.

I am asymptomatic - this means I don't have any traditional signs of herpes, like nearly 80% of people. I never would have put you at risk had I known, and of course I didn't know when we had sex. And, though I get STI tested, they don't include it - even when you ask for everything.

 

For him, his stress window is about 2-14 days. Average person shows symptoms at 4-5. So I would say Day 4 is a good time to tell him, he'll either be nearly in the clear, easing his mind, or he'll say "shit I did think it was an ingrown hair.

And don't take any abuse from him. This is so very much not your fault. At all. If he gets mean, walk. If he gets angry, that's understandable. Give him time to cool.

 

What do you mean he'll be so distraught? Is he a highly anxious person?

[Wildflowerbumblebee]

Thank you so much for that thoughtful and helpful comment, and yes, he is very anaxious and has a very busy life :(